The rules of communication are simple: do not talk about politics, religion, sex (especially masturbation) and under no circumstances express doubts about other people’s methods of education.
After all, what will we do if the interlocutor does not approve of our point of view? Are we capable of a violent quarrel or an exhausting silence? Relationships are often not strong enough to withstand the pressure of feelings caused by confrontation. On the other hand, our personal space is so crowded, we see the manifestation of so many emotions on a multitude of faces that collisions are inevitable, and the ability to resolve them is necessary for our well-being, for a healthy environment at home, at work and in general in any community.
Arguments very quickly turn into heavy squabbles, because their participants do not feel that they are understood. This means that the opponent must be made to feel that he was carefully listened to. Experiments by Stanford University staff show that it is enough to show interest and desire to learn more about someone else’s (and alien’s) point of view*. For example, ask a clarifying question. Only and everything.
But this one question should be asked “by the rules”: we collect information, and nothing more. We voluntarily give up our prejudices and even beliefs temporarily in order to dampen our own defensiveness. We do not promise to change our position after we hear the answer.
If we are sincerely interested in what is important to others, then they are likely to want to learn more from us.
In other words, we simply understand what the other person thinks, and do not evaluate his thoughts. Don’t misunderstand me, this is a very difficult psychological setup. But what happens if we do express genuine curiosity and ask for more information? The one to whom our question is addressed will feel that he has an open and attentive interlocutor in front of him. Moreover, he will notice the difference between us and the typical bearer of views different from his own. At the same time, a person not only experiences good feelings, but begins to perceive the other as a good person. And curiosity is contagious: if we are interested in what is important to others, then they will want to know more from us.
We often assume that complex problems require complex solutions, and we neglect simple ideas because they seem trivial and therefore ineffective. Curiosity is too obvious a move, so it is underestimated. But curiosity, in the form of a question that is neither judgmental nor critical, is a maneuver for dealing with situations of emotional tension, bypassing the annoyance, conflict, uncertainty, and ambiguity that pervade our lives.
* J. Minson, F. Chen, Z. Tormala, L. Ross «The inference of interest: The effect of asking clarifying questions on actual and perceived receptiveness to counter-attitudinal information». Paper at the Conference of the Association for Psychological Science, Chicago, 2008.