“Give children more freedom”

Psychologies: We love our child, we care about him and try to protect him. Where are we wrong?

Peter Dmitrievsky: The world is not a safe place. And the task of parents, protecting children, is to teach them to behave prudently and prudently. The child must clearly understand what is dangerous for him and other people, in which care must be taken. But very often our love and fear lead to the fact that we are too busy with the child, foreseeing his slightest desire, showering him with advice in the spirit of “don’t do that, don’t do that.” And he begins to value security much more than, for example, the joy of communication, and his curiosity fades.

The child stops paying attention to what he is really interested in, and grows up to be an overcautious and shy person. Or vice versa, out of a sense of protest or a desire to test oneself, one can go to the other extreme and stop paying attention even to reasonable security requirements, rush into risky experiments like walking along the edge of rooftops, or contact a dangerous company …

Does this mean that children should be allowed to take risks?

PD: We are constantly confronted with the unknown. And in a situation of uncertainty – existential or mundane – there are no rules, no way to rely on clear scenarios. Here new, own decisions are required, and in order to make them, courage is needed. And we need to prepare children for these challenges. Give them the opportunity to gain confidence in themselves, in their ability to cope with difficulties.

It is impossible to achieve this without meeting the new, which means it is impossible without risk. Therefore, it is so important to help the child become a courageous, but not reckless person who is able to assess the danger and change his behavior accordingly. There is no life without risk. You can’t remove reefs from the sea, but you can put them on a map and teach them how to bypass them. That is what parents should do.

How to let them take risks?

PD: To begin with, stop making all decisions instead of your son or daughter, considering them helpless, irresponsible people! Keep your distance, clearly define the boundaries of your power, but gradually let the child go away from you, let him make a choice and be responsible for it himself. It is easier for children to decide on an act, knowing that there is insurance, that their parents are nearby. But in the end, parents must remove their strong hand, allowing the child to become autonomous step by step.

Growing up, children inevitably move away from us until they leave completely. We must come to terms with this: this is the mission of all parents. And to understand that the tighter we hold our children by the hand, the harder we try to control them, the stronger and more reckless will be their desire to move away from us.

It is not always clear whether the child is ready for independence, or whether he still needs time. What should parents look for?

PD: There is only one principle – to let go of the child gradually. No sudden moves. Each is a small change. Try it and see how he did today. Happened? Allow more next time, and so on, step by step. If you failed and the step turned out to be too large, go back and try smaller steps.

It is not easy to loosen the reins, especially when a child becomes a teenager …

PD: Yes it is. But we must learn this. In some cases, agreements and sanctions are effective. Say, an agreement on the time of coming home in the evening. And there are areas where parental control is powerless. This is, for example, relationships with peers: after all, we cannot check whether he has fulfilled what he promised. In this case, the restrictions turn into a game when the child is lying, and the parents pretend to believe. And here the only way is to talk about yourself, about what risky situations we ourselves got into at his age or are getting into now, because there are risks in adulthood too.

But the older the child becomes, the fewer situations arise that require an invasion of his life. Rely on his skills, do not do for the child what he can handle himself, give him the opportunity to make his own mistakes! Yes, it’s not very comfortable. But who said being a parent is comfortable? Communication with other parents, work with a psychologist will help to cope with anxiety. By releasing children into the world, we acknowledge to a certain extent that everything happens, that life is full of surprises and we cannot avoid it.

Is it possible to teach a child courage if you yourself do not possess it?

PD: In the process of parenting, parents inevitably discover their own limitations. And one of the ways to be useful to a child is to work out your “blind spots”. Analyze your fears and accept them. Ask for help or look for a less risky course of action. And if we manage to pass on such a skill to a child, this is already a lot.

But what if the child is prone to recklessness and literally risks his head?

PD: In situations that threaten life or health, you need to act decisively. If they use or distribute drugs in his environment, you need to “pull out” the child from this company, transfer him to another school, move to another district, city, no matter how difficult it may be. This applies to any criminal environment. And only then understand how it all happened.