Harmonious relationship. Training book (N.I. Kozlov)

This book is written with an appeal to «polite you». This is how it is customary to communicate with us at the University of Practical Psychology and in Sinton. We communicate with most people in this format, regardless of gender and age, because it is more trusting and close. If you are more comfortable with the appeal to “You”, then when reading a book, just change the appeal mentally, on your own. It’s easy enough!

Welcome to the world of Harmonious relations in the synthon approach!

© Kozlov N.I., 2020

© University of Practical Psychology, 2020

​© Design, edition of CTC Galaktika, 2021

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Who needs this book and why?

Look around.

2020s. According to official statistics, in Russia there are 1000 divorces per 829 marriages. 38% of people are classified as «lonely». These are those who do not have a spouse, who live alone, or are limited to short relationships. According to statistics, only one out of five women after 40, left alone, starts a relationship again. Among my friends and girlfriends, the statistics confirm the official one. My peers are desperately dreaming (once again) of getting married, my peers meet (with Noah, already lost count) a woman, but they don’t want to take responsibility: they already burned themselves!

Loneliness is “disease XX! century» not only in Russia, but throughout the world, according to WHO. Along with depression, a faithful companion of loneliness. But if depression is treated well enough with the right drugs, pills for loneliness are unlikely to ever be invented. Robots don’t help either, not even the «sex robots» that are gaining popularity in Japan and the US. A robot can be both an interlocutor (hello, Alice!) And a sexual partner, but the only cure for feeling lonely is close relationships with living people, communication, mutual assistance and mutual satisfaction of needs.

The generation of people born in the 80s and 90s are divorcees, bachelors, single mothers, «Sunday dads», or spouses who do not love each other, but live together «for the sake of the children.»

I deliberately thicken the dark colors so that the reader wants to argue. Indeed, among the mass of sad and complex stories, there are golden grains of couples in which there is Family happiness!

Family happiness is when it is warm in a relationship, and this warmth spreads around, warming people. This is Love as a mutual and harmonious Joyful Care, in which it is equally good for both.

To build harmonious relationships, you need to be inside — an accomplished, mentally healthy, bright person. And this is a difficult skill that few people possess in our time!

A woman with whom a decent, worthy or elite man wants to be with is a woman-sun, caring, interesting, sexy, while being faithful, reliable and wise. Such a woman knows how to say exactly what is needed, and organize an atmosphere of calm and comfort for a man, so that after his accomplishments and struggle in the outside world, he would come home and understand that there was no need to fight here. Then the man feels resourcefulness, support and respect for him and responds in kind. If the ability to create such an atmosphere is not sufficiently developed, and the woman is conflicted, touchy, unsatisfied, with sick attachments and chronic pain inside, then any normal man will stay away from her.

And go looking for another. How many of these can you find?

This is another answer to why we have so many breakups and so few examples of strong and stable relationships.

Heartache, resentment, anger, chronic victimhood, complaining, and other problematic dynamics are illnesses that need to be cured in order to build a harmonious relationship. There are no other options! And the work ahead is not easy. But the results are worth it. After all, there is nothing more valuable, expensive and vitally promising than real close relationships and the feeling that you are not alone.

Healthy people and those who were able to grow personally and teach themselves healthy emotional, mental and communication habits live with love, give warmth, which they have in abundance, protect each other and relationships, strengthen bonds and material base, build their Dynasty.

Do you want to build a dynasty? Will you pull?

Most of us and our childhood friends had «grandparents» who lived together for decades until death parted them. They would have tried to get a divorce in the Soviet Union, when the whole system was set up to form strong cells of society! Marriages were concluded at a young age, while divorces were very rare. The generation of parents had different stories, not everyone survived the difficult 90s, when the family values ​​of socialism were replaced by freedom from dogmas. And about the generation that now belongs to the category of «youth and middle age», I already wrote. Agree, finding a new partner on the Internet is much easier than getting along with someone who doesn’t suit you! Is it worth the effort?

Yes! It’s worth your investment and will pay off!

After all, those who strain and invest in their personal development still build families and dynasties. They build strong relationships, brick by brick, holding these bricks together with a powerful set of agreements, obligations and understanding of the importance and value of relationships. And get rich dividends! After all, when a loved one is next to you, who supports (and, if necessary, even insures), gives “nourishment and safety”, shows respect and admiration, protects and pleases, this positively affects health, creativity, and productivity, and to all other important areas.

Building harmonious relationships is useful and promising in every sense! Train!

