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Mentally and on a piece of paper, chewing the cinquefoil and tying a ribbon on the cast-iron parapet… We guess, ask or demand the materialization of our aspirations, dying from anticipation of a miracle or doubting and indignant in advance. Why are we doing this?
Walk the Inca trail, run a marathon, pay off debts, learn Chinese, decide on a serious operation, sit in the cockpit, drink more water, live in a cozy house on the edge of the village … Desires hover in our head incessantly, but on New Year and birthdays, their concentration reaches the limit, the air thickens and begins to vibrate.
Some of us draw wish cards, others make lists of promises. Still others are included in the «marathons of desires» — trainings where, under the guidance of a mentor, they learn to achieve their goals. The most cherished of what was planned turns out to be on pieces of paper to be burned on New Year’s Eve.
But then the laws of the Universe come into play, which each of us, with varying degrees of success, tries to unravel. Sometimes the request is executed so verbatim that it becomes scary, and sometimes — with such sophisticated editorial edits that you don’t recognize it. What does it depend on?
All at once
“There is one desire that stands behind all the others: “I want everything and more,” says Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. — Good luck, wealth, unclouded happiness… This is an irrepressible infantile human greed, the source of which is in infantile egocentrism and the feeling that the world was created to satisfy all our desires.
Dreams compensate us — alas, illusory — for the boredom of everyday life. But when we believe that we can do what we want and start planning it, our adult part turns on and takes responsibility for its realization.”
What we really want is being fulfilled — we hear this mantra from all sides. But wanting and wanting are not the same thing. For example, we look at a beautiful woman on the cover of a glossy magazine and dream of the same charming appearance.
“It would be nice to be able to feel deeply, to see what is behind this desire, our inner goal or the desire for external attributes of success, prestige,” comments existential psychotherapist Marina Khazanova. Yes, a beautiful woman is attractive. But the question is: do I want to be like her? Or do I want to be myself, only more well-groomed, toned up to the extent that I need it? And why should I?
Like falling in love
To clarify your dreams, you can sit down and think carefully: do I want to devote an extra two hours a day to my appearance (massage, choosing clothes and cosmetics) to the detriment of other interesting activities? Am I happy with the upcoming process?
“The fulfillment of desires is like falling in love,” Marina Khazanova notes. — If I am drawn to someone, then I willy-nilly build my life in such a way as to see my beloved. Even if for this you have to fly from India to Moscow every week, as one of my acquaintances does. Are you ready to fly every week? Hardly. And it gives him joy, he feels uplifted and inspired. So, for the realization of a dream, burning and pleasure are necessary. ”
Another criterion for the authenticity of desire is a clear understanding that it suits me.
That in this coat (or with knowledge of French, or with a donated Labrador puppy) I feel more like myself than without it.
“If I want something, I constantly think about it, I tell the world that I need it, but I ask respectfully, and do not demand, like the old woman from The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish,” clarifies the existential psychotherapist. “If I leave the universe the freedom to respond as I please and am prepared in advance for what can happen in different ways, then the world responds kindly.”
We can become so addicted to Korean music and cinema that we start learning Korean so that we can go to Korea and find a job there. But the situation in the world may change, studies may be delayed or interrupted for a while. Sooner or later, supporting this intention, we will be rewarded with a business proposal related to Korean culture, a useful acquaintance or a long-awaited trip to our beloved country.
What do you wish?
“Three years ago, when I left the advertising business and did not understand what I wanted to do, my friends suddenly wished me to have a lot of music in my life,” recalls 46-year-old Anzhelika. — Less than a month later, I was called to a new sphere for me: they offered to organize concerts and music salons. I found myself surrounded by talented performers, soon I wanted to practice myself, and I sat down with pleasure at the piano, although I had not approached it since my school years. Life sparkled with colors, thanks to friends for the timely wish.
Congratulating friends and loved ones is a creative act
And it can be accompanied by painful thoughts about what our addressee lacks for complete happiness. Sometimes we get into trouble, wishing to become parents to someone who does not want children, or travel to someone whose health and finances do not allow to set off.
It would be nice to take into account the values of the addressee, his circumstances and personal characteristics. But even if we know little about him and wish for something universal, like more free time, or a friendly environment, or for him to be interested in what he does, a small miracle can happen.
“Perhaps your addressee did not think about life in this perspective: “to make it interesting,” remarks Marina Khazanova. “And the wish can be a good accent, which will allow him to understand more clearly what is important to him.” And he will begin to strive for this and from the many possibilities to choose what is more interesting to him.
The principle of sustainability
Some of our aspirations can be destructive. To run a business alone, or to win someone’s love, or to impose your own rules on anyone who disagrees with them — such desires can be passionate, but sometimes lead to foul play and dangerous consequences for everyone.
“The desire to change the laws of life in one fell swoop and direct life in a revolutionary way for the better can hardly be called environmentally friendly, just like the desire to wipe someone’s nose,” remarks Marina Khazanova. Such a defensive strategy is unproductive. How to calculate it? Listen to the feelings that drive you.
“I do this because I am angry, offended, feel humiliated and want to take revenge? I want to prove to someone that I’m cooler? Or am I striving to realize myself and see what I can do?” This is the main criterion for environmental friendliness. Correlating our desires with the rules of the universe, where everyone is connected to each other, we can find a goal that is more appropriate for ourselves and, at least, harmless to others.
Dreams of something more
“When I listen to the fourth Brahms symphony or look at the starry sky, my breath catches,” admits 36-year-old Maya, “and there is a strong desire, similar to hunger or thirst, as if I want to dissolve in these sounds or become part of this landscape. «.
What do desires that cannot be realized speak of? Like longing for something unattainable, unearthly love, personal perfection, or a place where it would be good?
“From the Jungian point of view, all fantasies imbued with such powerful experiences go back to the dream of wholeness and harmony,” notes Lev Khegay. “These dreams give movement and meaning to life.”
At times like these, we are especially clear that we are more than the sum of the parts: more than our mortgages and jobs, more than vacation plans and renovations. Maybe we don’t really know what we crave. But striving for something high and unattainable matters, if only because on this path we become better, more interesting, deeper.