While we are small, our parents are almost gods to us. It seems that they can take an example in everything. It is only as adults that we realize that this is not the case. Unconsciously repeating the behavior of their own parents, adults play in communication with each other and with children the conditional roles of a good and bad policeman, a standard and a friend, a boss and a child. Psychologist Yana Leykina identifies five role models that are characteristic of each family.
1. Chief
In its pure form, role models are rare, adults can change roles or adjust their behavior depending on the situation. Parents who want to maintain healthy relationships in the family act as the “bad cop” – strict and demanding, then the “good” – soft and sympathetic. But this is not always the case. One of the most common parenting roles is the boss.
The father, who has reached heights in his career, is used to unquestioning obedience and expects the same at home. Turns into a “house boss” and a man whose wife is on maternity leave. He is the only “breadwinner”, he sees children only in the evenings and on weekends, he becomes the “boss”, on whom the whole family depends financially.
Often adults copy their own parents, even the most authoritarian and cold
A single mother can also be in charge. She gets tired, she can yell at a child who does not want to go to bed, instead of finding out why he is naughty. So do parents of hyperactive children.
Often adults copy their own parents, even the most authoritarian and cold. At the same time, a woman can be strict and distant with her daughter, and with the advent of grandchildren, soften, become a gentle and loving grandmother. Whatever the childhood, many children idealize their parents, but the opposite scenario is also possible: “I will never be like her”, “My children will never have to experience this.”
2. Infantile
This role is usually played by those who hastily made an important life decision and did not have time to adapt to new circumstances. A woman who gives birth too early or at the insistence of a partner is not ready to become a mother. She feels like a hostage to the situation, she is in despair and only with the help of her loved ones will she be able to cope with this and accept her new role. A similar feeling overtakes men who suddenly find out about the upcoming paternity: they move away from making a decision, take the position of a child who does not want to be responsible.
Responsibility is one of the main features that separate a child from an adult. The presence of this quality does not always depend on age. A woman who was raised as a “little princess” has little chance of growing up. Most likely, she will remain a girl who wants not independent decisions, but new dresses.
Children of infantile parents are forced to grow up very quickly
The situation may be reversed: for example, children from orphanages have nowhere to take an example of interaction between close people, members of the same family. Growing up and becoming parents, they face completely new, unusual conditions.
Parents can change roles with their children: for example, elderly parents manipulate the attention of a child, and children of infantile parents are forced to grow up very quickly.
3. Level
A cold and distant father, a mother who has no time to pay attention to children, because she is too busy with herself. The leveling parent typically sees tenderness, tactile contact, and approval as signs of weakness. From such parents one can expect praise for a medal or a cup at a competition, but not just for diligence and a good result in training.
The reference parent perceives children as another chance to fulfill their own desires, and this is one of the main mistakes of education. Leveling the boundaries between themselves and the child, the mother or father does not give him the right to become an independent person. However, even a small child has his own needs, desires, problems, experiences, dreams, and comparisons (“A neighbor’s son only gets A’s, not like you!”, “At your age, I was already married for a long time”) hurt him painfully .
The main task of parents is to explain that it is important over and over again to surpass not someone, but oneself, and to let the child understand that he has the right to choose his own path.
4. Victim
If the parent plays the role of the victim, the child grows up with guilt for events and circumstances to which he has nothing to do. The mother-victim accuses the child of “putting all her strength on him” and therefore did not remarry, although the rejection of her personal life is her own choice. The victim father, going through a midlife crisis, falls out of his usual rut, loses his job, cheats on his wife, abuses alcohol, does not pay attention to the child and is mainly engaged in self-pity. This kind of behavior hurts the child.
The children of hypochondriacs also suffer: the child seeks to help the parent, sincerely worries about him, but with age he understands that the “disease” is only manipulation, and irritation and anger replace sympathy.
The little children of victim parents do not know what to call the feelings they experience, but the emotions themselves do not disappear from this, and they bring this fear, pain, guilt, annoyance, anger and humiliation as adults into their own families.
5. Friend
The Parent-Friend is the perfect role model for both good cop and bad cop. The children of such parents know that the mother and father forbid something not out of a whim, but because it is really harmful or dangerous. They know that a well-deserved reward awaits them for their efforts, and a fair punishment for misconduct. The parent-friend is serious about the problems of the child, does not consider his desires to be whims, gives him the opportunity to express himself. He loves the child, but strikes a balance between friendship and his own authority.
The basis of such a family is love, respect and mutual understanding: a mother or father pays a lot of attention to children and enjoys their unconditional trust. They give the child an example of respectful communication between adults and relations between a man and a woman. The role of a parent-friend is available to everyone who is ready to take into account the peculiarities of not only their own, but also someone else’s personality.
The nuances of relationships in our own family seem normal to us, but observing other families can help avoid future mistakes. Sometimes it’s worth learning from the mistakes of others, and a great opportunity for this is provided by the channel in the program “Family life without cuts” on Tuesdays at 22:00, whose characters also play roles, but live exclusively for real.
The article was prepared with the participation of Yana Leikina, psychologist, psychotherapist, coach.