From what bricks the strongest relationships are built, you will learn from this book. A world-famous psychologist, Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov, with his beloved wife, Marina Konstantinovna Smirnova, are people who created their large friendly family, raised 5 successful children and have been helping people create the same wonderful families for many years. For more than 35 years, Nikolai Ivanovich has been collecting a collection of Distance exercises that help bring the Personality to a higher level in various areas of life. Nikolai Ivanovich taught thousands of couples. Perhaps even more than tens of thousands (nobody kept statistics, we only know that the total circulation of Nikolai Ivanovich’s books today is more than 20 million copies).

Many of his students did it! What I sincerely wish you!

• Try to do the exercises that are described in the book, and you will see the results,
• Your relationship will become warmer and more joyful.
• You will be able to solve problems in relationships that could not be solved before.
• You will take 30 steps to master the art of Love as Joyful Caring,
• You will learn to act not only as it turns out “on its own”, but as people who have created the best families act!
  

We, the team of authors of the book, responsibly declare: we cannot guarantee that reading this book will radically change your life.

In order for life to change dramatically, you need to change a thousand subtle parameters in a person, and this cannot be done from one book. You have already read (or read, dear and respected man!) a lot of books and articles on the topic of self-development and you understand that there are no easy transformations in this matter.

Our brain is still a donkey that stands on old reactions and habits! To move it, you need to go through serious and lengthy training (for example, at our University of Practical Psychology), fix every technique, every success, every correct thought, emotion, action at the level of automatism.

But we can guarantee results!

Reading this little book, subject to the quality of the assignments, will give you a lot! If you do these exercises responsibly and wisely, you will be surprised how much better your relationship with your “half” and other people will become! You will become a healthier and stronger person, pump up your «mental muscle», learn new reactions and behaviors that, with regular training, will truly transform you!

How to work with a book?

This book contains 30 exercises to create a harmonious relationship with your «soulmate». If you stick to the recommended schedule, completing the exercise book will take 6 weeks.

If you work out with this simulator for a week, then the results will be commensurate with strength training in the gym: there will be overload and fatigue, and when you quit, you will soon notice that the “muscle mass” gained with such difficulty is no longer visible.

If you stretch hard work for more than 1,5 months, then the loads every day will, on the contrary, be too small and inconspicuous. Then there is a high probability that the work will stall, because when there are no significant loads and visible results, then only the most hardworking and responsible people have enough motivation to continue!

6 weeks is the optimal time to complete this simulator! 5 exercises per week. After that, it will be possible to limit yourself to “supporting loads” to strengthen harmonious relationships — to apply the most beloved and effective exercises when they are appropriate.

The recommended mode of work with exercises, which students of the University of Practical Psychology follow in sprints

• The evening before, you study the exercise, the article and the observations of those who have already worked with this topic.
• You work the whole next day in real life. The main rule is not to break life on technology, but to integrate new things into life in an environmentally friendly, carefully, without strain. Otherwise, there will be more problems than positive, and the result will not be the same effect that would have been obtained if the exercise had been completed in a timely manner. If you didn’t manage to work out a moment well that day, you say to yourself: “Mistake! I’m good! Work!» — and continue tomorrow, or send it to the “string bag”, postpone until the day when this exercise will be performed more appropriately and comfortably.
• In the evening of the same day, you write a report in the working notebook “Success Diary” (in the report you answer questions and be sure to praise yourself for your success),
• After the report is written, you can start learning a new exercise for tomorrow.

We recommend that during the week there are 5 days of exercise work and 2 days off. Our weekends do not overlap with the days of the week: if one week you have a day off on Monday and Wednesday, and the next week — on Tuesday and Saturday — this is normal! We do not recommend planning more than 2 weekends in a row so as not to lose your tone! Vigorous vigorous regular work gives the best return! Like in the gym.

Two days off a week, you can just take a break from the topic of building relationships. And you can sum up, think, analyze, note what successes were in completing tasks, what was good, what can be improved, for which you can praise yourself. On the day off, you can practice already completed exercises or their elements. The main thing is to take up new exercises with renewed vigor and enthusiasm after the weekend!

After all 30 exercises have been completed, we recommend that you do not put the book in the back cabinet, but keep it in sight and periodically return to it. Even if you have worked through it “from cover to cover”, the next time you read it, you will find a lot of new and amazing things! Our brain is not able to retain all the information the first time, so books with «concentrated wisdom», such as this one, are useful to read and re-read several times!

You already know a lot about how to bring happiness, love, respect and other important things into your home. For the most part, this issue is solved by banal principles and recommendations! But those who do not do them do not get the desired results. Therefore, follow even the simplest recommendations from this book. All these little wisdoms are taken from the lives of those who have everything in order with their families and relationships! Do you need it too? Then thank your inner critic if he comes out and keep doing the recommended exercises.

Any knowledge can turn into a dead useless stone, or it can turn into jet fuel that will take relationships to new heights! It all depends on whether to do or not to do.

