We increasingly fantasize about the ideal life together. Meanwhile, the union of the two becomes increasingly fragile. What to hope for in love, and what to give up? Let’s try to understand our fears and desires.
- In culture glorifying individual achievement, the couple has a hard time.
- We are convinced that love cannot last long, and we do not risk starting a relationship.
- Than expect too much from a partner, it is better to associate ambitions and expectations not with him, but with our couple.
Agree, there are few happy couples around you. Almost everyone dreams of experiencing true love, but it seems that not everyone succeeds. 37-year-old Marina is sure that a happy relationship is about others, not about her. “When I meet men, the beginning of the novel is always very bright, but then the joint life suffocates me. I don’t understand how those who can do it live.” Kristina is 46 years old, she has been married for 12 years: “I value my family, but our love relationship has fizzled out. I want to feel my heart beating again, feel attracted. How to return passion in a relationship with a husband? I suddenly began to even dream about a secret connection.
Pass the tests
- What role do you play in a couple?
- Family quarrels – are you ready to forget everything?
43-year-old Eugene recalls the days of his parents’ youth: “The family as a model of social relations was not discussed at that time. Now we no longer believe in public institutions. How then can you believe in a family? Psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova believes that one of the main obstacles to building relationships in a couple is the narcissism of a modern person. In a culture focused on personal development, everyone increasingly feels like an autonomous person. And he gets hung up on himself, on his achievements, appearance, mood. The status of a loner is no longer scary. On the contrary, it seems that single people have more freedom, more opportunities. Not bound by family obligations, they can truly realize themselves. “Of course, they think about how to find a soul mate, but at the same time they strive to enjoy their loneliness,” psychoanalyst Fabienne Kraemer says with regret. “And they don’t take into account that relationships in a couple can directly affect their sense of inner harmony, making them happier people.”
Nowadays, dating is not a problem. Websites and social networks seem to help overcome any isolation. “But when the first dinner and the first night are over, it’s hard to take the next step,” Evgeny says. – Everyone is afraid to get carried away too quickly, to make the wrong choice. We get stuck in a “test period” and that devalues everything.” “The very thought of making a commitment scares me,” Marina admits. “Like I have to disown myself for that.” I am not sure that women of my generation can adapt to the lifestyle that was the only possible one for our mothers and grandmothers.”
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- Always put a couple first
Yet relationships emerge despite the fact that couples find it difficult to enter the territory guarded by fear. Fear of making an inaccurate choice, abandoning your habits and rules, becoming dependent on a loved one. “There is a temptation not to invest in another,” says Svetlana Fedorova, “because new relationships can make us defenseless. After all, we never know whether we will be accepted with our love, with our spiritual efforts, or whether they will be devalued. “And at the same time we are afraid that love will not last long,” adds Fabien Kremer. “In an effort to protect themselves from suffering, more and more men and women are not taking the risks that are necessary to experience a beautiful love story.” Why have relationships become so difficult? Maybe we expect too much from them? Fabienne Kremer disagrees: “We expect too much from a partner and not enough from ourselves. We are looking for the right person for us, but we do not seek to become suitable for ourselves.
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- “She doesn’t appreciate me!” and 5 more complaints from married men
A source of happiness that has no equal
More often than not, we don’t spend enough time and energy on relationships. Priorities have changed: first career, then love. Often women, as soon as they turn thirty, in a hurry choose a partner and immediately have a baby. Orientation to the short term is a heavy burden on the relationship in such a pair. “It’s hard for them to imagine being together in ten, twenty years,” says Fabien Kremer. “This lack of shared vision deprives them of the resources that would enable them to survive everyday hardships.” In addition, the mass media imposes ideas about invariably “exciting”, “romantic” relationships, prompting them to mistake the inevitable routine for the collapse of a life together. “Most couples today pay a lot of attention to their parenting responsibilities,” continues Fabien Kremer, “which means they do not leave enough time for themselves. As a result, the peak of parting falls on the time after the birth of the second child … “
But no matter what threatens the couple today, “we still need another person,” says Svetlana Fedorova, “because it is his gaze that gives us the opportunity to know and reveal ourselves. We need his faith in us, depending on him, the ability to give, sharing our feelings.”
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Love lies in differences. “We need to see in a partner another, different from us, possessing what we do not possess,” emphasizes Svetlana Fedorova. “We are afraid of the other because it threatens our identity – but only in dialogue or repulsion from the other do we grow as a person.”
“The state of being in love is probably the most exciting, but it does not last long, and this causes us suffering,” recalls Fabien Kremer. – By changing partners, we doom ourselves to enjoying only an appetizer, not reaching the main course: a deeper feeling that is established over time when we manage to love a partner for who he is. It is this mature love that brings peace. It gives us the happiness of living with our best friend, the confidence that there is someone nearby, thanks to whom we have become ourselves. And then we feel that together we are stronger and freer. Only those who have never reached this phase of love think that it does not bring such pleasure as the original passion.
Consent, love, respect, commitment – these are the four components of a long relationship. To come to this, you need to get rid of fantasies of serene ideal love, says Svetlana Fedorova. Indeed, in reality, relationships are always ambivalent: they contain both love and hatred, and separation of feelings, and rejection. Without a doubt, this is a challenge, and the question is whether we have the strength to accept it.