Consultation question:
When my husband and I leave somewhere, and we leave quite often, our son (4 years old) stays with his grandmother, my mother. My mother, in general, is a surprisingly sane, adequate person and her grandson is brought up correctly — she doesn’t lead to whining, she requires discipline, obedience and a positive format, she actively includes the child in work, she knows how to control her emotions well, she is logical and consistent in her requirements. My child is not naughty after her, he behaves well, plus his grandmother takes out his village. Most often it is fresh air, an opportunity for a child to run, frolic, that is, health and energy.
In general, everything is chic, but there is a nuance. Grandmother is a religious, church-going person, religion is the purpose and meaning of her life. She goes to church regularly (and works there), sings prayers before meals, and so on. The child sees this, is interested in all this and, in fact, is included in this life of hers — especially since the grandmother, although she does not dispute our view of the world, at the same time believes that she can answer the child’s questions.
Everything suits me, I don’t see a tragedy in anything: in the end, my mother raised me, and I’m not a believer, but my husband is categorically against religion in any of its manifestations. He believes that religion is evil and my mother forms mystical thinking in a child. That is, he, of course, does not mind her singing prayers — this is her personal business, but he wants my mother to talk about religion with her child in principle, and the only answer to questions about icons would be “ask dad”, and not “this is Nicholas the Wonderworker, who …” Now the husband sets the condition — either I will convey this to my mother, or she will communicate with Danya (son) exclusively in our presence.
I really don’t like it, because leaving a child with a grandmother is very convenient, and finding an intelligent nanny with whom we could leave the child for at least a couple of days when we leave in our small town is not an easy task. The question is how to build a conversation with my mother so that she stops answering any of Bogdan’s questions about religion or how to convey to her husband that there is nothing particularly terrible in these conversations about religion. I am between my grandmother and my husband — what should I do?
What to do?
I answer: it all depends on the attitude of parents-atheists to religion. The attitude is soft, it is hard.
A soft attitude is like a temporary trouble that needs to be ill and that needs to be waited out as soon as possible. Passion for computer games, a fashionable series, a stupid girlfriend — yes, this is bad, maybe even dangerous, but certainly not fatal and the tough guy is inappropriate here. Someone has the same attitude to superstitions and religion: “when he gets wiser, he will stop by himself.”
But there are other situations: your daughter is involved in prostitution, your son is introduced to smoking or, moreover, drugs … Will you react just as gently and calmly? Or the hardest?
If my husband didn’t care, then I would rather suggest that my mother react to everything gently: women usually don’t like hard options. But here the husband is categorically against it, and in the family the position of the husband should be decisive. Therefore, here we will analyze the hard version of the solution. I reincarnate as a husband and tell how to act. And immediately!
Firstly, my dear, beloved and dear wife, your words: “I am between my grandmother and my husband” are an unacceptable thing. You cannot be «in between», your position is always with me, with your husband. Yes? Well, good.
Secondly, I would like to tell a vision of the situation from a male point of view, and now I will draw a picture that will be very good to tell my grandmother.
Imagine our boy is growing up, and suddenly someone begins to teach him how to walk in a dress, put on bows and play girl games. Raise like a girl. How do you imagine the reaction of a man who suddenly sees what they are doing to his child? Do I need any explanation here, or is this a clear enough picture? And what will be said to the person who turns your boy into a girl?
For a man, if his son is turned into a girl, it is the destruction of his child. And the one who wants to destroy my son … Let’s say softly: yes, he should not do this.
In the same way I look at the question of religion. If my son does not believe in me, but in strangers, if for him the father is not me, but the heavenly father — obviously, this is not my son. If my son does not have free, clear, critical thinking, this is not my son. And I will not allow anyone to deprive me of my son!
If our child comes home and says: “I know there is a God”, then we will find ourselves in a stupid and terrible situation. Even though we ask: “How do you know?”, even though we say: “There is no God”, child — do not hesitate! will prove that God exists. He has already been infected, he has already received his primary experience, and logical reasoning will no longer work. The more we put pressure on him, the more he will insist on his own.
You and I shouldn’t be in this situation.
At the same time, you know how much I respect and appreciate your mother. Firstly, she raised you, and secondly, she is a smart, caring and very adequate person. Thirdly, she loves Danya, and Danya loves her, so you can’t just break off relations either. But she has not yet realized how important this issue is for me, so your mother needs to be talked to. I can do it, and I’ll do it easily, but if you want to do it yourself, I won’t mind. The meaning is simple:
“Mom, we really want the child to visit you, because he loves you, because you love him. But if we do not resolve this issue now, then the child will be without a grandmother, you will be without a grandson, we will be without you. It’s a terrible stress for everyone. Grandma, you are wise, let’s decide together with you what is best to do.
I think that my grandmother and I will agree.
Little is required from the grandmother, namely, to strictly say to Dana: “Look, I pray, but you can’t do this, because your family has different rules. The fact that I believe in God is my rules, and you don’t repeat them after me, dad didn’t allow you. And so that I don’t see or hear any repetitions after me without the permission of my father. And I’ll spank, and report to dad. This is grandma’s business, don’t touch grandma’s business! And after that, please calmly read prayers. Then the child knows: you never know what women have to do, they wear skirts, paint their lips, braid their pigtails. There is no reason for the boy to put on a skirt after that — they will ridicule, disgrace.
It seems to me that this is not very difficult, and we all will succeed!