Gwyneth Paltrow: «I started living in the present»

A narrow, chiselled face, ocean-colored eyes. Yes, just like the water in the ocean — exceptional transparency. Thin skin. Wavy hair. Purity, clarity of lines, sophistication of curves. Gwyneth Paltrow is beautiful. The hotel is cold, but she seems to exude warmth. The Victorian interior is heavy and gloomy, and she radiates light, peace and goodwill…

«Stop! I say to myself. “Think about it: why should she be worried?” Indeed, what can take away this woman’s calmness? Her godfather was Steven Spielberg, her lovers were Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. She speaks three languages, her figure is a fashion designer’s dream. Her fees reached 10 million. In recent years, she has added the roles of wife and mother to the list of her triumphant roles. Vegetarian. Faithful to her ultra-healthy macrobiotic diet. Every morning for two hours she perfects the most difficult yoga poses … And what feelings does she evoke? Delight? Rather envy!

But I remember her heroines: touching, vulnerable — from «Seven», amorous and deceived — from «Perfect Murder», unable to come to terms with the death of her beloved father — from «Proof». There is a hidden reserve of tragedy in this woman. No, not the tragedy of attitude, but it is clearly realistic. She grew up in the greenhouse conditions of a successful and loving family, but she knows for sure that life is not an easy thing. Gwyneth Paltrow may look like a princess who jumped off a pea, but in fact she is a tenacious soldier. And not pewter at all.

Psychologies: You interrupted your acting career for more than two years: you were engaged in the birth and upbringing of children, family …

Gwyneth Paltrow: … and laundry, and diapers, and cooking — I don’t get lost in the kitchen. Yes, I have been taking care of my family for a long time — in detail and with pleasure.

Demanded actresses usually do not dare to retire for such a long time — for fear that they will be forgotten. You weren’t afraid. Is it because such constant luck as yours is capable of spoiling a person?

GP: No, you’re wrong. You know, in recent years I often had one dream. I find myself in a beautiful beach house, in a bungalow, somewhere on the California coast. There was clearly a party going on in it: captured wine glasses all over the place, some with leftovers of wine. Suddenly the house starts to move and floats on some kind of river. And I don’t know how to get out of it. A strange dream — it seems to be nothing terrible, but somehow creepy. I must have lived in an unstable house. And the fun has long ended in it … By the age of 30, I played two dozen roles, gained popularity, my fees increased. At 26 I was awarded an Oscar — I reached the peak in my career, to which other people go all their lives. But — and this is a very significant «but» — I rammed my whole life at the age of 10, I lived too much in these years. The intensity, the eventfulness completely worn me out emotionally. A person can go to the top with a gentle ascent, a long, measured step, or he can climb. I had to develop speed and run up almost a sheer wall. I was tired from the rise and could not seriously evaluate my successes. As a result, everything related to cinema ceased to have any meaning for me personally. It wasn’t real. I did not have a feeling of being spoiled by luck, on the contrary, there was a feeling of emptiness. I wasn’t happy. I wanted reality. Reality was where there was not a movie, but only me, my life, those who are dear to me: husband, dad, mom, brother, my unborn children. And I left the unreal without hesitation.

Do you think early success is bad?

GP: For me, it’s definitely bad. Unhealthy. I was tired of myself: all my life I concentrated on myself, it was time to concentrate on someone else.

Was it not the result of an unconscious achievement program? When you reach the top, you reach the void — there is nowhere to climb further.

GP: It is possible that the disease of our time is to see the meaning of life in the ascent to success. This is especially felt in America, which is why I live mostly in London: here people talk about really interesting things at dinner, and not about money and work: oh, I’m not at the top yet, oh, I haven’t made all the money yet ! But this is not about me and never about me. After all, I have always been more or less prosperous. My parents were very devoted to each other and loved me and my brother. I didn’t aim for any sky-high achievements. But life has drawn me into a maelstrom of terrible intensity. I stopped being the master of my own destiny. And at some point I said to myself: now that’s enough. Now I live my life.

When your first child was born, you gave up even the idea of ​​taking a babysitter. To live your life on your own?

