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Growing up does not occur when children begin to put their pajamas in the closet on their own or hang a towel on the dryer, growing up occurs when the ability to take care of themselves and others arises, when routine duties become an integral part of existence. (Eda LeShan)
Children must work. Most often, they have access to housework. As a rule, the assigned duties are well performed if children see their necessity for family life and receive moral support and encouragement for their work. Wishing to give the child an assignment, parents should not insist on any one thing. Give freedom of choice. The child should not think that you are offering him a task that you do not want to do yourself. The child must understand that he is doing the work necessary for the well-being of the family. The assignment is not the easiest or most unpleasant, because he himself chose it.
In the event that parents oblige children to some kind of housework, children perceive the assignment as a punishment. If parents approach the distribution of responsibilities with a certain amount of freedom and humor, children accept this lifestyle of the family with pleasure. In Mark Twain’s immortal work, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer whitewashed the fence with such enthusiasm that all the neighborhood boys paid him for the opportunity to whitewash part of the fence. Most often, we forget about this story and do not think that work can bring real pleasure to children.
Fritjof Capra, a renowned physician and philosopher, in his book The Turning Point, points out the problems adults face in teaching children that doing daily chores is a good thing:
In the culture of human relations, there has long been a division of various types of work according to hierarchical affiliation. The lowest-status work is messy and monotonous, and therefore seems invisible at first glance. Such work includes preparing food that will be immediately eaten; cleaning of premises, the order in which will be quickly violated; trimming shrubs and mowing lawns that will grow back very soon. In our society, as in many other industrial cultures, jobs related to housework, public services and agriculture are occupied by members of national and ethnic minorities and women. The pay for such work is the lowest, but at the same time it is very important for our daily existence. The highest-status jobs are those of skyscraper designers, designers of spaceships and rockets, nuclear warheads, and other high technology. High status is also guaranteed to all people involved in high-tech administrative work, but this is not very popular.
Such a hierarchy in the popularity of works is contrary to spiritual traditions. Unordered works are very important for understanding the universe. For example, Buddhist monks use cooking, gardening, and housework for meditation. Christian monks have a long history of working in agriculture and showing mercy to the sick and suffering. It seems that the performance of monotonous work leads to an understanding of the universe. Monotonous work, requiring frequent performance, leads to an understanding of the cyclic structure of earthly processes. Blossoming and fading, birth and death are normal life processes. Ordinary, daily work leads to an understanding of the harmony of the universe.
The child, doing the same work day after day, learns that life itself is cyclical. The performance of routine work by a child contributes to the following:
- he learns to use his internal resources in his work, performing specific tasks on his own;
- he learns self-discipline;
- he learns to set goals for himself and develop certain skills that can help him achieve them;
- learns to solve complex problems both at the speculative and at the everyday level.
The appearance of the child’s own responsibilities makes him understand that he is an important member of his family, as he makes a feasible contribution to her life. Children need faith in their need for a family and are ready to help her with all the forces they have.
Better early than late
The best time for children to take on household chores is when children want to help the family. Such a desire, as a rule, appears at the age of two, when children are ready to do everything on their own. In our family, at the age of two, children began to make their own bed, at the age of three they helped to remove clean dishes from the dishwasher. At four, our children helped set the table, and at five, they helped dust and vacuum. At six years of age, children are able to carry out various tasks that they associate with play. As children grow older, responsibility for the tasks they perform increases and the ability to make decisions independently increases. By the time the children grow up and are about to leave the parental home, they will be fully able to solve their everyday problems.
In some cases, parents push their children to do household chores with bribes: «If you wash the dishes by the evening, I’ll give you a dollar.» You didn’t get paid for washing the dishes last night? So why should your child do it for money? In the event that a neighbor offers your child a job, most likely it will be paid. However, you should explain to your child that when doing homework, money is not the main thing. The main thing is to create coziness and comfort in your common home, so that all members of your family would be pleased to be in a clean and carefully furnished apartment.