Some exercises may seem difficult, but the main thing here is to start — and it turns out that everything is within your power. Start with the simplest and most understandable for you in this exercise, and gradually deepen. Then you can be proud of yourself!

Rule for perfectionists. It is important to do the exercises well enough, that is, thoughtfully and in a timely manner, and move on! High-level executives say, «I don’t need this to be done perfectly, I need it to be done on a Thursday.» You, too, should remember to do the exercises well enough and at the right time. Then you will have the best results! Discussing the Family Agreement Questionnaire in a few small steps and incompletely is better than working through it «totally perfect, but never.»

In the process of practicing the exercises, you will discover new talents and resources in yourself, this is noted by all students of the University of Practical Psychology when passing such sprints. You will be surprised at how much simpler and more voluminous your personal relationships have become, how much your personality has been pumped.

So, are you ready / ready to start harmonizing relationships?

Then go ahead!

First of all, study your work notebook «Success Diary».

You can find it in the attachment at the end of the book. This is very convenient — you can carry your «Success Diary» separately (in a bag or briefcase), or put it back into a book and take it with the book. Or store both on the bedside table. Choose the option that is most convenient for you!

Notepad will serve you for recording your valuable thoughts, «essays» on the proposed topics, a list of questions for a conversation with your «soulmate» and clear assignment reports.

Let this be a useful and pleasant ritual for you: sit by the window with a cup of aromatic tea, open your notebook and write your Future with a good pen.

After all, you are the Author of your Life!

You can come up with any other ritual (or several different ones), the most important thing is that the process of writing reports gives you pleasure!

We wish you success in practicing the exercises! You can practice the exercises with all the people around you: with your spouse, parents, children, with friends and in a team. Train on relationships with unfamiliar and even strangers, and then you will know exactly how to behave with the most significant people for you!

It is important to act, go forward, and positive results will definitely come! Good luck on this most interesting Path!

Task 1. «From protection to training»

Students of the University of Practical Psychology begin the Distance with an exercise, without which all further training does not make much sense.

Namely, they move from «defending» their habits, opinions, reactions — to attentive perception of new material and real study.

This book is not Distance, but you too can understand the meaning of the exercise and get used to learning — always, everywhere, as efficiently as possible.

Does it happen that you perceive information from the outside world or the words of people as an attack and give an “adequate” answer? It happens to everyone! But when you take something with hostility, you usually close yourself the opportunity to take something useful from the situation. And your task is to get the maximum benefit, without distracting negative emotions.

«From Defense to Teaching» can be applied not only in dealing with people, but even when reading this book itself. Only proven and honed over the years techniques are collected here. If a negative or ironic reaction occurs while reading an exercise, remember this first exercise and think about how to remove this resistance and what you can still learn here. Good workout!

Achieve the following metrics:

“I know how to admit my wrong and my mistakes where it was, I know how to remove internal resistance and react to reasonable comments in my direction — with understanding.

My response (words and intonations) is such that the partner feels that he was heard.

I am attentive to comments, grateful for reasonable objections, instead of defending my innocence, I consider the discussion as a learning situation and an opportunity to grow wiser.

It all depends on who, why and how makes comments or criticizes. Criticism can be fair, unfair and cloudy when it is not clear what is justified in criticism and what is not.

• It is difficult to deal with vague criticism, when remarks are formulated vaguely, indistinctly and where the reasonable is confused with the stupid and offensive. In such cases, it is undesirable to engage in analysis and bickering, it is better to think about what happened on your own (yourself), or at least transfer the conversation to another time and other circumstances, where you can talk more reasonably and slowly.

Fair criticism can be painful, but it must be treated with attention and gratitude. It is difficult for us to see our shortcomings as brightly and convexly as people who communicate with us at work, at home, in a friendly informal setting see them. Fair criticism tells us where and what we are wrong, gives us the opportunity to correct the situation, to make things better.

Support fair criticism in your direction: respond to it positively. If the criticism is fair, it is better to agree with it immediately and in a categorical form.

The ability to admit one’s mistakes quickly and decisively usually disarms the interlocutor.

If you’re wrong

It happens that sometimes you are wrong. Sometime they can show you this (suggest, point out, poke your nose into it), sometime you can understand it yourself — if there are not enemies next to you, but normal people, then defending your wrong is stupid.

If you realized that you were wrong, then you must admit that you were wrong.

Yes, it’s not easy. To admit one’s wrong, to do it directly and out loud — it can be difficult to admit even to adults and strong people. However, well-mannered and efficient people can do it quite well.

