Gossip, fairy tales and psychology in reverse

An interesting quality of human nature: we believe what we accidentally hear more than what is said openly, in person! If, for example, a friend says to you: “How good you look today,” then you are likely to think that she is just trying to be polite. But if you happen to overhear her say the same thing to someone else, you will consider her opinion sincere and honest. Even young children (over 18 months old) pay more attention to what they manage to overhear than to what they are told directly.

Attention to the overheard reminds me of the back door in the house. My parents always locked the front door, but left the back door open so the kids could run out into the yard. In a way, we are all like this house. We stand guard over the “front door”, rejecting compliments that are supposedly insincere or immoderate. Meanwhile, through the «back door» we get messages that we overheard by accident.

There are three ways to stimulate desired behavior by sending ideas through the secret back door of a child’s mind:

1. «Gossip»: you deliberately say something that the child should «accidentally» overhear.
2. Fairy tales: you present the desired idea in the form of a fairy tale.
3. «Psychology in reverse»: you achieve interaction by telling the child to do the opposite of what you really want him to do.

1. «Gossip» («Shh… Hey teddy bear, I’ll tell you about what Lauren did today!»)

«Gossip» involves whispering thoughts to get the baby to listen to them.

Surprisingly, if it seems to us that we are hearing something that is not intended for our ears, then we pay more attention to these words and tend to trust them more. (This applies to children as well as adults and even governments!) Here’s how it’s done.

When the child is near you, whisper loudly some kind of praise in his address, referring to a spouse, a bird, a teddy bear, a grandmother, or pretending that you are talking on the phone. Do not look at the baby at this moment. “Gossip” works only when you tell a “secret” that the baby should not know about. Start with a loud whisper, and as soon as the child pricks up his ears and stops breathing, lower your voice and cover your mouth with your hand, as if revealing a secret to someone.

A little later, but on the same day, repeat the compliment, only this time openly. The child will think, “Wow, that must be true. I’ve been hearing about this a lot lately.»

Gossip can start anywhere between 18 and 24 months. It is at this age that children already understand that people often say important things in a whisper!

Here are some ways to use gossip effectively:

• Praise something your child has done. Whisper to the parrot: “Hey! Shh! Hey Mr Bird! Selma ate all the peas today. I said: «She’s done well, a good girl.» Hey Mr Bird, shh. And then Selma said, «Thank you.» I love it when she says, «Thank you Mommy.» It makes me so happy!” This technique is effective, even if the baby is only two years old! He may not understand everything said, but by your tone he will feel that you appreciate him.
• Special life lessons. Suppose two-year-old Helen is afraid of dogs. Instead of telling her, «Don’t be afraid, it’s a good dog,» get her to overhear you suggesting a way out for the teddy bear: «Yes, Teddy, Helen was scared. She asked: «Home, mommy!» But then I showed her how to be brave and said, “Dog, go away, don’t be mean! With good girls, you have to be kind!» And then I hugged Helen because I love her so, so much!!!”
• Pretend you need help. Three-year-old Isabella, as a rule, ignores her mother’s requests and pretends that she is deaf. But when Joyce stepped into another room and whispered loudly, “I wish someone could help me pick up the scattered toys!” — Isabella immediately rushed to the rescue!
• Gossip and imaginary friends. Some kids make up imaginary friends. It is very convenient: a friend is always there. In addition, this method is a great opportunity to practice social skills. Talking with his imaginary friend, the baby confides his innermost thoughts to him: “Mommy is so angry! She forbade me to watch TV!” You, too, can convey important messages by talking to your kid’s imaginary friend: «Zookers, if you and Susie get your shoes on quickly, you can go shopping with me.» A warning! Some kids don’t like strangers talking to their friend: “She’s MY friend! Don’t talk to her!»

You can use your child’s favorite toy as an «accomplice» in your dialogues. Kit, Jack’s father, seeks advice from the Magic Rabbit: «Wait, Jack, I’ll ask the Magic Rabbit.» Then he turns away from his son and says in a loud whisper: “Hi, Magic Rabbit! Please, please, PLEASE help me. Should Jack wash his hands before eating?» Then Keith puts his ear to the pink lips of the rabbit, trying to hear his «answer». «WHAT? What you said? Yeah… Does he have to wash his hands?”

Jack watches his father wide-eyed as Keith continues, nodding his head in agreement, “But he has to do it quickly? And sit down to eat right NOW? Okay, okay, Magic Bunny, I’ll tell him. Thanks!!! I love you!!!» Then Keith turns to his son and gives him a message from the rabbit. “Hey Jack, I just talked to the Magic Bunny. He told you to wash your hands SUPER quick and high five!”

Using this technique takes only one minute, but it helps to maintain a warm friendly atmosphere in the family. Keith’s simple trick prevents quarrels and scandals that lasted at least half an hour and spoiled everyone’s mood for the whole day.

