Is your partner addicted to alcohol, drugs, games? If you have already understood that your relationship is not based on a healthy partnership, but on codependency, the question arises: what to do? Breaking these bonds is not easy. A 12-step program can help.
If your self-esteem depends on the approval of your partner, and his emotions and actions are always always more important than yours, your relationship may be codependent. “Codependency is “an unhealthy, inadequate, or dangerous need for another person; I would say that in such relationships fear and need prevails instead of love and abundance, ”says Andrea Miller, author of the book Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy and Lasting Love.
Codependent relationships are often built with people who have some form of addiction – alcohol, drugs, gambling. A 12-step program has been developed for addicts and their families. What are these steps and why are they so important?
12 step codependency recovery program
1 step. Admit your powerlessness
As long as the codependent is responsible for the dependent person, trying to save him, he loses control over his own life. The addict (of alcohol, drugs, games) admits to being powerless over the chemical or games to begin recovery. And a person suffering from emotional dependence on another (that is, co-dependent) needs to admit at the very beginning of his path his powerlessness in the face of an obsessive desire to control the life of another and influence his choices and decisions. Even if these choices and decisions destroy the life of a loved one.
2 step. To be honest
Just as a person who abuses alcohol can pretend to himself that he drinks “culturally”, so a co-dependent person can pretend that his immersion in the life of another person is a genuine concern. In fact, the codependent gets hung up on the other from the inability to be alone, to cope with what he has inside. It is always easier to pretend that everything is fine with me, but the problems of my loved ones are much more serious.
3 step. Ask for help
Having admitted that he is unable to control the situation with the power of his own “I”, the codependent (just like the dependent) thus recognizes the presence of another, decisive force that keeps him afloat and does not allow his personality to completely dissolve in the close (for dependents – in alcohol/drugs/gaming). The source of this power is determined individually – someone is healed by faith in God, someone is visiting groups for co-dependents, and some believe in the knowledge of psychotherapists who take part in their fate.
4 step. Get away from mythological thinking
Often codependents ignore problems, pretend they don’t exist. Facing reality is scary and they pretend like the circumstances aren’t as bad as they are. Likewise, substance addicts deny for a very long time that their substance cravings have become a real problem, without considering it necessary to seek help. It is necessary to focus on finding support and resources that will help you accept reality, maintain your integrity and withstand the harsh reality of the world.
5 step. Learn to identify your feelings and live with them
The inability to cope with their difficult feelings (such as anger, hatred, anger, guilt, shame, and others) often becomes the impetus to escape reality into the use of alcohol and drugs or games. Then dependence is a consequence of the inability to recognize, live and express their emotions. A person who is dependent on another person does not live his own life at all and does not know his feelings. He also does not know how to deal with them, cannot cope with them, and therefore it is easier for him to switch to another, to escape into the reality of his life.
6 step. Set boundaries
Normal boundaries are semi-permeable. People share with each other the contents of their inner world, this is a mutual and comfortable process for everyone. But in codependents, boundaries are violated. They may blame others for their thoughts, feelings, and actions, or they may take the blame for the thoughts, feelings, and actions of another person. A recovering person after using chemicals learns to say “no” to alcohol or drugs, to recognize the manipulation of former drinking buddies, to maintain self-respect regardless of the opinions of others. And a dependent on another person learns to say “no” to what does not suit him, does not correspond to his values and interests.
7 step. Restore the value of your self
A holistic, harmonious perception of one’s own Self, a confidently respectful attitude towards oneself are factors that strengthen a person in a position to live his life, his interests and desires, without focusing on something else. These same factors do not allow a recovering drug addict to expose himself to the humiliation of addiction, to destroy his mental and physical condition.
8 step. Learn to feel like the cause of what is happening
Both codependents and dependents perceive themselves as the object of influence of irresistible external forces. They do not understand the reasons for what is happening to them. Recovery begins at the moment when a person takes responsibility, realizes himself as the author of life.
9 step. Learn to react to events actively
The task at this stage is to learn to notice your feelings, thoughts and actions that arose reactively, that is, in response to the actions of a loved one who is addicted. It is necessary to strive from reaction to action, that is, to actions coming from oneself. To live in one’s own name, in accordance with one’s own interests, and ultimately in one’s own interests, without reference to the behavior of another person.
10 step. Build relationships with parents
Often, dependence on another appears when a person had a similar relationship with his parents or they did not give him due attention, care and warmth. And now the codependent chooses to “stick” to a loved one and try to make up for this lack of love. At this step, you need to work on the unfinished stories of your childhood, on parental instructions, on painful feelings coming from the past. Look at the parental family from the point of view of an adult mature person and approach the need to forgive parents.
11 step. Set your own goals
Setting your own goals supports the codependent in recovery because it shifts the focus from the other’s life to your own. The goal gives rise to interest in life, increases the level of mental energy and even improves health. When we have a desired goal, energy grows and multiplies. In this state, we are ready to give everything that has accumulated in our spiritual baggage in order to complete the work we have begun, to achieve what we want.
12 step. Restore the spiritual sphere of life
Spirituality is connected with the system of human relations and values. The most significant and valuable are relationships with oneself, with family, with society and with God. In the chemical or game addict, as the disease progresses, these relationships and the values associated with them are supplanted by the relationship with the chemical. And in codependents, they are replaced by pathologically altered relationships with a sick family member. Therefore, the restoration of the spiritual realm is a necessary step towards recovery from codependency.
About expert
Natalia Zhukova – Gestalt therapist, expert on the topic of addictions and co-dependent relationships. Her.