Even they have periods of sadness, despondency and anxiety. And that’s okay. Psychotherapists and family counselors Linda and Charlie Bloom share why it is pointless to avoid experiences and how learning to accept unpleasant feelings can help you become happier.
No matter what we do, sometimes we face losses and disappointments, we experience physical and emotional exhaustion. Pain is unavoidable, but it is not necessary to suffer either.
Pain is the experience of something that causes physical, psychological, and emotional discomfort. So the body signals what needs to be paid attention to. Even though pain is not an emotion, there are emotions that cause pain. These include grief, anxiety, guilt, shame, and rage.
Emotions are energy that flows through the body. Some are especially difficult for us, so we perceive them as negative. However, these are just labels that describe our attitude to the events experienced.
Sometimes it’s good to intentionally stay present in the moment at the cost of discomfort.
We suffer when we resist unpleasant experiences for a long time. Usually, when we try to deny something or resist the inevitable, we start to suffer.
Happy people know how to respond to the signals of the body, and know how to properly relate to emotions. Not only do they not suffer from an obsession with incessant pleasure, but they also do not try to avoid unpleasant emotions at all costs. They do not deny pain, they rather experience feelings and sensations, but do not feel any attachment or disgust for them.
Avoiding painful emotions is a long-established habit. It happens involuntarily and there is nothing wrong with it. We don’t have to think about taking our hand off the hot stove. The nervous system itself makes a decision, and then, within a nanosecond, performs the desired action.
Some people do not even imagine that it is possible to act otherwise. If you’re running a marathon and you suddenly feel unbearable chest pain, the best thing you can do is stop. If you don’t, your body will do it for you.
Nevertheless, sometimes it will be more correct to intentionally remain present in the moment at the cost of unpleasant sensations, and not to «withdraw your hand.» If you develop the ability to listen carefully, instead of avoiding and resenting, this leads to a qualitatively new result.
If a business partner expresses dissatisfaction that you have not fulfilled a promise, and you are experiencing pain because of this, it is better to experience temporary discomfort. Do not hide from the problem, do not start arguing, trying to get away from your own experiences.
In order to learn how to properly respond to such situations, you will have to develop insight along with the ability to tolerate strong feelings and sensations. One of the characteristics of professional athletes is the ability to endure physical pain and discomfort. We do not encourage you to inflict unnecessary suffering on yourself or to always be present in the moment when you experience strong sensations.
But if you can’t reduce the pain, you can learn how to respond to it so that it stops. Or at least minimize it. You can’t be happy all the time — it doesn’t happen. But we can treat discomfort differently: experience it, let it through us and let it go. You don’t have to avoid pain. It is better to meet her with compassion and accept.
If we behave in this way, we will learn to respond to someone else’s pain in the same way. The ability to let through unpleasant experiences is a real gift for our loved ones, whom we can support in moments of sadness. And this will be an important element for the development of healthy and harmonious relationships.
About the authors: Linda Bloom and Charlie Bloom are psychotherapists, family counselors, television and radio hosts.