«Guilty» of our time

Maria is 36 years old, she is the CEO of a PR agency. Divorced, mother of two. “It seems to me that I am a mother only from time to time: the nanny sees them more often than me. How to be? If I work less, we will have financial problems.”

What’s the problem?

“Single mothers often suffer from an overabundance of responsibility, at the slightest difficulty they feel tension, which turns into guilt,” explains psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “A woman’s guilt can also arise due to the fact that her children grow up without seeing the image of a classic married couple in front of them.” Women are also dominated by the contradiction between the popular notion of a “good mother” who should devote herself to the family, and the opinion that only the symbiosis of family and work is an essential condition for wealth and success. They find themselves in a very precarious position, torn between public and family duty.

How to proceed?

“Instead of yearning for the ideal, do not miss real opportunities to communicate with children,” advises Svetlana Krivtsova. — Do not waste time on reproaches addressed to you, but give the saved energy to the children. Do not deprive yourself of the cheerfulness that is so important to the child: it is obvious that he needs a constantly present, but guilty mother less than a happy, albeit not so much at home.

Learn to make changes in your life: try to simplify life by entrusting household chores to a helper, arrange mutual support with other mothers … “It is important not to confuse the completely natural feeling of sadness with children) and a destructive sense of guilt that prevents us from acting constructively,” Svetlana Krivtsova is sure.

Andrei is 39 years old. After the divorce, he meets with his 8-year-old son on Sundays, two to three times a month. “We see each other so rarely that I try to arrange a holiday for him every time. But more and more often it seems to me that for my son I am more of a friend with whom you can have a good weekend. And if one day I need to be strict, he will not be able to accept me as a father.

What’s the problem?

“Temporary (partial) fatherhood is the fate of most men in our country, and not only divorced ones,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “In Russia, it’s generally difficult to be a man, a husband, a father: a Russian woman is a very strong figure, often she involuntarily suppresses her husband and becomes both mom and dad for a child (especially a boy). Many men get used to this and stop striving to be an unconditional authority for the child. Guilt often arises when a man realizes that he has lost power and / or spoiled the child too much. Add to this a lack of self-confidence, psychological immaturity, fear of losing the love of a child … It is for these reasons that some men choose the role of «Sunday dad». And then they don’t know how to change the situation.

How to proceed?

Define the limits of your responsibility. Proceed not from momentary needs, but from what is necessary for the harmonious development of the child over time. Determine the form of communication. “There are different models of interaction with children,” says Alexander Orlov. “In one of them, the father is an educator, teacher, mentor, in the other, a friend, senior comrade.” It is necessary to choose one relationship model: a friend cannot become a caregiver from time to time.

Anna is 30 years old, her height is 1 m 68 cm, weight 55 kg, she maintains her wonderful shape with some effort: “I eat only carbohydrate-free foods, constantly count calories … But sometimes I can’t help myself and eat ice cream or a sweet bun. But this does not give me pure pleasure: I know that later I will scold myself for it and limit it even more.

What’s the problem?

“Food has become almost the main reason why most of us suffer from a guilt complex,” says French psychotherapist Gerard Apfeldorfer. — What and how much we eat — it no longer depends on our needs: the feeling of hunger, the feeling of satiety or pleasure. Increasingly, this process is influenced by dietary stereotypes imposed by fashion and society.” But it is impossible to keep the proportions of photo models (that is, to comply with modern trends) and remain indifferent to the abundance of products. This is why so many of us feel guilty when we… just eat. It is possible that soon no one will dare to swallow a piece of fried potatoes without apologizing!

How to proceed?

It is necessary to learn again how to eat based on internal needs: to listen to your appetite, to the sensations of satiety and hunger, to your tastes … Our task is to return to the physiological attitude to food, moving away from the emotional one. “Being prisoners of our emotions, some of us eat under the influence of anxiety, rage or fear and are not aware of this,” says Gerard Apfeldorfer. — But as soon as emotions subside, a person realizes that he ate in vain, and feels guilty. Exit? Learn to release emotions in other ways (sports, entertainment…) and let food become a moment of sensual pleasure for you.”

Like 10 years ago, 28-year-old Maxim works as a manager in a small company, lives with his parents and does not feel like changing anything in his life. “I understand that being in the same state as at 18 is unnatural. And that one should be more ambitious. I often think about this, and my parents do not get tired of reminding me of the same … But the years go by, and everything remains the same.

What’s the problem?

