Happiness: A Short Course in Programming

Market rules are universal. In cold days, the demand for space heaters rises; in an election year, for fresh political ideas. And in times of crisis and uncertainty about the future, the demand for happiness grows. To be convinced of this, it is enough to take a look at the shelves of bookstores and read advertisements for trainings and personal growth courses. Hedonistic and Buddhist happiness, bodily joy and peace of mind, strict happiness for ascetics and stormy happiness for lovers of positive thinking… The path to happiness is open to everyone. But does it always lead to the goal?

Positive Recipes

To become happier, it is not necessary to go to classes and study manuals. For example, English-speaking iPhone and iPad users can download the Live Happy app for 99 cents, which advises what and how to do to be happy throughout the day. The program is based on the book The How of Happiness by positive psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky*. The model of the “pie of happiness” proposed by her finds more and more confirmations. We are talking about the factors that determine the subjective feeling of well-being in each of us. Sonya Lubomirsky divided them into three groups. The first included external conditions – from climate and social environment to financial prosperity. The second was the stable characteristics of the personality, that is, the hereditary tendency to initially perceive any event in a positive or negative way. The third group is the results of our choices, actions, goals that we set, and relationships that we establish with other people. So, the first determine our happiness by only 10%, the second – by 50%, and the third – by 40%. In other words, almost half of our happiness depends on us. And our task is to find the right recipe for these 40% of the “pie.” The recipes, oddly enough, are very simple. “If I think about positive feelings and reproduce them, then there are more purely mathematically positive things in my life,” says psychologist Dmitry Leontiev. “It really shifts the balance, and it can really be learned. For example, one of the effective techniques is to give thanks. Think of someone who did something good for you. Meet with him or write a letter to once again (or for the first time) express your gratitude. Take time to think about who and what you can be grateful for. There is nothing artificial in this: you can always find sources of positive experiences in your own life.” No less important is the assessment of current events. In one of Sonia Lubomirski’s studies, people who considered themselves rather happy (group one) and rather unhappy (group two) made lists of important events in their lives. Then these lists were evaluated by independent experts, and it turned out that both groups were talking about the same events. This means that happiness or unhappiness does not depend on what happens, but on our assessments.

Let’s agree: the temptation is great to simply evaluate everything that happens positively – in other words, tell yourself beautiful stories. This is exactly what many authors of books and trainings on achieving happiness recommend. “Our brain is wired to give meaning to everything that surrounds us, we spend our whole lives interpreting facts,” writes psychologist Yves-Alexandre Thalman. – These interpretations, positive or negative, generate emotions of the same tone. We need to use the freedom of choice we’ve been given to learn how to make sauce for raw facts. Facts are stubborn things, they do not give in to our desires and remain as they are, even if we do not like it, but their meaning is not contained in themselves. It is the result of the story we tell ourselves. So all that remains is to tie the facts together with plausible but favorable explanations!”** The story is indeed beautiful. Did the boss look at us askance? So he just didn’t get enough sleep today! Broke up with your loved one? So, real, great love is still waiting for us ahead! Got fired? Here it is, the long-awaited chance to start a new life! That, it seems, is all – happiness has been achieved … Or not?

No break from reality

Some strange kind of happiness is obtained. Wrong, like the wrong honey, discovered at one time by a prominent researcher of pleasures, Winnie the Pooh. After all, following the logic of replacing reality with its interpretations, in no time you can get to the chemical recipes for happiness … “Today’s universal pursuit of happiness brings us back to the infantile illusion of omnipotence,” says psychoanalyst Lola Komarova. Every child has a desire for pleasure. And the easiest way to get it is illusions, all children start with them. When a baby needs something, he gets what he wants. After all, for the mother, he is the center of the universe and imagines that he can do everything. But the greater its real possibilities, the less becomes the feeling of omnipotence. Fantasies are being replaced, albeit small, but real achievements. However, today our world is becoming more and more illusory. And the general pursuit of exclusively positive experiences is one of the illusions. The extreme manifestation of such a pursuit is just drugs. Accepted and happy! But at what cost?

