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In one old parable, the wind and the sun argued: who will quickly remove the cloak from a lonely traveler on the road. The wind blew with all its might, tearing off the cloak, but the traveler only stubbornly wrapped himself up even more. And the sun simply warmed the man with rays, and he willingly took off his cloak himself. What’s with the couple’s relationship? Psychologist Lucy Suleymanova explains.
“In this parable, in fact, lies the essence of the concept of “influence”, which I would like to discuss. Usually influence implies a vague feeling of pressure, imposition, power, control. And perhaps, when it comes to business or politics, such an idea is not far from the truth. But in the same way, many understand influence when it comes to the relationship between a man and a woman. Meanwhile, in this area, the impact on another person is built according to fundamentally different rules — if, of course, we are talking about effective and harmonious relationships. The basis of these rules is exchange. A constant exchange of emotions and actions that allows you to deepen relationships. And the instrument of this exchange is not strict control, not demands, and not money, but internal motivation, a sincere desire to give and receive something in return.
Fur Day
One of my clients spoke with annoyance about how his wife built a whole story around buying a new fur coat. At first she kept talking about the need for this fur coat — and he agreed. Then she asked me to buy a fur coat — and he gave money. Then she asked to be taken to the store — and he, a busy man, suggested that she take a taxi, and she gave more and more arguments why it was impossible … In the end, he took the time and, holding back his irritation, took his wife to fulfill her whim. That is, he sincerely thought that it was a whim. Meanwhile, it is clear that the whole story is about something else: about how a woman is looking for an opportunity to feel her value in the eyes of a man. The fact that the unfortunate fur coat in itself does not mean anything, but the dreamed Day of the Fur Coat is important, which they will go to choose and buy together, and the main thing will not be money, but the attention and time of the husband.
A story about a girl who asked two men for $200 was a hit on social media recently. She chose the one who was richer and easily gave 300. And did not notice that the second one gave her the last money. This is also a story about the value that one person gives to another. Or which is denied. The less we feel our own value, the more we demand confirmation of it, sometimes in the most ridiculous ways. And the more we are sure of it, the more willingly we go towards a partner.
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Exchange price
In a relationship between a man and a woman, both the distance and the status of the leader in a couple are important, and the level of dramatization (if it is low, we get bored, if it is high, we get tired), and the level of exchange. The last factor is exactly what gives us the incentive to move further and deeper. How much we give, so much we get.
We don’t have many instruments of influence. Remember what can make a donkey move? Carrot, stick or road. At the first stage of the relationship, a man and a woman are “donkeys” for each other, and they experience the effectiveness of one or another stimulus by experience. But when relationships become stronger, simple schemes work worse and worse, because you are already walking along the road together, you have only one carrot for two, and the stick is double-edged. To expand the zone of influence, more complex techniques are required.
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Milestones
Which? It depends on your relationship system. According to anthropologist Helen Fisher1 there are three such systems: attraction (sexual instinct, natural urge to procreate), romantic love (attracting a specific partner for a joint future), and affection (necessary to raise children). These systems depend on the family scenario, parental and our own experience. And each system is facilitated by its own neurochemistry — and the inherent risk of «cooling down». Deepening relationships, we move from one system to another, the only question is how purposefully and at what speed.
Actually, we, by and large, have no power over the speed and timing of the stages: they largely depend on hormones. The basic function of attraction is the birth and upbringing of a child. Nature has allocated a certain period for this — from 7-8 months to 2-3 years. If the relationship is less than six months old, the couple has not yet formed affection and interest other than sexual. And if they are more than two years old, then they very rarely move to a new stage, although they have ceased to suit both parties. So, every two years, something must change in the relationship. Whether the birth of a child, or a new house — a certain project must begin without fail.
But this is not enough. Let the new project artificially launch a new stage, at the same time new rules of the game, incentives and ways to influence each other were launched. Changing the system of attraction to the system of romantic love does not at all cancel the significance of sex, and the transition to the attachment system does not in the least negate the readiness to perform feats for the sake of the chosen one — it’s just that now everything corresponds to a new stage. Demands are rising and rates are rising. A new comfortable distance is determined, the leader leading the pair at the moment, the degree of mutual interest. And most importantly — the level of exchange increases. Everyone can and wants to give more. Everyone feels their own value — and measures the value of a partner in a new way. And this is precisely the secret of a competent and effective expansion of its zone of influence.
1 Helen Fisher is an anthropologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey (USA), author of five books and hundreds of scientific articles. Fisher became known for her research on the behavior of people in love.