Good memories help resolve conflict

When couples seek counseling, I ask them to think about how they handled conflicts early in the relationship. Most did not behave so aggressively. They were aware that one should not cross boundaries, they could argue and at the same time take care of each other.

However, they argue that now the conflicts have become so painful that it is impossible to resolve them gently. I insist: if you really want and practice, it is possible. Here’s a little exercise. Feeling an attack of aggression, you need to take your partner by the hands, look into his eyes and freeze for a few minutes. The person calms down and can no longer continue the quarrel.

Then remember how you behaved before and what you are doing now. Comparison will help change relationships for the better. Let’s take a look at five typical actions of a partner in conflict and your reactions to each of them.

1. Turns around and leaves

Sometimes one of the partners just leaves. The other cannot stop, does not stop blaming and provoking a continuation of the quarrel. The first either does not answer, or returns to the «battlefield» with fresh forces.

When your partner turns to leave, try to remember how you would act when you were in love. Could you ask him to stay? You would say something like, “I understand that you are upset about what I said. And you don’t like the way I act. But I don’t want you to leave. Please stay and tell me how you feel.»

If you say the same today, your partner will feel cared for and feel safe to talk about their feelings with you.

2. Offended

Usually this feeling arises when a person believes that he is being unfairly accused. Reactions to offense are different: from complete disregard to reactive aggression, which only hides the disorder.

Do you think that showing resentment is an attempt to manipulate you? But have you treated your partner the same way before? You would say, “You look offended. I got too carried away defending my point of view, but I did not want to hurt you. Would you like to share what you think? Can’t you now say the same thing so that your partner feels loved and not afraid to show his vulnerability?

3. Loses control

The partner loses logic, jumps to different questions, gesticulates randomly and raises his voice. Women begin to cry, with men it happens less often.

Remember how you were able to calm your partner: “It looks like I upset you a lot. I’m really sorry. Let’s wait until you come to your senses. What I wanted to say can wait.» If you say this, your partner will be grateful.

4. Rereads you in everything

The partner devalues ​​your arguments, says that you are crazy. You go on the counteroffensive. The conflict is growing.

Remember how you behaved before: were ready to listen to each other, showed patience. You said, “Darling, you devalue everything I say. Or are you not listening to me? Let me shut up and listen to what you have to say.» And now, after these words, the partner will relax and appreciate your willingness to give in.

5. Getting angrier

Often this happens when the person feels they are being attacked or feels the need to win. When a partner yells at you, he is unable to perceive what you are saying.

Anger is a way to feel big and strong, to hide vulnerability. In response to your partner’s aggression, you begin to respond in the same manner. Did you behave the same when the relationship was just beginning?

You may have told your partner, “You are on edge. But did I do something that deserves to be repulsed? Explain why you are angry. I’m sure I can understand your feelings if you talk about them without being angry.» After these words, the partner will calm down and share his experiences with you.

Relationships in a couple change over time, many partners lose the ability to constructively deal with conflict situations. But this ability will return if both remember the love and empathy that helped them resolve differences.