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It is pointless to convince her to quickly part with a person who deprives her of vitality, self-confidence and does not make her happy. And yet you can help a friend.
Why did my friend get into a toxic relationship?
What keeps your smart, attractive and insightful girlfriend next to this man? Obviously, right now, more than anything, she wants to be loved. At any price. And that makes her vulnerable. The most insignificant attention from the male side begins to be perceived as sincere interest.
A person who becomes close over time reinforces his interest with actions that inspire confidence and a desire to meet him halfway. This interchange can lead to harmonious relationships, where both parties find a psychological balance. But the partner, for whom the relationship is just a game, reads the acute need of the other side for any manifestations of warmth and tenderness and does everything so that she tries to deserve it.
Such relationships are destructive. The feelings of a friend are skillfully manipulated, but she does not find the strength to admit it. Chances are you’ll hear endless stories about how callous and selfish he is.
However, to your reasonable question: “Is there anything happy in your relationship?” starts to protect him. “No, it’s not like that, most of the time we are good together!” It is pointless to argue: she will close up and stop talking about it. Deep down, she realizes that she is contradicting herself.
Why does a girl agree to stay with a man to whom she gives disproportionately more than what she receives in return? Because that’s the only way to get love. Previous experience, the foundations of which were laid in childhood, directs her to those who do not share feelings, but only reward them for something.
You won’t convince her that she’s living in destructive self-compromises and needs to get out of a toxic relationship as soon as possible. She must come to this decision herself. If you try to insist, it will only lead to one result — your quarrel.
What can you do for her?
1. Be patient
Sometimes we take a long time to make important decisions for us. A friend will have to realize that in a relationship she loses herself. It’s painful and difficult. Give her time.
2. Give support
You don’t have to agree with her decisions to make it clear that she can rely on you. When it is important for her to speak out, become a listener who does not give critical assessments. The more often she speaks openly about the painful aspects of the relationship, the faster she realizes the futility of their continuation.
3. Show respect
She does not get respect from the person she is in love with, and this is painful for her. Never criticize her partner — she will perceive any pressure from you as another devaluation of her feelings.
Initiate discussions on topics not related to personal life: work, hobbies, books. Let her know that her point of view is still important and interesting to you. Give thanks for the new things that she opens up for you, for what fills your life.
4. Treat her with attention and love
For various reasons, her idea of close relationships is deformed. Right now it is important for her to feel: you accept, appreciate and love her in any state, even if you sometimes disagree with her. Your love and care will help her gradually feel more confident and stronger.
About the Author: Tara Parker is a family and personal development coach.