“The childhood of young people approaching their 30th birthday fell on the late 80s — early 90s, a time of change. Confusion, disappointment, helplessness, which they saw in their parents, became a real psychological trauma for some of them, — suggests Svetlana Krivtsova. — The senselessness of an active own position — that’s what young people learned from this experience: «In our country there is no point in straining, you will still lose.» Times have changed, but the unconscious childlike attitudes of some have remained particularly enduring. Most young people do not want to follow the path of their parents. But to allow oneself to live as one lives is to oppose a society aimed primarily at achievement. Hence the feeling of guilt for doing nothing, and the longer it lasts, the stronger the desire to act is suppressed. As a result, there is a spleen, a breakdown, depression.

How to proceed?

Use your passivity to your advantage. “While there is time, figure out why you are doing what you are doing now, think about what you would like to devote your life to if you had no restrictions in choice,” recommends Svetlana Krivtsova. — The main thing is not to raise the bar, rely on reality, and not on the ideal image of yourself. You can also try to reconstruct what you once liked, to remember what gave you pleasure. In the end, even small changes in everyday life will help to sort out the situation: plan a week, outline specific, achievable tasks. This will give you a taste for gradually moving forward at your own pace.

Ekaterina and Roman are 33 years old. Together with their seven-year-old son Sasha, they came to a family therapist: “He only does what he wants! parents complain. “And we don’t know how to behave with him: be gentle, understanding, or tough to demand obedience.” And both are sure that they are missing something important in his upbringing.

What’s the problem?

Raising a child is never easy: we constantly balance between the need to define the boundaries of what is permitted and give children the freedom that is important for their development. We try to develop the child’s abilities and at the same time we must protect his fragile psyche from overload … We feel insecure, blame ourselves and constantly doubt. “And we spontaneously react to the uncomfortable behavior of children in the same way as our parents once did,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “But at the same time we remember our childhood feelings: pain, resentment, fear, disappointment.

As a result, a conflict arises: we understand that it is impossible to communicate in this way (shouting, humiliating, spanking …), but every time we automatically do exactly this, since this deep model of parental behavior spontaneously manifests itself in us. Realizing what is happening, we feel guilty before the child, but when he again behaves unacceptably, everything repeats. There is another reason for guilt: many couples plan ahead for the birth of children, and therefore feel indebted to them and blame themselves for everything that happens to them.

How to proceed?

Agree with all adult family members about the obligatory observance of several rules. In an accessible form, explain to the child why they must be performed and what punishment may follow. Rules and restrictions teach children to restrain their impulses and respect other people, while sanctions encourage deliberate obedience. “You can also try another way of communicating with children, based on trust: give up the role of a teacher, a captain, go towards the child, his requests and needs,” suggests Alexander Orlov. Trust yourself: you really know best what your child needs.

Ivan is 46 years old, he works hard and constantly blames himself for paying little attention to his elderly father. “Constant business trips and a small apartment — is this an argument when it comes to your own parents? Of course, I hired a nurse, I pay for the treatment, I try to visit him more often, but it is unrealistic to transport my father to me. I live with the feeling that I abandoned him, and I keep thinking about what I could do more for him … «

What’s the problem?

Even if we realize that we have neither the time nor the opportunity to take care of a father or mother personally, we continue to blame ourselves for leaving this task to a third party. “Today, the age-old tradition of living together with parents (including the elderly) has been interrupted,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. — And unconsciously it can be experienced as a betrayal in relation to one’s past. As a result, we feel like an ‘ungrateful’ son or daughter.» French family psychoanalyst Robert Neuburger observes that the issue of guilt is most acute for those for whom their parents treated with the least care. Paradox? “Not at all,” he replies, “by doing what they should, they are waiting for gratitude, confirmation of love from their father or mother. Other children who have already known this have no reason to be tormented by doubts.

How to proceed?

When parents become dependent on their children, there is an exchange of roles on the material plane, but this exchange should not affect the level of relationships. Respecting the roles of parent/child is, for example, not participating in the hygiene procedures of the father or mother. In this sense, the help of a professional should be seen more as a sign of respect than as an evasion of family responsibilities. Moreover, children who live permanently with elderly parents do not spend much more time with them: among other things, they have to do housework, as a result, the mother or father may get the impression that they are not paid attention at all. “Let there be fewer meetings, but you need to make sure that during each visit you really spend time together, without being distracted by anything,” Svetlana Krivtsova insists. “So that you can listen to your parent, so that he knows: this time belongs entirely to him.”