Glory to kisses!

The first kiss… Fleeting or long, cautious or confident. We dream about him, we try to guess what he will be – and he always surprises us. It is impossible to forget it in the same way as the first night of love. He cannot leave us indifferent, because the first kiss is our first step into the world of sensuality.

The prototype of a kiss is the lips of a baby on the mother’s breast. Our unconscious stores in its depths the bliss and serene peace that we experienced at such moments. Later, we boldly brought various objects to our mouths, tasting them. And, as adults, during a kiss, we learn about another person as much as we would not have learned in years of conversations.

In all cultures, if people are looking for opportunities for peaceful communication, then they consume something together – they share a meal, drink wine or smoke a pipe of peace. “When we want to establish a friendly relationship, we use the “oral possibilities”, we use the lips,” explains sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc. “During the meeting, we live the fear of the unknown, and the kiss comes to our aid.”

Dare to meet

While we are holding hands, touching each other, even touching lips – we are acting “on the border” of our bodies. A deep kiss with the participation of the tongue is the first attempt to cross the border, to penetrate the body of a partner.

“The border always attracts,” says transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky, “it is a disinterested risk, a special inner urge to test oneself in new circumstances. There is always a hint of danger in the first kiss: after all, a person risks being rejected. And yet we go for it, step over fear and apprehension. At this moment, we experience our own “I” with particular acuteness.

In a sense, a kiss is even a more responsible experience than sexual intercourse, which will be the next “taking the frontier” – a larger one, but still the second.

“Starting from the first kiss, the road to sexual relations has been paved,” Vadim Petrovsky continues, “just as, having stood on the first step of an ascending escalator, we already know for sure that sooner or later we will find ourselves at the top. After the kiss, there may be love games that delay the moment of triumph, but if the kiss is pleasing to both, then the triumph is, in essence, a foregone conclusion.

More intimate than sex

“I can’t make love to a man who doesn’t kiss me,” admits 32-year-old Lyudmila, “I will have the impression that I am just a thing for him.” A kiss is a pledge of affection and love. Need proof? “No prostitute will agree to a kiss on the lips,” says Catherine Blanc. “She will give her kiss only to a loved one, such a meeting with her lips is more intimate than sexual intercourse.”

“Kissing is a powerful erotic experience, it precedes and prepares sexual experience,” explains psychotherapist and sexologist Irina Panyukova. Our sexual development goes through three stages. Platonic is the desire to be near. So, for children in love, it’s enough just to prepare lessons together.

Erotic begins at about 12-13 years old: teenagers are looking for contact, they want to touch each other, hold hands, hug. Kissing belongs precisely to this second stage. The final stage of development of sexuality begins at the age of 15-16 and is manifested primarily in the desire for intimacy. If any step on this path is skipped, the sexual life of an adult will not be harmonious.

Approximately in the same logic, relationships develop in each new couple that we create. Actually, only in this case can we talk about relationships as such: when we treat a partner as a person, and not as an object that we use to satisfy our needs.

Gennady is 45 years old, divorced and has an active sex life. “When I meet a woman who does not like kissing, I am surprised and realize that we will not have mutual understanding. I love kissing women, touching their skin with my lips, their lips. Without that, there can be no sense gratification for me.”

There is also a scientific basis for this approach. After all, all information about our sensations flows into the brain, it is he who is the main “organ of pleasure”, evaluates some touches as pleasant, others as unpleasant or dangerous.

“Different parts of our body in the cerebral cortex correspond to zones of different sizes,” explains Irina Panyukova. – The area of ​​the lips is twice the area of ​​the genitals. Thus, during a kiss, the brain receives stronger stimulation than during intercourse. Nevertheless, there are those among us who not only do not seek kisses, but in every possible way try to avoid them.

Who doesn’t like kisses

“Some men can avoid kisses for fear of overexcitation,” Irina Panyukova reveals male secrets. “They don’t want to disappoint the woman, because in this case, you can come to the end of sexual intercourse too quickly. To avoid rapid ejaculation, men sometimes limit themselves to only light kisses or completely refuse them.

The reluctance to kiss can also be associated with a bad first experience. “Some teenagers kiss to be “like everyone else,” says Catherine Blanc, “sometimes with some kind of disgust, which the memory remains in the body.”