Those who teach us to be happy by “programming” ourselves exclusively for positive seem to lose sight of … real life. Isn’t this, by the way, the reason for the popularity of computer games and other ways of virtual leisure? Happiness in isolation from reality is really easy to achieve. But this is dangerous. Perhaps, having noticed the displeasure of the boss, you should not tell yourself fairy tales about his lack of sleep? And if he is not very satisfied with our work? Then it would be nice to take their duties more seriously – well, or directly explain that he requires the impossible. We are quite capable of both – if, of course, we have not yet begun to compose the next fairy tale: about a new job and new opportunities.

“Psychoanalysis helps to cope with the emotions caused by a difficult situation, and therefore makes us stronger,” continues Lola Komarova. – In this it differs from the common logic of achieving happiness, according to which nothing should cause negative emotions. Fear of them is generally one of the characteristic features of modern culture: if it is impossible to avoid them in reality, then let’s figure out how to fence off them more reliably. Behind all this is a huge anxiety that we may not be able to cope with the difficulties of life, comprehend them, understand, survive – so it’s better not to feel at all. But is it possible, running from difficulties, to live a truly happy life? I am not sure about this”.

The fullness of experiences is impossible without suffering, Dmitry Leontiev agrees. “But when we have low self-esteem, it ties our hands. We lack the strength to act, to find ways to overcome obstacles. For those who perceive themselves rather positively, their consciousness is more liberated, it is easier for them to find creative, non-standard solutions. If we do not feel compelled to constantly submit to the pressure of circumstances, then, if necessary, we will soon find a way to successfully resist them. This is our internal point of support in the fight against the inevitable troubles of life.

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Fill with meaning

Well, let’s put the rose-colored glasses aside. And instead of adjusting the picture of the world to our understanding of happiness, let’s think about what makes us feel this happiness. An evening with a loved one, professional success, music, books, food or landscapes … Yes, of course, although in each of these cases the word “happiness” can easily be replaced by the word “pleasure”. But isn’t it the same thing? “My definition of happiness is that it is a general feeling of pleasure filled with meaning,” writes positive psychologist and philosopher Tal Ben-Shahar***. A happy person feels joy because he lives. Despite all the sorrows, trials and vicissitudes, he experiences positive emotions, discovering the meaning of his existence, and at the most everyday level. We have a need to experience relationships that inspire and nourish us, to bring some creativity into even simple actions, to devote time to activities that allow us to express ourselves. Satisfying this need brings happiness. “The pursuit of happiness, not based on possession, creates a game in which everyone can win,” says Tal Ben-Shahar. “I am sure that if this way of thinking, which leads to happiness, suddenly spread, it would cause a bloodless revolution.”

“One of the myths says that money brings happiness: the higher our well-being, the happier we are,” comments Dmitry Leontiev. “But when the basic needs are satisfied, happiness can only be found through meaning, only by investing oneself in some kind of activity, in relationships. Unfortunately, we think that if earning money brought us joy up to a certain point, then it will continue to be so. Understanding that this is an illusion drives downshifters: realizing the inadequacy of the efforts made and their results, they leave the path that leads to success and money, but leads away from happiness. “We feel that many of our activities do not bring joy, don’t make us happy. But, having abandoned the usual way of life, we often do not know where to go for happiness. “It is strange to consider happiness as a goal,” says Lola Komarova. “Rather, I’d rather talk about it as a… bonus, a by-product. Exactly! From a job well done; from the fact that we understood something complex and important; that they were able to bring joy to others with their attitude, their actions – from all this happiness arises. Elusive, changeable, always unexpected and always new. Not the happiness of “having” and not even the happiness of “being”, but the happiness of being yourself and being with others…

* S. Lyubomirsky “The How of Happiness” (Penguin Books, 2007).** Y.-A. Thalman “Happy people don’t worry about whether it’s true…they tell beautiful stories” (Albin Michel, 2010).*** Т. Бен-Шахар “Научиться быть счастливым” (Попурри, 2009).