In the life of every parent, there comes a moment when any proposals, requests, instructions come across an uncompromising childish “I don’t want, I won’t”. Psychologists are sure that the frequency of meetings with the Great Nehochuha largely depends on the reaction of parents to this resistance.
«I do not want! I won’t! I do not like! Leave me alone! No! ..” When a child refuses to comply with a request or follow advice, the most important thing for a parent is to understand the motive for refusal. Only by understanding the reasons, you can decide how to respond correctly and, ultimately, win a pedagogical victory. Which, by the way, does not necessarily consist in insisting on your own at any cost: you can and should negotiate with a child.
The motives for refusal can be caused by the age and individual needs of the child, but in general they boil down to three main points.
- There is a real, weighty reason for disagreement.
- Refusal as a parent’s test of strength: what happens if I do not agree?
- The desire of the child to be the main one in relations with the elders: it will be the way I want!
A few simple steps will help determine the motive. First, it is important to recognize the child’s right to an alternative point of view: «I see that you do not agree with me.» Secondly, show him that there are options: “Probably you want to do something differently. Let’s discuss everything and make a decision together.»
Excessive sharpness can nullify all pedagogical maneuvers
An important point: these phrases do not contain interrogative intonation. We do not doubt anything, but simply state the facts, thereby emphasizing that control over the situation is in our hands. Most likely, the child will not be ready for the discussion. The task of the parent is to offer him options, talk about them and make a decision himself, using the pronoun “we”. Even if the baby just nods at the same time, he sees an example, gets a constructive experience.
If at this stage the situation is not resolved, most likely the child is testing you for strength. In this case, it is important to briefly and clearly outline the boundaries of the situation and your attitude towards it — but not to the child!
For example: “It is customary in our family to clean up after ourselves. Therefore, in 15 minutes, your toys should not be in the living room. If this does not happen, I will have to collect them and take them to the playground. Other children will be happy to take them apart. I would be very sad if I had to do this.”
Marking the boundaries is not a threat or blackmail, it is important to choose the right words and intonation. Excessive sharpness can nullify all pedagogical maneuvers.
If such a scenario did not work, it is likely that the child managed to grow into the Great Nehochuha and establishes power over you. Most likely, he has reasons for this: once you gave up and did not fulfill your intentions. If you start taking toys to the playground, Nehochuha can throw a real tantrum. In this case, it is important to remain calm, politely but firmly show that you will not deviate from your intentions. Calmly, not defiantly, collect the toys in a bag and place them by the door. Take the child in your arms or sit face to face with him, hug, wipe away tears. Show him your love, acceptance and lack of aggression.
Say, “I can see how upset you are. I am also very sorry that this happened. Let’s try to fix it. Do you need my help?» It is important that the child himself (even if with your help) takes the toys to his room and put them away. You can end the situation like this: “It’s good that we managed to agree and put things in order.” When similar situations arise, it is worth acting in the same way.
The most important thing in the proposed scenario is that you do not let the situation out of control, and the child receives a constructive experience that will help him act in similar situations in the future. At the same time, your self-control, self-control and willingness to compromise are important, as well as the sequence of actions and repetitions.
It is better to master this technique as early as possible: if Nehochukha-preschooler learns this experience, it will be much easier to negotiate with Nehochuha-teenager.