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Having been married for 17 years, our heroine got divorced and talked about her new dating experience. Her observations of how the world of romantic relationships has changed during this time, the expert comments.
«The spirit of adventure fades in men»
Olga, 38 years
“After the divorce, I went through the inevitable stage of internal rehabilitation, when it was important for me to be alone, and I decided that I wanted to get acquainted again, go on dates, feel desired. I was faced with the fact that in the almost seventeen years that I was married, a lot has changed.
I got married as a student. Young people then actively courted and the fact that the man who liked you showed interest and persistently sought you was in the order of things.
It cannot be denied that many ethical norms have changed in society over the years. Relationships are more equal. Women rightfully demand respect and respect for their rights. We have finally begun to talk about the inadmissibility of crossing boundaries in intimate relationships without mutual consent, using the vulnerability and insecurity of the other side as a greater strength and power.
All this is so. And at the same time, life still cannot be black and white. There are many semitones in the relationship between a man and a woman. And I would not want the so-called new ethics to erase the element of the game between us.
After a tough breakup, I’m not ready for a committed relationship. I would like now ease, courtship. And, frankly, sex. I meet men, I like them, but even non-binding flirting seems to them an overwhelming responsibility that they are not ready to take on.
They are worried about how a woman will react to this. Several people frankly admitted to me that they are afraid to be assertive.
But I, like many women, like it when a man seeks me.
Men care about their emotional security and comfort. Worrying if their relationship will hurt. The excitement and spirit of adventure fade away in them.
We met one person online, liked each other in correspondence and met. We had a great evening, but he didn’t call me again. This disappearance upset me, I will not hide it, but I crossed it out as a possible candidate. A few weeks later, he began to write to me again, we continued to communicate — I decided to give him another chance.
We met again. This time I was polite and reserved. When I was about to leave, he stopped me and suddenly confessed: “You know, I wanted to call you all this time. Thought about you. And I just couldn’t. I’m going through a very difficult period in my life right now, and I’m afraid that I can’t afford a serious relationship.»
His words startled me. I was not in the mood for such a relationship, but just wanted to mutually have a good time. It seems to me more and more that we seem to have switched roles. After all, it is a woman’s responsibility to take care of your safety before you answer someone with consent. It is important for us to be sure that we can trust a person and he will not hurt our feelings.
Now, men themselves are unnecessarily worried about this — whether the relationship will hurt them. I want a man to be decisive enough and openly show signs of attention. Yes, I like this courtly game. And I would not want us to give up this in the fight for equal rights.”
«We don’t have common courtship rules anymore and it can be disorienting»
Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist
“It is difficult to comment on the point of view of the heroine, rather, you can think with her about what is happening and how the world is changing now. Because we are in the process of these changes, and where this will lead is an open question.
The role of a shy marriageable girl is a thing of the past. Young people at the age of 18 think much less about family and children than they did 20-30 years ago. Many of them think about whether they need a relationship at all — it’s uncomfortable and painful.
The heroine notices the difference between what happened around her 17 years ago and what she sees now. But the memory is so arranged that we choose only the most pleasant and warming moments of the past, and the present and future always seem more hostile.
If it were true that a time machine existed and we returned to the past, we would find there both those who care and achieve, and those who do not. Perhaps the trend of society was more towards the pronounced masculinity of men than it is now.
The modern world is in many ways more loyal to the various manifestations of men and women.
More and more people are turning to a psychologist or watching blogs about relationships and psychology. And they are surprised to discover that they do not want to do much of what society “needs” or requires. Moving away from role-playing interactions, and this is a process that has two sides.
Flirting as part of the game, where the man is a hunter and the woman is a quivering doe, is possible, but by mutual agreement of both. Or if initially such a role-playing game suits everyone. Now in society, rather, there are no general rules for courtship, and this can be disorienting.
If we consider the personal history of the heroine, then we can say that even if the world had not changed so much, it would still be very difficult, disturbing, incomprehensible to enter a new field of relations after 17 years of marriage. Therefore, out of anxiety, the world often seems more dangerous and worse than it is.