GP: Probably, I do not really trust people: after all, they have the right to weaknesses, inattention, mistakes. And I could not imagine that a stranger would make a mistake in relation to my girl. Perhaps this is selfishness. But I did not want to share Apple with anyone, except perhaps with Chris (Chris Martin, Paltrow’s husband. — Approx. ed.). And then: me, mom, Chris — everyone fussed around her. And then another person … Too much attention, in my opinion. Why in a child from infancy bring up the feeling that he is the center of the universe?

But, giving her such an amazing name — Apple, Apple — didn’t you try to emphasize her uniqueness, exclusivity?

GP: Firstly, there are female names-months — April, there are names-flowers — Rose, Lily. I don’t see anything particularly exotic in the name-fruit. Secondly, her father gave her the name. And it seemed to me … right: an apple is something fresh, juicy, ruddy. And she is. Probably, like all children … But it is she who is our little apple! Besides, I was sure that Chris would name her more accurately. After all, even now no one spends more time with her than he does, no one laughs with her like that. She is definitely a daddy’s girl. What has its advantages. I myself was like that. And now it is.

How does it feel from the inside to be a daddy’s girl?

GP: Now for me it means not finding any way to come to terms with his death. Accept his death as part of your life. I can’t do everything. Dad’s death is one of the main events of my life, as huge and important as the birth of children. If not more. In any case, this is the most terrible thing that has happened to me: his dying — cancer — and the departure itself. My brother then literally kicked me out to shoot Sylvia, he said: “You need to do something, otherwise you will be hanging around the house like a zombie.” And I was like a zombie … I canceled the wedding. After all, it was supposed that dad would lead me to the altar, and since he was gone … Chris and I did not have a wedding, we just left together in Santa Barbara. I refused to pretend that after the death of my father I could live as before and as planned.

Have you been unable to cope with the loss?

GP: Is this even possible? You can’t handle it, you can’t. My dad and I seven years ago, shortly before his death, made the film «Duets» together, he was the director, I played in it. Now I think: how lucky I am that I have so many videos with my dad — materials on the film, filming moments, his TV interviews … Sometimes I watch these recordings. And I always cry. But it’s great that my children — they were born after his death — will be able to see him, hear his voice, feel what he was like. But there’s one more thing about his death that depresses me: I feel like I’m part of… a statistic. I am experiencing his death … like everyone who lost their parents when they still needed them so much. And I want to experience it alone, as exceptionally as he was exceptional.

Was your father’s death your first major loss?

GP: I broke up with people. And with those whom I loved very much. When we broke up with Brad Pitt, I had the feeling that a part of me left with him. But this love… is replaceable. There is no substitute for daddy’s love. In its place is emptiness, gaping forever.

How big was his role in your life?

GP: Huge: he was my main adviser, I could entrust him with all my secrets. He never judged me, but he always guided me. Never pressured and always understood. He was something like a good spirit, a guardian angel. I always felt his support, I always heard his “Don’t be afraid, I’ll tell you when you make a mistake.” Thanks to my dad, I had a sense of security, safety. There was such a special warmth in him, especially for children, for Jake and me (Jake Paltrow, Gwyneth’s younger brother. — Approx. ed.), for children in general — Jewish warmth, but dad came from an ancient Jewish family of Paltrovichs, in him all men were rabbis for five hundred years, they lived in Poland, in Krakow, then in Russia, in Nizhny Novgorod. Among his ancestors is the famous Rabbi David Ha Levi Segal. And in the father there was always something from a real priest — warmth and humility, he accepted people as they are. And when you are nine and your father makes you understand that you are the best in the world, you think: “Well, then you can not be afraid.” Now that’s what makes me suffer — that I was so happy! But, I must say, in our family everyone understood each other. My brother and I grew up, as it were, inside parental work. Often the films in which my mother starred were made near our house. My brother and I would go straight to the set after school. The actors treated us as equals, and it’s an amazing feeling. And then, I was «Miss Danner’s daughter», which meant: a wonderful actress, a star. Mom has always been what is now called a “role model” for me. She does not manipulate anyone and achieves everything. Probably because it does not build relationships with people, but grows …

How do you feel about the fact that many consider you, as they say, thieves? Famous family, connections, acquaintances …