2. Fairy tales (“Once upon a time there was a little boy …”)

Classical stories like «Little Red Riding Hood» were told around the fire in ancient times, not only as entertainment, but also as a lesson, for example, about not talking to unfamiliar «wolves». The enduring popularity of fairy tales testifies to their effectiveness. Like «gossip», they are ideal for teaching children over two years old.

These short stories engage both hemispheres of the brain at the same time. The left hemisphere learns the language and plot of the story, while the right hemisphere learns how the child should behave in similar situations.

The effectiveness of fairy tales is largely due to the fact that the baby does not even realize that he is learning something. Useful lessons, woven into the fabric of the story like seeds planted, quickly germinate in his mind and help him distinguish between good and bad.

Basically, fairy tales consist of three parts:

1. Introduction. With descriptions of various feelings, this part engages the child’s mind. Tell what the little Frog Princess sees, hears, sings, eats for breakfast, what she is wearing, what interesting things she observes on the way to school, etc. The introduction plays a big role, because it fascinates the baby and prepares for further events. By the time you get to the next part, he will feel so comfortable, secure, and warm that the back door of his mind will open wide of its own accord.
2. Main plot. It is here that an important life lesson is imperceptibly taught to the child. For example, what happened to the little Frog Princess when she refused to share, did not wash her hair, or hit her brother.
3. A happy ending. Ending a fairy tale with a happy ending is like wrapping it in beautiful paper. Knowing that at the end the Frog Princess will definitely return home, where kisses, hugs, a favorite toy and delicious food await her, has a positive effect on strengthening the baby’s sense of order and security.

You can come up with your own fairy tales containing specific life lessons that you would like to teach your baby. Here are some more tips:

• Let funny little animals play the leading roles — Mimi the calf or Steven the mouse.
• Do not make little children the heroes of fairy tales. Because of them, the story seems too real and scary.
• Use theatrical effects: raise your voice, move to a whisper to attract the attention of a child or highlight especially important places.
• Include helper characters in the story: angels, fairies, a talking toad or friendly trees that always come to the rescue of the main character.
• Make one of the heroes a grumbling, grumbling, angry animal that is always caught in the end. (After all, your baby’s world is filled with both joyful and scary things.)

After a while, your child will endlessly demand to continue about the exploits of their favorite heroes, until they become sweet childhood memories!

3. «Psychology in reverse» («Don’t brush your teeth!»)

Masha, a lively three-year-old girl, loves to lift her dress. Of course, this gives her pleasure because it angers her parents. At first, they simply asked: “Please, dear, don’t do this,” but they could not help smiling at the same time — because the girl was so charming. Soon she repeated her number in front of her grandmother, an elderly neighbor and grocery seller. In each case, she responded with merry laughter, and this inspired her to new experiments.

What Masha’s parents didn’t try to make her stop messing around. Everything was allowed to enter — from persuasion to time-outs, but there was no sense. Finally they moved on to a radical method. Instead of endless “no” they encouraged their daughter in serious voices: “More! Let’s! Higher! Raise higher! Don’t give up!» A week later, Masha’s performance ended forever. She only periodically lifted her skirt, demonstrating her independence; as soon as the parents let their daughter know that they approved of her actions, the girl lost interest in the game.

From the age of 18 months, our little «Neanderthals» find a new entertainment — open defiance.

This is a way to feel your influence and demonstrate independence. “Psychology in reverse” is an opportunity to turn an addiction to your advantage.

It is clear that there is no such technique that would constantly give positive results, but this entertaining method is ideal for parents of especially stubborn and headstrong kids, because it allows small “machos” (both male and female) to make concessions, while maintaining this face and self-respect.

I refer to this technique as ideas through the back door, because children, absorbed in refusing to comply with an immediate request, do not notice how it slips through the back door. The beauty of “reverse psychology” is that it allows kids to both demonstrate their defiance and do what we need. And everyone is happy!

Here are some fun reverse psychology tricks.

• Appeal to the child’s possessiveness. At the end of the tour, two-year-old Mia suddenly decided to take one of my toys with her. I warned her that I would miss her very much, but Mia remained indifferent to my words. So I suggested another way out: “Okay, no problem. You can take the toy.» After that, he collected her clothes and remarked: “Then I’ll take your shoes, socks, T-shirt and panties! Is it going? Mia frowned and reached for her clothes. I extended my hand to the toy and we made a simultaneous exchange of treasures, like spies at the Berlin Wall.
• Do not do that! Forbid the baby to eat what is good for him. Beg: “No! NO! Don’t eat the apple! You are welcome. Please, please!”

Three-year-old Mason was obviously bored sitting in my office while I examined his sister. Suddenly he decided that he had had enough and declared: «Now I will prick you in the eye.» To which I begged pleadingly: “Just don’t hit me on the leg. Please, please, just not on the leg! No no no!!!» He grinned wickedly and, of course, began to prick me like a pin in the leg while I frantically «protested.»

Jessica often refuses to comply with her mother’s requests. But here’s what her mother discovered: as soon as she told Jessica’s imaginary friend, the mouse Nana, that Jessica was too small to do this or that, her daughter rushed headlong to prove that her mother was very mistaken!