Harmful character: what can be changed in yourself?

“He has a bad temper”, “She is so quick-tempered!”, “She has a friendly disposition” … How often do we issue a verdict that is not subject to revision. And sometimes we stamp ourselves, not giving a chance for change. But in our emotional world, everything is not so unshakable and unambiguous.

“Character is a complex of behavioral strategies and the best ways for us to cope with an unexpected or stressful situation, emotions are part of this complex complex,” explains emotionally focused therapist Svetlana Timofeeva. “A bad temper, as people call it, is a manifestation of behavior that can cause suffering both to its“ happy owner ”and to others.”

When we are dissatisfied with someone’s character, we mean that we do not like the way he shows emotions, we are uncomfortable next to him, and sometimes even unsafe. Can he regulate these emotional outbursts himself? To begin with, let’s try to figure out where emotions come from and what they are.

Basic equipment and tuning

Basic emotions are laid in us when we are still in the womb. “The embryo reacts to environmental influences, at 9 weeks it recognizes the taste of amniotic fluid, at 16 weeks it hears sounds, at 25 weeks it distinguishes light, some of the sensations are pleasant to it, others are not. This is the basis of future emotions,” says Svetlana Timofeeva. 

– After birth, the child continues to actively develop the brain, including the cingulate gyrus, which is responsible for the formation of emotional intelligence and the ability to cooperate. The more a child is in empathic contact with an adult who is responsive to their attachment needs, the more diverse the connections in this area of ​​the brain will be.”

This helps in the future to regulate their emotions, to make contact with other people and maintain it, it is easier to cope with stress.

Psychologists do not agree on exactly how many basic emotional states we have: in transactional analysis, four are distinguished – anger, fear, joy, sadness, sometimes adding a fifth to them – love. The emotionally focused therapist will add the disgust and interest that drives us to explore the world from infancy.

There is also no consensus among practicing psychologists about what emotions are and what distinguishes them from feelings. Someone believes that the difference is in intensity, someone – in duration, someone – in the degree of manifestation. Is it really that important, they ask? The main thing is what our manifestations are outside, and let the classification remain for science.

Character is a complex structure. “It is based on natural temperament, associated with the speed of psychophysiological processes of excitation and inhibition,” explains art therapist Anna Efimkina. – Then to this are added the skills of behavior that would be convenient for others.

Character is the first thing that parents try to mold from us, forbidding the manifestation of some emotions and reinforcing the manifestation of others, while focusing on society. When we go out of our micro-society – the family – into the world, we encounter other people and their way of expressing emotions and feelings.

So character, unlike temperament, is directly related to education.

“Education is putting on social masks that allow us to be predictable, and therefore safe for others,” continues Anna Efimkina. “They approach us all the time with an evaluation scale: what are you like for us now?”

We get used to evaluating ourselves in the same way, and as a result, we often confuse our emotions with the way they are expressed in behavior. And we try to completely suppress them, instead of looking for different ways to manifest them.

“Emotions are our vital adaptive mechanisms,” recalls Svetlana Timofeeva. “And under no circumstances should they be abandoned. Try to take away from a person the vital emotions inherent in nature (as opposed to social ones: they include, for example, shame) – it’s like taking him into the forest and taking away a map and a compass. Every emotion has a function to help us survive.” For example, manifestations of fear are not approved in society. But in a situation where we are walking down a dark alley and hear footsteps behind us, the fear that makes us take a step forward can be life-saving.

“Character is something that I can help change the person who came to me,” continues Anna Efimkina. We cannot change emotions, but we can learn to be aware of them. Some of us were forbidden to get angry in childhood, some to cry. Psychotherapy is the opposite of parenting: through the layers of social masks, we get to the core, where there is a place for all feelings, and then the client learns to regulate their manifestation.

Did not get along

Each of us acquires with the next “annual ring” his own set of emotions. How can we come to an agreement with each other and not intrude with our line into the space of another?

“When young married couples say that they don’t get along, I clarify what they mean,” says transactional analyst Lyudmila Shekholm. – I understand that two family systems have collided, and their own has not yet been built, and each of the partners strives to fit the other into its own framework.

It is in everyday psychology that they will say: “We are different in character.” But for me, something else is important: that each of us is looking for love, reproducing that unfinished stage of development, when we did not receive the emotional response we wanted from loved ones.

My mother, sister, father, grandfather were cold to me – I will look for the same cold friends, colleagues, lovers to play my script again in the hope of changing it. Someone who did not receive attention in childhood, in adulthood, may be late, break the rules, behave with a challenge, that is, try in various ways to make others notice him.

And my task as a therapist is to teach the client to take care of himself so that he is his own loving mother, good father, sister, grandfather and does not try to change others.

Each of our feelings is the key to needs: to be heard, seen, understood, important, to feel safe.

This is what we are looking for in contact with others. But in our, Russian, culture, it is not very customary to share experiences.

“Many of us were brought up this way: girls were told to be flexible and patient, boys were told to be resilient and hardy,” continues Lyudmila Sjoholm. “And as a result, we often find it difficult to understand our own feelings and the needs that lie behind them.

We create a shell out of socially approved manifestations. Sometimes it is so strong that, only having experienced clinical death or stress, we allow ourselves to experience the whole gamut of feelings. To avoid such situations, it is worth recognizing and removing the prohibitions on getting to know emotions in advance.

Bad or good

We often confuse different feelings with each other. “For example, we think that we are angry, but in fact we are sad. Or we cry, and behind this lies anger, – explains Lyudmila Shekholm. – In transactional analysis there is the concept of “Gangman’s Laughter”, when instead of an adequate reaction to a terrible event, we see something like joy. For example, someone with a smile talks about a fire. It’s his way of protecting himself from a deep feeling that could be sadness or fear of the future.”

But listening to what is happening to us, we will find one of the four basic emotions at the heart of our experiences. Each of them guards our borders.

We were born with the anger to say “No!” if someone invades our personal space. It breaks if someone violates time limits: they are late or delay us.

Sadness protects the boundaries of the past, forcing you to say goodbye to losses – loved ones, your favorite pen, wallet, unborn children, broken relationships.

Fear guards our future, helping to take care of safety and not put life and health at risk. Joy expands the boundaries, strengthens relationships with others, we experience it when we give others our love, knowledge, care.

You can often hear even from experts that there are positive and negative emotions.

This is not true, Svetlana Timofeeva believes: “Anger frightens people, repels them. But when you stand up for your dignity and right, anger is useful. It can increase self-confidence, courage. Fear makes us hide, feel small – this is a minus. But he forces to be attentive to circumstances and people.

Sadness causes pain, but tears help soften the state of crisis and attract sympathy. Shame cuts us off from others, makes us turn away from ourselves, but gives us hope to make things right and never do it again. Joy increases resistance to discomfort and stress, and makes us more curious and playful. But she also relaxes, and you do not expect any catch. So every emotion has both pluses and minuses.

“Not loving some of your emotions is like not loving your right arm or leg,” says Anna Efimkina. “They are all part of me. Try to get rid of fear – you will perish the same day. Get rid of aggression – you will probably die a little later, in two days. By agreeing to live, we subscribe to the whole range of feelings. The only question is to learn how to change the nature of the manifestation of emotions and their “loudness” and appropriateness.