Children should be encouraged carefully so as not to mislead them: doing good is profitable. This is not true. People do not always notice and appreciate the kindness of others; Moreover, one should not expect material rewards for good deeds.
You should not take on a job if it is not rewarded. Most of the things we do in our lives do not have a monetary reward, but this does not mean that they are not worth doing. Most parents do not receive money for raising their children, but they do. Some young parents feel that raising children is very difficult and are more willing to earn their «hard money» than to raise kids. In their opinion, making money is a more productive and profitable occupation than raising their own children.
The more and more significant the reward for work, the more effort you need to put into work. The merit of the deed is often disproportionate to the pay. Professional boxers get much more money for knocking out opponents than professional doctors who fight for the lives of people dying from ailments. Oscar Wilde wrote: «He who knows the price of any thing, most likely never thought about its value.»
If you do not want to pay the child, give him the freedom of choice. Children who are trained to receive money for any household chores they do, quickly realize that they should not do anything without rewards. Children raised on financial incentives, growing up, become dependent on solvent people. This is how people appear who are deprived of self-esteem and responsibility to conscience.
Teaching children to be rewarded for work done makes parents dependent on the amount offered for work done. «If you take out the trash can, I’ll give you a dollar.» An eleven-year-old child may answer you: “I already have enough money for movies. Grandma gave me ten dollars.” What will you do in this case? Cash incentives may or may not work.
The boy returned home from school, where they discussed the issue of money, prices, wages. The discussion made a deep impression on him. Mom asked him to pour a glass of milk. The son replied that he could do this only if his work was paid: the price is a dollar. The resourceful mother immediately realized that this game needed to be played by two, and said that the price of dinner was seven dollars. The boy quickly refused the “game” he offered.
How can you convince a child to throw away the contents of the trash can and still not pay him money? Here is a typical scene for many families: the child is sitting in front of the TV, and the mother shouts to him through three rooms: “Chris, take out the trash can!” No answer. «Christopher Stanley!» Mom is screaming even louder now, but there is still no answer.
Like a storm, the mother bursts into the living room where the boy is watching TV: “Christopher, you irresponsible child! Take your eyes off the TV. After all, you didn’t put your school uniform away. I already told you that if you don’t clean it up, I won’t be taking your clothes to the laundry anymore. And how many times have I asked you not to scatter peanut shells around the apartment? I don’t know what to do with you?» Christopher looked up at his mother and asked, «What are you talking about?» The boy is able to choose for himself the desired information. And the bucket is still in the kitchen.
Now, don’t shout across three rooms. Raising children does not bring obvious results instantly, it takes considerable effort and time. A child should not see a mother who does not hold back her emotions. Once you have your son fully focused on you, you should say to him in a calm voice, “Christopher, I need the trash can emptied before lunch. It would be nice if you did it right now.»
Before taking out the trash can, Christopher would like to watch a TV show. He knows that the bucket needs to be taken out before lunch and has a plan to carry out his intentions. Therefore, there is no need to remind him of this every minute.
Many of us tend to run away from home if things don’t go our way. This is the most irresponsible way out of the situation. We must teach our children to share common family concerns with us. It is very important to instill in children the idea that the house is common and all family members should work for its well-being.
Write a note to your child with just one word for what you want. In this case, that word is the word «garbage». Fold the note and place it next to your son’s cutlery. No extra words needed. Your written reminder and silence will do the trick.
Children need to feel positive and non-intrusive control over their lives. They expect two simple things from us: consistency and thoroughness. Children need parents who explain what this or that phenomenon means, what the parent’s words mean, or what the parents are going to do and how to act.
When my own children were younger, they always cleaned their beds before going to school. It happened that one of the children did not have time to make the bed. Despite this, I could not tell them: “You didn’t have time to make the bed, so you won’t go to school today.” Also, I have witnessed a ten-year-old child say, “I have an exam today. If I don’t make my bed in time, I risk staying at home.” In our family, children did not have to be reminded of unfinished business. Each of them had his own board, on which all the tasks and assignments planned for the day were recorded. Once the task was completed, it could be crossed out or simply erased from the board. Unfulfilled orders remained written on the board and constantly reminded of themselves. Thus, you do not have to remind the child about the undone.
