Live together or visit each other? Does living apart from a partner help to keep love in a relationship, and what do people who choose this format of communication so hard try to avoid?
The institution of marriage has changed significantly in recent years. What seemed like a natural scenario for the development of relationships is not suitable for everyone, and people choose their own options. For example, not everyone is ready to live with a partner, even if the relationship is long and stable, even if the marriage is officially registered.
Everyone has their own space
Reasons for separation may vary from person to person. Basically, it’s all about the lack of time for yourself and the need for personal space. No matter how close and good the relationship is, people get tired of each other, everyone has their own way of life and habits.
For example, introverts are especially acutely aware of the inability to be alone with themselves for a long time and control their territory. It is very difficult for them to constantly share space with someone else, even with a loved one. Having closed the door of the room behind him, the introvert must be sure that he is safe and no one will enter – at least not without knocking. Any unexpected guests can be very unbalanced.
Sometimes, when living together, people have a feeling of guilt that they cannot pay attention to their loved ones every evening, and instead of having a joint dinner and a lively conversation, they dream of crawling under the covers in pajamas and watching a horror movie alone or playing with their beloved dog.
The presence of children or animals in one of the spouses also complicates living together and can lead to a conflict of interest.
“My partner’s sons, aged 12 and 14, lived with us for half a week. These days I couldn’t concentrate and relax,” admits communication strategist and blogger Vicky Dimech. It wasn’t all bad, of course. But I’m an introvert and I really need a lot of time alone. Therefore, sometimes in the evenings I ran away from the living room.
But the last straw was that one of the sons began to come to his father in those days when he was supposed to live with his mother. He slammed doors, could enter us without knocking, and turned the volume up to full volume, playing the console. I realized that this situation is absolutely unfair.”
Vicki calls herself an introvert and a highly sensitive person. To restore emotional balance, such people need a comfortable space in which the order they have established reigns, without surprises in the form of candy wrappers left by children or things scattered by a partner.
For benefit or harm?
Studies published on the Internet give conflicting information. Some argue that for the development of relations, the couple needs to live together. Others write that the guest format helps to keep love.
It is obvious that, as always, there is no common recipe for happiness for all and cannot be. Each couple chooses their own path, the most important thing is that two can find an option that suits both. The ability to listen to oneself, understanding one’s own needs and respect for each other help in such a search.
A person who is satisfied with life feels happier and transmits this feeling to those with whom he communicates. Having the ability to regulate the ratio of communication time and solitude, he experiences less stress.
Filling in the lack of time to do things you love helps you feel more whole, not to lose your “I” in a relationship. Gives a resource from which a person is able and wants to share energy, mood, interests with a partner.
“Any marriage is a kind of contract,” says clinical psychologist Lidia Fedorova. – And the guest as well. And if everything suits two people in such an agreement, if relations with each other and with children are honest and open, then why not choose this option?
Many people go into such relationships because of trauma. For example, if there was a negative experience of addiction – when it turned out to be scary and painful. Let’s say a relationship with an abuser or a rapist. The so-called counter-dependence is formed – “I am on my own”. In fact, we are all addicted, in any relationship, and avoiding this is also a kind of addiction.
It happens that a guest marriage is not a voluntary choice, but a compromise, with its own pitfalls and internal conflicts. In this case, this is just one way to avoid solving problems.
There is nothing wrong or shameful in striving to provide yourself with the necessary level of psychological comfort. Moreover, just attempts to change oneself and “adjust” to the general standards of life or the needs of a partner usually lead to disastrous results and ultimately destroy relationships. And for some, a guest marriage is the only opportunity to build a partnership that will delight both for many years.