GP: Do you think this is the key to happiness? It was just the rejection of the “luggage” that brought me happiness …

Yes, your leaving «in the family» is a decisive step. Sometimes decisiveness is the flip side of conflict. You look like a non-confrontational person …

GP: Yes, I’m not conflicted at all. And not by nature — this property was developed back in school. I studied in New York, in Manhattan, at Spence, a private school for girls. And what are girls in high school, isolated from male society? Sometimes a genuine terrarium. But then I understood, no, rather, I felt: in order not to turn your life into hell, you must learn, if not to forgive, then at least to forget. What happened, it’s gone, gone. It seems ridiculous that I made such a global conclusion from a couple of girlish nasty things … but I did. The system is still working. And it helps me a lot in life.

They say that when you come to Los Angeles, you stay at the house of your ex-boyfriend Ben Affleck. Is this also a consequence of your lack of conflict?

GP: It always seemed to me that in relations between people, not scandals and claims are bad. No. It is bad when a partner does not allow you to express your feelings — both love and irritation. I broke up for this reason. If you have a serious relationship, then there is contact, dialogue. For example, sex for me is one of the types of dialogue, an adequate way to express certain feelings. Relationships end when dialogue ends, but it’s important to maintain at least some sort of contact. Ben and I succeeded. That’s why we can stay at each other’s: I’m with him in Los Angeles, he’s with us in London. Now we are almost like brother and sister.

Has having children changed your value system?

GP: It changed absolutely everything. A child is an absolute given, he is simply present in your life and defines it by this alone. He lives in the present, and I live with him. Only the present is known, and therefore important.

But the future is still a little known: you are returning to the cinema.

GP: Yes. Because there is a part of me that is now hungry too. The actress in me needs to be fed. I want to play in the theater, act in serious films. Ride the subway like everyone else.

This is unlikely, because you are so popular and recognizable!

GP: Nothing like that — I ride the subway. I put on my hat and go. And who is looking at whom in the subway? I have an average British appearance — who am I interested in …

Me at least. I will look out for you in the crowd.

GP: Yes, I’ll spot you first!

See you on the subway then!

Private bussiness

• 1972: September 27 Born in Los Angeles in the family of director Bruce Paltrow and actress Blythe Danner (three years later, her brother Jake, now a film director, was born).
• 1989: Lives in Spain with an ordinary family, learning Spanish, which he now speaks fluently.
• 1990: Graduates from Spence Private School for Girls in New York; debuts in a duet with her mother in the play «Picnic», staged as part of the theater festival in Williamstown.
• 1991: Visits the Department of Art History at the University of California (Los Angeles); He makes his feature film debut in Jeffrey Hornaday’s Scream. Captain Hook by Steven Spielberg.
• 1993: Begins a serious relationship with actor Brad Pitt.
• 1995: «Seven» by David Fincher.
• 1996: Engaged to Brad Pitt becomes the face of the Calvin Klein design brand; «Emma» by Douglas McGrath.
• 1997: Breaks up with Brad Pitt.
• 1998: Shakespeare in Love by John Madden «Beware the Doors Are Closing» by Peter Howitt; «Perfect Murder» by Andrew Davies; dating actor Ben Affleck.
• 1999: «Oscar» and «Golden Globe» for his role in «Shakespeare in Love»; «The Talented Mr. Ripley» by Anthony Minghella; breaks up with Ben Affleck.
• 2001: «Royal Tennenbaums» by Wes Anderson; «Love is Evil» by the Farrelly brothers.
• 2002: Meets her future husband Chris Martin, rock musician and frontman of the British band Coldplay, at his concert.
• 2003: Marries Chris Martin.
• 2004: Birth of daughter Apple; buys a house from fellow actress Kate Winslet in London’s Belsize Park; «Sky Captain» by Carrie Conran.
• 2005: «Proof» by John Madden; debuts as a writer/director with the 10-minute short Dealbreaker (co-written with fellow actress Mary Wigmore).
• 2006: Birth of son Moses.
• 2007: «Goodnight» by Jake Paltrow; shooting in the adventure film «Iron Man» by Jon Favreau.