Grief

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Grief is a heavy, dark, bitter, sometimes extremely painful experience with a sense of irretrievable loss.

Children do not know what grief is, children master, learn this experience, adopting it as a model of social behavior. At the same time, grief, as an experience, is not very close to small children. Mastering negative emotions, feelings and experiences, children first learn to be angry, offended and upset, and grief is mastered later. Grief is not a natural, but a social reaction, and adults usually grieve as much as they are used to and as much as is customary.

However, psychotherapists have their own view of grief, according to which grief is a natural reaction of the psyche to loss, and this reaction lasts for a certain period and has its own stages. Among Russian authors, F. E. Vasilyuk writes about this first of all. (Read Vasilyuk F.E. Survive grief and Vasilyuk F.E. Psychology of experience).

In the synton approach, grief is considered as a learned behavior and a learned experience, accepted in society and having its own internal benefits for a person. Grief falls on an adult, and grief is made on a child. The lowered shoulders, the look from under the brows, the sad eyes, the knitted eyebrows are not only a reflection of grief, these are the actions that form it. The inner picture is a gray world, that is, the gray (or even black) strikethrough of the colors of the world, previously colored.

If a person has learned and considers it possible to experience grief, he will experience it as much and as much as is accepted in this society. If a person grew up in a culture where grief is not accepted, then the loss of loved ones and other events are not accompanied by grief. If a person has obligations to life and people, his experiences of grief will be short-lived — he has no right to this. If a person has the opportunity to experience, if this support is supported by loved ones, the experience of grief will be deeper and longer.

It should also be taken into account that the experience of grief usually has not only causes, but also benefits. What are the benefits of grief, why do people experience it? It is quite obvious that the one who cries does not cry for the departed — the departed is not bad. He who weeps cries — about himself, about his own loss, and crying is a manifestation of fear,

It is interesting to study whether the duration and depth of grief are related to the general level of anxiety (level of fears) in a person. There is a hypothesis that the relationship is directly proportional and, most importantly, strong.

crying is primarily a way of self-defense. From what? From accusations. If a person does not suffer, they will say about him — heartless, did not love (did not love). But she didn’t love — so maybe she’s to blame for what happened? How much a person appreciates the lost, in our culture, it is by the power of experience. The more grief is experienced, the more dearly lost. Grieves — it means he appreciated, but does not worry — it means it was not important.

This cultural stereotype is nothing more than a myth. In Buddhist culture, the death of a loved one, in principle, is not experienced as grief, it is perceived as an absolutely regular event, in some ways even positive: a person dear to you has freed himself from the wheel of samsara, left the world of suffering.

In addition to cultural characteristics, there have always been and are personal characteristics. For different people, grief occurs in different ways, someone is hurt only by trifles, someone is brought down by serious things. It happens that grief is adequate to reality: it is really very difficult for a person, it hurts — he grieves. But there is grief and exaggerated — then it is only a means of attracting attention and receiving a portion of strokes. There are people who are very worried about losses, but care little so as not to lose. And there are caring ones who tend to care, not worry. Wise people say: «Appreciate me while I’m alive…»

Strong people teach themselves not to fall into grief, because they know that other people need them: those they love and for whom they are responsible. How to learn not to fall into grief? 1) Practice the Technique of mental insurance 2) Remember about a fairy tale and reality, be able to distinguish one from the other. 3) Practice calm presence, learn not to escalate unnecessary emotions. 4) Teach yourself to live in the future: what has passed has already passed, and there is always life ahead, there are plans and there are those people who need you.