We are not going through the easiest times, crises follow one another, politics and the economy are in a fever, reasoning about happiness may seem inappropriate. And yet, this is exactly what we are talking about with psychotherapist Viktor Kagan.
Psychologies: Isn’t it immoral to want happiness for yourself when many people around you feel bad?
Victor Kagan: I think it is immoral to raise the question of whether a person has the right to be happy. The Soviet government denied us individual happiness, it was believed that only collective happiness was possible, and if it was yours, individual, then according to the patterns made by the collective.
But there is a point in the American Declaration of Independence with which I completely agree: every person has the right to strive for happiness, as he understands it. Another question is what I do for my happiness. If I go over the heads of others, break the world for the sake of my goals, this is immoral, yes. But you are unlikely to become happy like that, and I am not an expert in morality.
Does our happiness depend on the environment?
It depends, but is not determined by it. I remember someone’s photograph of October 1941 — a car at a bus stop, going to the evacuation went out to get boiling water, stand by the car, talking about something and laughing … They laugh wonderfully — I thought that today we hardly know how to laugh the same way. Their life goes on, why shouldn’t they be happy?
When I do not accept what is happening, my reactions are rejection, depression or aggression. And when you accept reality, you begin to think how to live now in the new conditions. Much depends on our attitude to what is happening and to ourselves. One will be unhappy, having lost 15% of the three-billion dollar business, and the other will be happy, because even though he was left without a job, he is still alive! One is unhappy that there is no jamon, and the other thinks: there is a reason to try something new.
Still, it’s hard to enjoy life when you don’t know what you’ll eat tomorrow…
As long as basic needs are not met and essentials are lacking, I may mistake satisfaction for happiness. The level of happiness rises as needs are met, but then reaches a plateau and at some point will fall. People say about it — “they are mad with fat”, but this happens when the needs are satisfied, and life goals are unclear: I have everything, but why?
If you were to ask Viktor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor, if he had a happy life, I think he would say yes.
Do you have a definition of happiness?
I like the definition given by one 11-year-old boy: his father died young of a heart attack, and his mother tried to arrange her life, settled him with her aunts, visited him, called him, but less and less. The aunts came to me because he was having difficulties at school. And it was just the day after his birthday, when his mother did not call and did not come. And he told me: «Happiness is when you are loved by those you love.»
We think about happiness when we lack something. We do not talk about something else — «lucky!», meaning that he is the same as us. We notice when he is happier than us. And when we are asked what is needed for happiness, we name what is missing at the moment.
They say happiness can be measured…
Even if you can’t define it, how can you measure it? There are two sides to happiness — a sharp, strong feeling that doesn’t last long. And there is a happy life: it’s about how good my life is for me, how good it is for me. But this does not mean that everything that happens to me is pure happiness. If you were to ask concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl if he had a happy life, I think he would say yes. But I do not know any single recipes for happiness, nor ways to measure it.
But there is still one recipe — “stop worrying and start living” …
Absolutely impossible! How can I not worry? As long as I’m alive, I’m worried. He opened his eyes, the sun is shining — the body responded with a slight stress — what is it hitting in the eyes? Then he realized why the cat was not purring. Then you want to write — get up now or in 10 minutes? We worry all the time.
The second impossible advice is «keep yourself in control.» You always want to ask: for what place, for the throat? Such grandmother’s psychotherapies are a dime a dozen, but they do not work. Another thing is that you can worry — and be happy. You can even suffer and be happy. Were Archpriest Avvakum and Grigory Skovoroda happy? I think yes. Because they had a feeling of moving along their life path, a feeling — «I’m doing what I have to do.»
Is the hermit alone on the mountain? He is isolated. But he is, firstly, in touch with God, and secondly, in touch with those left in the valley. He knows that they know that he is praying here, in his inner space he is not alone and can be happy. And we suffer that they put us in isolation …
But the hermit is there of his own free will, but we are not!
One of the ways to live your life is to choose your path even in a situation of captivity and remain free. Overcome not only walls, but also your own limitations. And for this you need to return to yourself.
Sometimes you see how many mistakes you made in life and you regret it. But, stepping aside, you realize that this was the only possible way.
I have a patient who even came in handy in quarantine, because she habitually ignored all her worries on the run. And here in the forced seclusion there was time to think. With tears, hard, she worries, but finally thinks. Perhaps one day she will say: quarantine is bad, but it’s good that I had it in my life.