I have a close friend, communication with whom has long been reduced to one scenario: she talks about how bad everything is, how badly she was treated once again, I listen, offer options, give advice, but … nothing happens. She does nothing, does not take any steps, and at the next meeting she starts crying again. To be honest, I don’t have any strength, but still she is my good friend … How can I cope with irritation with her?
Christina, 34 years old
Christina, you can’t even imagine how typical the situation for me as a psychologist you describe. A loved one complains about life, and it seems to you that you can help, you have a rough idea of what to do, what to do, because, for example, you yourself once experienced something similar.
You empathize with your friend, get involved, because you either remember how hard it was in a similar situation, or you can’t even imagine what it was like and want to get her out of there as soon as possible. But as time goes on, you hear the same story, acquiring new dramatic details. The characters in the friend’s stories continue to act just as badly or even worse towards her. You are even more fervently trying to participate in her fate, offering new solutions. And so many, many times. Now one of her words is already enough for you to understand what the next “horror story” will be about.
The thing is, some people don’t need solutions – they just like to live at the peak of tension. Paradoxically, this is the only way they feel that they are alive at all. You cannot take a person by the hand and lead him to another world – you can only show a possible way there.
You can say to close friends in plain text: “Look, it has already happened, and you have not changed anything. I suffer, listening to such stories, I feel powerless. Please only tell me about it again if you want real help, advice.” Of course, you know your girlfriend better and will be able to choose the right words.
You have every right not to tolerate when others use you as a vest, waste your time and do not want help with this. Irritation here is a sign that something is going wrong and you need to change the situation. Before the onset of irritation, simply leave the conversation or suggest another topic. Such conversations weaken and take away our precious time – try to keep this thought in mind.
Anger is difficult to deal with when we are already experiencing it. Act proactively: do not allow such situations.