The partner assures you that he turned the previous page of his life: he divorced a long time ago, or maybe his ex-wife is not alive at all. However, even if there are no contacts left between him and his longtime lover, this woman seems to be invisibly present between you. What to do if you cannot stop being jealous of a partner for his past, says psychotherapist Marina Myaus.
Oddly enough, if your partner’s ex-lover is no longer alive, this only complicates the situation. The psyche is arranged in such a way that in the event of a tragedy, it “takes out” only wonderful moments from memories that are held and carried through the whole life. It is as if the woman you love has passed away and is elevated to the rank of saints by the man, and you cannot interrupt your partner’s memories that hurt you and make you feel that the ex-wife is still dear to him.
However, even if she is alive and they no longer meet, the partner can sometimes talk about her, and you understand: he once had strong feelings for this woman. Driven by jealousy, you enter into an unspoken competition: find her on social networks, follow life and slowly begin to convince yourself that this is really a special woman – more beautiful, smart, charismatic. It is not for nothing that your man remembers only the best moments of their relationship, and when he talks about her, it seems even his voice changes.
Was she really special?
In addition to the fact that the human psyche is arranged selectively and we are pleased to remember only the most joyful episodes that warm us emotionally, we are not able to experience passionate love stories so often. After they are completed, we unconsciously try to heal the wounds and never return to them.
This means that your man cannot emotionally burn out with every woman close to him. The former love, which touched the heart strings so much, was not special – this woman just appeared in his life at the moment when he needed passionate feelings. We are offended when we understand: the emotional anguish and the brightness of the experiences went to another. And even if you do not talk about it directly with your partner, resentment causes you to provoke quarrels and scandals that destroy relationships.
What to do?
First of all, it is useful to ask yourself the question: why did I choose a man who is still internally not free? Why should I fight and compete with someone all the time, constantly prove something, overcome myself, be the best? Think about what can move you.
Often it comes from a family of origin in which you competed for the love of your mother with a brother or sister and felt that you were losing this competition. As an adult, you create similar situations by constantly participating in the battle for love and attention.
If you intend to develop a relationship, delicately emphasize all those points that bring you together.
Telling your partner that it hurts and hurts you to hear stories about his ex-lover and see her things does not always help. Even agreeing with you, a man can unconsciously return to the wave of memories. Do not try to criticize his ex: by doing so, you risk only causing rejection. However, if the person is dear to you and you intend to develop a relationship, delicately emphasize all those points that bring you together.
Find topics and activities that cement a common interest. This brings you back to the reality of today and paves the way for the future, in which there will be new, joyfully colored memories associated only with you.
About expert
Marina Myaus Cognitive therapist, family psychologist