To a kid from 3 to 5-6 years old, adults seem to be omnipotent, omniscient beings — well, just wizards. And the child is ready to jump out of his own skin, only to reach out to them (that is, to his parents) and become just as omnipotent and independent. (Pay attention: you play checkers, a ball, etc., the child lost — he does not want to be a loser! — this is an echo of that very desire: to reach out to an adult, to become like an adult, to be equal with him).
An enterprising child makes plans, sets goals and strives hard to achieve them. And then he discovers that a «social taboo» has been imposed on many of his desires. You can’t, for example, marry your own mother, you can’t squeal and frolic when you ride in a trolleybus. The child knows that much of what he wants, parents will not approve. He is ready to go against the grain, but self-observation and self-control, which are only beginning to form at this age, are now forcing him to restrain himself.
But (that’s the trouble!) Desires remain in the depths of the soul! And this discord “I know it’s bad, but I still want it” makes the child feel guilty.
“What nonsense,” you say, “to have a desire and to fulfill a desire are not the same at all.” Yes, this is true, but only from our adult point of view. But children have their own logic, in many respects different from ours. For them, «feel» and «do» are very closely merged, they are almost the same thing.
In addition, while children are often unable to resist what they want. And — violate our prohibitions. If the parents shame the child for leprosy, he again feels guilty. And if they reprimand and shame very often, then the feeling of guilt firmly settles in his soul.
Many of our adult complexes and oddities come from there.
Guilt and its consequences
More than anything, Nina loved dumplings. But not everyone, but those that her mother sculpted. Mom was a native Siberian, and her dumplings were just amazing. Nina also loved the manufacturing process itself — and for two things at once: for cutting dough out of a huge cake with a glass and putting minced meat on a round cake with a dessert spoon, and for the fact that it was a fun, long and tasty business. And mom was cheerful and ruddy and a little stained with flour, and dad and Nina helped and got dirty, and slowly bit off the dough, and everyone laughed and told her: “Be patient!” Dumplings were made for a long time — all day, and only on special occasions. Today was just like that: a miner’s day. And daddy’s miner friends and their miner’s wives were supposed to come for dumplings.
In the evening, everything was ready for the meeting of the guests: the table was set, the plates-cups were put out, and the famous dumplings, portion after portion, were flopped into a large saucepan. Then my mother caught them with a huge spoon, put them in a huge dish and, closing the lid, wrapped them up so that they would not cool down. Then mom and dad went to meet the guests, and Nina stayed in the kitchen — closer to the dumplings. She moved her nose, smelling her favorite aroma, looked through the crack (where are the guests, what if the dumplings get cold?) And waited. She sat and patiently waited, but the guests still did not come, and it was good to hear how on the street, under the window, mum and dad were whispering cheerfully about something.
Nina unwrapped the twist — just like that — and began to sniff further. Then she moved the lid — a little, then lifted it, sat, thought and ate one dumpling. She, of course, knew that it was uncultured to eat one … but … in general, then she ate another, a third … then (after all, the tastiest dumplings are in the middle!) She began to undress them. Carefully, like a pearl diver, she opened a sea shell and, having fished out the filling, blew for a long time, then swallowed it, and carefully sent the flour flaps back into the bowl. Then a cat approached Ninochka — a public, yard cat. Nina thought that this was a guest, and guests should be treated. So they sat and ate until all the whole dumplings ran out. Nina very carefully covered the bowl, and just then her parents returned with a noisy gang of guests.
“I won’t leave the kitchen for anything,” thought Nina and pressed herself into a stool.
One could hear the guests seated around the table, chirping merrily. Mom came, picked up a dumpling dish: “Ninochka, why aren’t you coming to us?” she asked and left the room. There they began to chatter even louder, clapped their hands: “Oh, dumplings! dumplings!» The smiling mother took off the lid and… picked up someone’s plate and put the first «peel» into it. «What is it?» she asked quietly.
Then it suddenly became quiet … Then Nina was called to the table …
She vaguely remembered what happened next. They say that the guests were dying of laughter, and dad shook his finger at her, and mom blushed and was silent, and Nina, looking at her, was about to roar, but for some reason did not roar.
In general, she nodded her head and promised never, never again …
And you know what’s interesting: she kept her word.
Almost half a century has passed since then. But I still don’t touch dumplings: I can’t stand them.
Who is guilty? Parents? Perhaps no one is to blame. It’s just that there was a mistake that (owing to ignorance) was not corrected in time, and that left a trace, like u.e.c. They didn’t think, didn’t think of it — and provoked the child into petty hooliganism. Young children have little control over themselves, and “I want” often outweighs moral standards. There was no need to leave a full plate in plain sight, under the baby’s nose. How not to leave money, matches, sharp and breakable objects, valuable trinkets and other temptations in sight, especially when friends come to visit your child. And not because they are bad, but because they are still small.
What to do with a child who did not keep within the limits of decency (which you set for him) and now feels guilty? Of course, try to get rid of guilt. Guilt is a destructive emotion, and the children, instinctively feeling this, try to get rid of it. And they have very unsympathetic ways.
1 way. Repentance. Tears and repentance do not always help.
2 way. Self-punishment. “Guilt” is so uncomfortable that the child is looking for how to punish himself and thereby atone for guilt. He literally gets into trouble. Can fall, hit hard, fight. He behaves defiantly, does everything in defiance. He provokes his parents to punish him. As if he said to himself: “Am I bad? If you think so, then I will be bad. If you do, then we’ll see.»
Children who feel guilty behave worse than usual.
3 way. Forwarding. In his mistakes, the child begins to blame not himself, but the other. And he does it quite sincerely, because he himself believes in it!
“I could not sleep in the garden. The boys bothered me. They chatted among themselves and between me!” — said Lenya when the teacher complained about his hooligan behavior during a quiet hour.
That is why children so often make excuses and prove «I’m not to blame, she herself …». And this is not a reason to blame them, this is an occasion to think about their parents.
If now the child often finds himself “guilty”, then over time the “guilt” takes root. He gets used to blaming himself, other people or circumstances. He loses self-confidence and turns into a non-initiative person. At the same time (outwardly), he may seem violent, active and noisy, but, when faced with difficulties, he will not take risks, he will not take a step, but will hide or retreat: “no matter how something happens ….”. A person without initiative achieves little in life, but he gets used to directing all his strength in search of someone to blame.
What to do if «dumplings were still stolen»:
— Do not shame, causing a feeling of guilt.
— Clearly and distinctly tell the child what he did wrong and why you are unhappy.
— Always give the opportunity to correct a bad deed!
— Show and suggest how it can be done.
— From now on, do not provoke the child, remembering his age characteristics (no need to invite a bunch of kids into a room with an expensive service or leave access to mom’s cosmetics).
— Check (analyze) your actions. Are you forbidding too much? Are you depriving your child of initiative?
— Remember that children cannot sit still and be bored.
Give a lesson, suggest an idea, organize… well, keep busy. (By the way, the main thing for preschool children is to play, so they master the world and get used to it themselves. Create conditions and play with them.)
From guilt to responsibility — advice to parents
We often confuse responsibility with obedience, accuracy, and the success of our child in the public arena. But responsibility is something else. See →