Happy — at what cost?

We know these children well. Ten-year-old Nikita roller-skates professionally, is well versed in cinema, has been learning English since kindergarten and does not remember the time when he did not know how to use a computer. He loves to read and is not averse to discussing environmental issues, but he has handwriting problems, and teachers say that Nikita still has trouble concentrating. Dasha is eight, in the morning she carefully thinks over her outfit. She loves Star Factory and Bratz dolls, but still asks the nanny to play «shop» with her during the day after school.

Nikita and Dasha are ordinary children «from good families.» They look quite prosperous, do not need anything, but can they be called happy? Experts believe that this is the question that really worries parents when they say at a psychologist’s appointment: “She doesn’t read at all,” “He’s bored at school,” “He doesn’t want to grow up.” In fact, dads and moms would like to ask one single question: “Is my child happy enough?” — and get a clear answer to it.

Just a «little adult»…

Today, concern for the happiness and well-being of children seems natural to us. But even 100 years ago, most parents in different countries of the world believed that the main goal of education was to achieve unquestioning obedience to elders. “For most of its history, mankind treated children condescendingly and disrespectfully,” says Ekaterina Bakshutova, a historian of psychology. Children were considered imperfect adults, dressed in adult clothes (even in knightly armor), along with adults they were arrested, punished and … executed. The loss of a child was not a tragedy, on the contrary, parents perceived children as property, which they have the right to dispose of at their discretion. The situation began to change only from the end of the XNUMXth century. The largest French demographer and historian Philippe Aries believed that overcoming the indifferent attitude to childhood began with the appearance of portraits of dead children in painting at that time.

After another 100 years, the first children’s books and clothes appear… At the beginning of the XNUMXth century, some mothers from «educated» families decide to nurse and raise children themselves, physical punishment is less often used, doctors try to understand the characteristics of the child’s body. “Now children are considered, their right to be someone special is recognized, as if the public consciousness had just now discovered for itself that the soul of a child is also immortal,” Philippe Aries wrote about this time.

At the center of interest

A real boom in interest in the child and how it develops began in the twentieth century. And he was connected with the research of psychologists and pediatricians. Sigmund Freud, Jean Piaget, Lev Vygotsky, Maria Montessori, Melanie Klein, Donald W. Winnicott — many leading psychologists of the world thought about the mechanisms of growing up, about how the higher mental functions of a person are formed and develop: memory, attention, emotions, imagination, cognitive processes. “For the first time, they saw and described how different children are from us adults,” says developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya. “Their whole being is arranged differently. With this knowledge, it has become easier for many parents to understand their child, to be indulgent, to treat him with respect and patience.”

But only in the second half of the twentieth century, the ideas of psychologists about the natural connection between mother and baby, the psychology of trust, a sense of affection, the child’s right to his own voice changed the situation of children in Europe and America.

Russia has its own history of relationships with childhood. In the mid-80s, writer Simon Soloveichik and pediatric surgeon Stanislav Doletsky published a series of articles in Uchitelskaya Gazeta urging parents … not to punish (beat) their children. With this publication, the famous public discussion began: what is the happiness of a child; how to teach it; is it possible to cooperate with him, be friends; whether his position should be respected; does he have a right to his own opinion? And how should the ban on punishment work: is it always or sometimes still possible to violate it? It is hard to believe, but only 20 years ago these issues were seriously discussed and argued in our country. “It was very difficult for many to believe that a child is not a small adult, he is a person with his own deep inner world,” recalls the writer Anatoly Pristavkin.

Discussing the status of the child in society has changed society itself. “New thinking”, “democratization”, “society with a human face”, “perestroika” – all these words we heard for the first time during a public discussion about what a “happy child” is.

Under the pressure of love

And now he has become for us even more than just a person. In many families, a child is a real «housekeeper»: he dictates the family’s routine, its rules and traditions, influences the acquisition and choice of a vacation spot. Parents protect him, are afraid to injure him, protect him from difficulties and any grief. “The well-being and happiness of a child has now become part of the concept of “personal happiness” for parents,” comments child psychologist Tatyana Bednik. “Before, we wanted to educate him. Today we strive to understand it.”

Parents want to make the child happy, primarily meaning social success. They perceive children’s mistakes and failures as a personal insult. “Most often behind such an obsession with adults is the desire to fulfill their own unrealized dreams and desires through a child,” explains Galina Burmenskaya. What does the child feel? To meet this level of expectations, he must always be good, show himself to the maximum, succeed in what he does. “But children,” continues Galina Burmenskaya, “very early feel the infringement of freedom of choice and meet it with hostility, even when they don’t know what is really important for them.” “And as a result, many children suffer from complexes caused by too much pressure — social and from parents,” says psychotherapist Yakov Obukhov.

Happy means…

Developed but not overloaded; successful, but not with the only goal to succeed without fail; resourceful and independent, but to the best of his age — a happy child grows, going through all stages of development at his own pace, and it is better not to try to speed it up. “Yesterday I didn’t go, but today I go! And look how happy he is! — recalls Galina Burmenskaya. – Happiness associated with human growth is a very strong feeling. The child develops inevitably. So he will be happy, especially if he is not rushed.”

He is not just a small person who knows and can do less than an adult. “A child is a completely different, special being and differs from us, first of all, in a qualitatively different psyche,” explains Olga Karabanova, an age psychologist. “Its development is complexly organized in time, its pace and rhythm vary in different years and months of life.” The source of children’s development is the environment in which they live, the culture that they learn in communication and joint activities with adults. The driving force of development is learning, in the process of which consciousness is rebuilt, a new level of generalizations is formed. “The wisdom of upbringing is to take into account the opportunities that the child has and lead him further,” continues Galina Burmenskaya. The younger he is, the more we adapt to him. But as we grow older, we must give him more independence. And ultimately «let go», allow him to live his life.

Between freedom and care

A happy child will become an independent adult when his time comes. Until then, we must patiently support him, responding to his request: «Help me do it myself.» Give freedom, but do not leave. To love and protect, but not to hide from life. Many parents find it difficult to adhere to these principles. We are not always able to determine whether a child is ready for more independence or still needs us very much. “It is very difficult to go between the Scylla of suppressing the child’s initiative and the Charybdis of premature deprivation of support and assistance,” comments Galina Burmenskaya. “In solving this problem, only parental sensitivity can help — in assessing the aspirations and capabilities of the child at any given moment.”

Will children who are overprotected or taught too early to be independent become unhappy? Not necessarily. Children, like flowers, are able to withstand severe frosts and the scorching sun — and still bloom.

When the plan of the world is revealed