From childhood, we are taught that love and gratitude are unconditional feelings that should be experienced by parents. In reality, they may be opposite. How to live with anger and hatred for the closest people, psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova reflects.
Growing up and looking back, we understand that our parents were unfair to us. What do we perceive as especially painful?
Physical or psychological abuse. The child lives in constant tension, the parent turns into his enemy, from whom he must defend himself and wait for a blow. All problems in such a family are solved by the elders by the right of the stronger — physical punishment or constant screaming.
We master the model of relationships with the world in communication with parents. They teach to understand and express their feelings. If in the family all our attempts to express ourselves and our desires were suppressed, then we leave in adulthood with the inability to openly talk about what worries us, and a lump of resentment towards our parents.
Absence nearby. Often, after a divorce, the father may stop communicating with the child, and the mother goes headlong into a career or building a personal life. Children are left in the care of their grandmother, and as they grow up, they perceive this situation as a betrayal.
Formal communication. The parent lives with the child, but satisfies only his primary needs. He prefers to pretend that since the children are full and healthy, everything is fine in their lives. If a child tries to talk about a conflict situation at school or with friends, then the mother or father, not wanting to experience psychological discomfort, devalues his feelings and experiences: “The senior teacher is right,” “Deal with the offender yourself,” “You exaggerate.”
You can not call your parents, punish with silence, however, such an expression of anger does not give relief
Growing up, we experience anger towards such parents. Someone arranges violent showdowns, which in most cases lead to nothing — parents are not ready to admit they were wrong. They, as a rule, have already reached an old age, which is characterized by rigidity and unwillingness to change.
Moreover, transference projection begins when the mother or father blames the children for everything. They feel guilty, but in order to get rid of it, relatives and acquaintances are told about what unbearable children they have, in whom they have invested all their strength. So the parent saves himself from living unpleasant feelings, shifts the blame to adult children, thereby aggravating their pain and resentment.
You can not talk to your parents about your feelings, do not call them, punish them with silence. However, even such an expression of anger does not give relief, because we continue to accumulate it in ourselves, waiting for repentance.
Recognize your feelings
There is a high probability that the conversation fails to find a common language and fruitless attempts to achieve this will be painful. It is important to say everything that you feel. Not in order to gain understanding, but in order to comprehend painful experiences and gradually part with them.
You can do this in conversation with a counselor, a close friend, an understanding relative, or even alone. It is necessary to throw out the accumulated aggression verbally, and then describe your experiences on paper. After that, we may feel guilty, especially if we said bitter words to the parent directly.
The mechanism of rationalization turns on when we try to justify everything: “Mom herself was not easy, so she was rude to me.” Remind yourself that you and your parents are different people, and it’s important to allow yourself and them different feelings. Including resentment and bitterness, if these are the consequences of their upbringing. You cannot force yourself to feel love and gratitude for anyone, and your parents are no exception.
How to interact further
Accept that the parent will most likely not change and you will not get sincere words from him. At the same time, the relations of enemies take a lot of strength and energy. Take them to a formally friendly level. Call, meet, let it be neutral conversations that do not concern your life.
Awareness of childhood resentment is important. Without doing the difficult but necessary inner work, we run the risk of transferring negative feelings to a partner with whom we play out the scenario of childhood.