Happy misalliance: how to repel the attack of relatives and friends?

Those who have been in a relationship at least once know that someone from the environment will definitely find some kind of mismatch in your couple. Relatives, friends, acquaintances will certainly notice something that contradicts social stereotypes, cultural attitudes, family traditions. And all because there is no relationship without misalliances. Each union is somewhat unequal, family and couples psychotherapist Natalya Olifirovich is sure.

“We are all different: the level of wealth, social status, education, intelligence, appearance. We initially come to a couple in inequality: someone is more beautiful, someone is older, someone has a more docile character, someone adapts better to stress. Some misalliances are imperceptible, and some are conspicuous.

But, it would seem, if a beauty likes her evil dwarf or a rich man lives well with Cinderella, then what difference does it make to them – who and what says about them? Why are they paying attention to it?

“We react to the vibes of others, unfortunately, you can’t ignore them,” Natalya Olifirovich is convinced. We live in a society where the opinions of others are always important to us. In the same tale about Ivan Tsarevich, the Pope-Tsar ordered him to shoot an arrow and bring home the wife who was hit by the arrow. And it seems that the father approved the marriage with the frog, but Ivan Tsarevich was still worried about how this union would be assessed by the social environment. It is important for us that people approve and say: “Although she is a toad, she bakes cakes like that! And what kind of shirts does he sew? And at night there is no one better than her.

For “good” reasons

Unfortunately, not all couples cope when someone attacks their relationship. How do attacks happen? Most often, we are not told openly: “I love you and am jealous of your partner, so I want to destroy your relationship.” Or a mother will never admit that she is jealous of her own daughter, who lives in love and wealth with her husband, because she herself has lived in poverty all her life with an alcoholic.

If everything is fine with our friends and girlfriends – there is no violence, abuse in the union, then what difference does it seem to us how they live? What emotion turns on in us when we climb into someone else’s monastery with our charter?

“Most often, envy and jealousy are behind this, sometimes just anger – I don’t have it, but someone has it. And then the couple is attacked, the happy owner of what we do not have. The easiest way to exalt your son, brother, friend in an attack, and to devalue, denigrate the second partner. Sometimes they say nasty things directly, sometimes they are veiled. “Your wife is good, of course, but here’s a size 40 foot,” says the psychologist.

But if you think about it, it turns out that with such attacks and injections we are indirectly told that in general we are stupid, blind, spineless, since the wrong partner “wounded” us. It is difficult for people without psychological hardening and preparation to resist such pressure.

Those who are psychologically savvy can directly ask the “well-wisher” question: “What message do you really want to send me? What are the true motives behind such an attack?” As a rule, people inexperienced in psychological theories begin to doubt: did I really choose that one? After all, relatives will not lie, they don’t need anything from us, they love us and worry about us. Few relatives honestly admit that someone else’s happiness infuriates.

“In several episodes, Shrek wants to marry Fiona,” Natalya Olifirovich gives an example. – She, speaking in the language of psychology, is a split personality – from her mother she inherited human beauty, from her father – the appearance of a toad. And she needs to choose which part of her will remain forever. She chooses to be just like her beloved Shrek.

But all the same, throughout the films, certain forces constantly intervene and want to prevent them. Because it’s unbearable that ugly green ogres can be happy and have babies. Therefore, it is important when you are attacked to remain stable and put up a barrier to all attacks. “What’s the difference to you?” Or “I’m not ready to discuss this with you.” Or you can ask: “And with what feelings do you ask me about this, maybe this word with the letter Z is envy? Not? Is it a concern? But did I ask you to take care of me? Do I look like a person who needs such care?

Monitor

Very often, with visible inequality, misalliances are balanced. She gives her youth and beauty, and he gives her a sense of security and life in abundance. He occupies a high status, and she creates comfort and warmth at home.

But even if it suddenly seems to you that there is inequality in your union, make a sign. It will help to visually see what each of us invests in the union, how balanced the investments are. And what and how can be improved.

“Enter in the table: what I give to a partner, what I receive from him and what I would like to receive from him,” suggests Natalya Olifirovich. – Weigh: is it balanced that I receive and give. Rate on a 10-point scale from 0 to 10 the effort you put into each activity: 0 – very easy, 10 – very hard.

If you have a huge amount of return, and everything is simple on his part and it does not cost him anything, this is a clear imbalance. Because we value the relationships we invest in. What do I want or would like to receive from a partner? Talk about it. “I am grateful to you for this and for this, but I really want to receive flowers or an erotic text message from you once a month.” Monitor daily: “Do I still want to be with this person? Do I still love him? If yes, then all is well.”

And it’s also useful to think about if someone else’s misalliance annoys us: what is it that touches me so much in this story, what is in it about me, my feelings, my life? Maybe I’m so involved in the life of a friend because my life has not been happy lately? And is it much easier to deal with someone else’s misalliance than your own?