In the event that during the day you encourage the child to make the bed, it becomes your problem, not the problem of the child. If the child chronically does not make his bed before going to school, do it for him, and tell him: “I have done your duty for you. Tell me, please, which of my duties would you prefer to perform instead of me tonight? Or, «You didn’t make your bed this morning, I did it for you, so you should make dinner.» In all cases, you must give the child freedom of choice, thus instilling a responsible attitude to the decision made independently.
Segregation of duties by gender
It is very important not to focus the attention of children on the so-called women’s and men’s work. Both boys and girls should be equally well educated in mowing the lawn, washing dishes, cleaning their rooms, laundry, cooking, sewing, shopping, and repairing minor household problems. Both boys and girls should be able to sit with the baby, wash the bath, weed the flower bed or garden, plant a plant. For a long time, housekeeping and cooking were considered women’s duties, earning money for the family and home repairs were considered men’s. With such a stereotypical approach, we run the risk of raising a girl with a firm attitude that her place is in the kitchen, and a boy who is able to solve only global problems and be constantly dependent on elementary washing and ironing. Children do not need lectures on gender role behavior, they just need an example of the free behavior of their parents, who can do various jobs around the house and outside it.
There are always jobs that one child prefers, while another tries to avoid them. I do not like to cook, and therefore often asked the children to do it. I always said: «If you cooked dinner, I could tidy up the rooms.» My children knew how to clean the rooms and how to cook food. The latter activity was more attractive for them than cleaning, so we introduced a conditional division of duties. Cleaning the tub was a duty that everyone in the family tried to evade without exception.
Take a close look at which housekeeping duties you enjoy doing and which your children enjoy doing. Certainly, such cases will be identified that will not be to the liking of any of the family members. At a family meeting, responsibilities should be distributed, including those jobs that do not like any of the family members. The house must be maintained in constant order by the forces of all family members. There must be rules of conduct in the family, which, on the one hand, are obligatory for everyone, and on the other hand, are not a dogma. The rules are set by family members, they can be improved or changed by them. Joint family life implies the ability to think, take a constructive approach to solving issues, and be responsible for the actions taken. At the same time, each family, like an individual, is individual, and there are no standard approaches to the division of responsibilities in the family.
Three ways to manipulate parents
When a child is caught mischievous and punishment becomes inevitable, he goes to tricks and tries to manipulate adults using three ways of behavior.
It is very important to know that not all children’s emotions, including tears and anger, are special tricks. Sadness and bitterness are also not tricks. Through tears and anger, words come to the surface that reflect the real state of the child. There are no rules that would allow determining the true intentions of the child, nevertheless, the feelings expressed by body movements, mimic muscles, expression of the eyes, voice and the words actually spoken by the child together express his true state. Attentive to children, intuitive parents are able to distinguish true feelings from manipulative behavior. See →
Constancy in the requirements for the child
What if the child does some work and, unfortunately, does it poorly? What if you went into the children’s bedroom and saw a mess there?
Some parents in such a situation cannot restrain themselves and, in a fit of anger, tear off the coverlet from the bed, throw something on the floor. Then scandalous cries are heard throughout the house. Others will fix and clean everything on their own, wanting to demonstrate their skills to the children.
Finally, the third type of parents, having entered the children’s bedroom and seeing the chaos reigning in it, take more air into the lungs, calm down and tell the child what he needs to do. See →
By making mistakes, children learn skills
All children learn new skills by making mistakes. Sorting linen for the laundry is not an easy task for ten-year-old Jane. There is no limit to her surprise and disappointment when, opening the washing machine door, she does not find white underwear, towels and socks. All former white underwear has a heterogeneous rich pink color. Jane, bewildered, begins sorting through the linen placed in the hopper of the machine. See →