Kissing is also avoided due to rules or habits, both cultural and family. In traditional Japanese culture, for example, kissing is not customary at all. Even now, the kiss that has come into use remains rather ritual – it is a light contact of the lips, and it is not accompanied by hugs. Some families don’t kiss at all.

“If the refusal to kiss is not a consequence of tradition, then most often it is associated with a special attitude towards one’s body,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. – A person either does not feel it, or, on the contrary, perceives it sharply. And he feels anxiety, anxiety, when someone touches him or kisses him.

Such complex relationships with their bodies occur in men and women who, in childhood, did not feel the love of their parents or witnessed a sexual scene that had a traumatic effect on them. It is also possible that they have experienced violence themselves. To cope with the consequences of such an injury, the help of specialists is most often needed.

In Search of Lost Kisses

And if a couple who kissed with pleasure stopped doing it? “Most likely, this is a sign of alienation in the relationship, a clear cause for concern,” says the transactional analyst.

The sexologist thinks otherwise: “If we lose the taste for kisses, it cannot be concluded from this that feelings have died. It’s just that many well-coordinated couples do not need long foreplay to move on to sexual intimacy. Passionate kisses as a foreplay are not necessary for them.

And yet kissing is worth it even when sexual intimacy is not expected! “Kisses calm us down, bring us into a state of balance,” continues Irina Panyukova. “They allow us to experience a wide range of feelings together: tenderness, trust, joy.”

“Do you notice that you have begun to neglect kissing? asks Catherine Blanc. And he advises: – You should gradually remember what it is: playfully, lightly touch your partner’s lips, neck … And it’s not necessary to kiss deeply and passionately for hours, as it was at the beginning of the novel! It’s just about bringing sensuality back into the relationship.”

It is also important to consider that our passion either almost fades or flares up with renewed vigor. “The separation of partners turns out to be temporary if it is provoked by external events: troubles at school or at work, the illness of someone close, a personal crisis,” Inna Khamitova clarifies. – A decrease in the need for intimate communication can also be a symptom of depression. Then, of course, not until kisses. It’s better to wait out this moment and let your partner be alone with you.”

Disclosure of feelings

In a kiss, both partners are physiologically equal. And it depends only on our desire which role we will choose – “active” or “receiving”. We can both prefer the same role, which is not possible with sexual intercourse. If it’s “acceptance,” the kiss will turn into a slow, thoughtful mutual recognition and exploration. If “attack”, you get a greedy and passionate kiss, similar to mutual absorption.

The kiss reveals the essence of the feeling that binds us. “It’s almost impossible to fake a kiss on the lips,” Inna Khamitova is sure. – He doesn’t lie. And he will tell about the character of the partner, and about his attitude towards us.

By kissing, we learn a lot about ourselves. At this moment, we discover whether the sensual component of our attraction is great, whether behind our desire is passion, sympathy, or only a desire to interrupt our loneliness. And how many love stories began with an accidental kiss!

However, the very first kiss may not succeed. Such a feeling appears if the kisses were too fast, sharp: such an “invasion” clearly indicates what a different kind of invasion will be … “The reason may be a strong excitement,” suggests Irina Panyukova, “and even a strong desire to please the partner. It happens that we want to look more experienced, and because of this, unnaturalness, tension appears in our actions.

In addition, it is possible that we or our partner are affected by habits that have developed in previous relationships, and we have yet to develop new ones. Fortunately, when we like a person, we are ready to give him a second chance.

In the recent past, it was generally believed that the very first kiss should not work! Inna Khamitova shares her observations: “Remember the films of the 40s and 50s – when a young man kissed a girl, she was obliged to slap him or make a scene: “How dare you? What do you allow yourself? Since then, cultural norms have changed, and now this behavior looks strange.”

But the ancient Roman poet Catullus was insatiable in terms of kisses: “Give me a thousand kisses, and another hundred, and another thousand, and a second hundred, and another thousand, and a hundred, and another …” he begged his girlfriend. Indeed, it is hard to imagine what else could bring us such vivid and exciting experiences, bring us closer and give us moments of tender and sweet dissolution in each other.