Rare, but it may not happen. Some people find it important that the guilty person suffer and endure longer, and a quick confession of guilt will seem too easy for them. They calm down only when they witness the ongoing mental anguish. Explaining to them that they are wrong is not always realistic, and it is easier to show them what they are waiting for.

Culture is not characteristic of everyone, and from many people and more than once you will once hear both stupid and offensive remarks.

If possible, it is better to skip such rubbish criticism without even discussing it.

«The dogs bark, the caravan moves on.» Do your best, and don’t waste time arguing with those who criticize you for no reason, without understanding, or just settling scores.

Task of the day

The exercise is not easy, so if possible, find a partner with whom you will daily discuss your successes and difficulties in this exercise.

It’s great if a partner sees you and is well aware of your situations at home or at work.

Start by noticing situations where you are being criticized in one way or another. Or situations that you perceive as criticism (keep in mind that sometimes you are not criticized at all, but you perceive words as criticism).

To celebrate means not to immediately respond to criticism, but to note calmly inside: “here, this is criticism in my direction.”

And briefly write down: what is it about, what are the comments or complaints. At the end of the day, you should have a list of situations where you had any criticisms or grievances.

Not all comments in your direction are smart and constructive, but you must be smart and constructive, so at the end of the day, at least three points, you need to find something where there was an inaccuracy or flaw on your part, where next time you will be smarter and more adequate.

Write down your conclusions on how to be smarter next time in your working notebook “Success Diary”.

The right questions to help you come to your senses when you are criticized:

1. “Do I need such a face and this tension? Is it good for me? If not, relax!
2. “And if I take his place: why does he do this? Surely he has no ill intent.»
3. “What can I do right now to make a difference?”

The result of the exercise «From protection to training»

What is your reaction to constructive criticism?

• I don’t argue with criticism. Criticisms are a great opportunity for discussion.
• I listen to criticism of my work with interest, as well as criticism of the work of my colleagues.
• On the face there is no frustration or resentment.
• Critics — thank you. I say that I took myself from the tips, and how I will accustom myself to this.
• If I am asked a difficult question regarding my development, I do not hush it up, I do not ignore it, I do not skip it, I do not blur it with an empty “as if an answer” or a dummy “Well, I don’t know.” I fix this difficult question for myself, remember it, think about it, ask for help if necessary — and solve the problem.

Other tips

1. Ask for criticism in advance yourself — then you (as a rule) will hear not criticism, but benevolent prompts, and you yourself will be quite ready for any comments.
2. A great way to train yourself to ask for criticism is to practice the “What do you think?” exercise.

Game «What do you think?»

It’s simple: you start speaking briefly and, having expressed your thought briefly, you ask your interlocutor: “What do you think?” If you start behaving in this way, it is easy for you to negotiate with your loved ones so that they respond to you in the same way.

Remote Reviews

Elena Doroshenko

In connection with this exercise, I remembered one interesting metaphor about the Disciple who came to comprehend the Truth in the Temple.

When he came to the Temple, he put on the white robe of a disciple and seemed to “forget” about all his previous experience. He became a «white sheet», ready to comprehend something new. That is, while he was studying, he took the words of his Teacher for the Truth.

When the training of the day ended, the Student, leaving the Temple, took off the white robe of the Student and “remembered” everything that he knew before. And only after that he analyzed all the information received.

When I am learning something, I approach learning exactly as in this metaphor, as in the «from defense to learning» exercise. In my opinion, it is impossible to holistically accept new knowledge if you are constantly in the role of a critic. It is better to embrace this knowledge first, and only then consider it from a critical angle. Therefore, I fully accept this exercise.

Anonymous author

I take criticism with interest, without frustration and resentment. Yesterday I worked with my mother and instead of protecting my mother’s “Forgot about me”, I set a goal to strengthen relations. Namely, instead of the initial justification and presentation, “I have a session at the university and do it all my free time,” she said, “I really miss it! I’ll come by Tuesday — I’ll hug you.»

Anonymous author

Yesterday, the customers accepted the video script from me and said that it was not suitable. At first I experienced a range of feelings and emotions (oh, my favorite bad habits!), then I reproached myself, then I realized that I was wasting a lot of time. At this point, I agreed with what is possible — and from this a series of correct questions was born to the customer. Namely, it didn’t fit — it’s …

Not suitable for the communication task?

• Aimed at the wrong target audience?
• Distorted facts?
• Now ready for a constructive conversation.

Anonymous author

I fell in love with this exercise and recommend it to all couples who are having relationship difficulties. Pros of the exercise:

1) the husband is happy that they are interested in his opinion as an expert! Her husband’s eyes lit up.

2) I am not offended by what my husband says, I write everything down, clarifying with a kind face (after all, this is part of the exercise).

Checklist for the week

• From protection to education.