Guilt: defense or attack

A mother clutching her heart, a sharply haggard face of her father, a ringing silence that hung after the spoken words, a chill on the back and a heaviness that fell on the shoulders … I think many are familiar with the situation and the feeling that inevitably arises when something like this happens. Guilt.

And it doesn’t even matter what exactly you did: broke your dad’s favorite cup, decided to go to study in another city, or got married without parental approval – your desire to live your own life and do what you want suddenly begins to seem something shameful and unacceptable. All this is like a vicious circle: experiencing guilt, living it through the sensations in the body, we continue to attract similar cases, confirming over and over again that we are all to blame.

Guilt can become the basis for many psychosomatic diseases. Those whom she gnaws from the inside often experience problems with the gastrointestinal tract, as if they “eat” themselves. A heavy load of guilt often leads to back problems. The emotional load is just as palpable for our body as the physical one.

Guilt is often confused with shame, annoyance, and even depression. Indeed, they are closely intertwined, but there is still some difference. A healthy sense of guilt helps us understand that we made a mistake, offended someone or did something wrong: we didn’t protect the weak, let down or even betrayed someone. This is true guilt, and it is normal to experience this feeling from time to time.

Such a sense of guilt is born inside as a result of violation of personal commandments. This is our interpretation of events, based on the settings that are firmly seated in us – flags that help to distinguish between what is good and what is bad. We need this feeling, it sets guidelines: what you need to be in order not to experience it. Sigmund Freud generally considered guilt the basis of morality.

But there is another kind of guilt, neurotic, when we seem to have done nothing wrong. We have long been adults, independent – so why is it so painful and insulting? Yes, because through this feeling they are trying to manipulate us. The goal is to make us feel that we are doing something terrible and our life and all the potential (time, energy, money) is the property of another person, and we will spend it all as he sees fit.

Such guilt is inspired by others, from the outside, and is closely related to the feeling of shame. It is always a shame in front of someone: in front of the party, comrades, classmates, parents, spouses. Such a feeling is built on the basis of self-doubt and becomes a convenient means of manipulation.

And this is how they shift responsibility onto us: we were taught that we are responsible for someone else’s behavior, life, happiness. We all owe it to children, spouses, parents. “If there are no guilty, they are appointed.” This phrase is attributed to General Lebed. There is truth in military humor. If we were “appointed”, then it is beneficial to someone.

When someone in our environment tries to make us feel guilty or seeks to constantly maintain it, this is manipulation. So it’s beneficial for him. What about us? What is our benefit? After all, she also exists.

What is the benefit of blaming ourselves and punishing ourselves? Maybe we do it so that we won’t be punished by others? So that they can see how much we are going through and get behind us? Yes, this feeling can be a defense against others. We sometimes learn this script in childhood to protect ourselves from our parents. The child learns to portray repentance so that adults “saw” less. And this is exclusively a childish position.

Often the benefit is not to take responsibility for what is happening. This means that we are in the role of a victim, and we need to work with this scenario. By accepting guilt, we choose self-punishment. Basically, it’s an attack on yourself. But since we punish ourselves on our own, we can also remove this punishment ourselves.

What to do? If we really did something bad, offended someone, ask for forgiveness. Ask how you can make amends for this guilt. Do everything to correct the situation. But to turn off this feeling, you need to understand what turns it on. Whose words, beliefs, actions?

You can write yourself a letter. List in it why we are to blame, before whom specifically. This will help to find not only settings that support this feeling, but also ways to solve it. For example, “I am a bad mother because I don’t give my child enough time.” What is a good mother? What she does? And what can I do? To be with your child in the evening, to talk, to do something together, to cook your favorite dish, to go somewhere on the weekend?

Feelings of guilt are afraid of specific actions, which means that the more detailed the possible options are, the greater the choice will be. It is important to understand what to do next and what not to do. But what you definitely don’t need to do is try to drown it out with all sorts of “-isms”: shopaholism, alcoholism … Such attempts will only aggravate the situation.

The reasons for this feeling can be countless. But will it make us more beautiful, healthier, richer? So is it worth it to carry this burden?