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When a loved one becomes too close, understandable and predictable, he loses his erotic appeal in our eyes. What if we look at it differently?
“We learned almost everything about each other in five years of living together. Absolute trust appeared between us, we learned to listen to each other calmly and attentively … but the desire was gone. Nina, 44, a lover of personal growth books and a frequenter of psychological training, talks about how the power of attraction changes in her marriage. As in many couples, a hormonal explosion of passion is followed by a period of detachment and conflict, when the temptation to give up on the relationship is so great: “We didn’t get along!”
For those who passed this test, a new stage begins: partners will have to maintain love and fidelity and not let intimacy, trust, unconditional acceptance of each other extinguish sexual desire. This is not easy to do, primarily because our desire is inherently contradictory.
According to the family psychotherapist Anna Varga, the essence is in the difference between the laws of love and attraction.
“Love exists where there is a sense of security, where everything is familiar. Desire requires surprise, surprise, uncertainty.
Love needs closeness, eroticism needs distance. Love grows stronger from mutual understanding and gratitude, and the element of desire is unpredictability.
To awaken it, the partner must somehow remain a stranger to the other. When a partner becomes too close, too predictable, his erotic aura dissipates, and the relationship of lovers turns into brotherly or parental.
“Many couples admit that they dream of returning the intensity of passion that they experienced after they met,” says Anna Varga. – They nostalgically recall the golden time, which did not last long! But this is natural: the intensity, the passion that was there in the beginning, cannot last long. This is how the law of the “power of duration” works: if it is very strong, then it is short.
Companions and accomplices
Does this mean that in order to save relations, we will have to come to terms with the inevitability and accept as a fact the extinction of the fire of our desire? “Not at all,” Anna Varga objects. – There are, for example, several clear rules that help to keep it.
Do not get too close, keep your personal space, but do not demand absolute openness from your partner either. Do not expect sex to satisfy all your fantasies – excessive expectations reduce attraction.
If there are children in the family, the spouses should try to leave the house together for a day once a week, so as not to fall into child-centrism.
Another important point: partners play many roles in a modern marriage. Everyone tries to be a relative, friend, father or mother, lover for the other.
“Attraction is difficult to maintain in such conditions,” the psychotherapist clarifies. “One of the ways to return desire is to give up other roles for a while, to remain only a lover or mistress.”
So that the attraction does not fade away, it is necessary to simultaneously listen to the partner and to yourself and keep the desire in yourself … to desire. However, one should not harbor illusions: nothing will work if there is no trust, sexual understanding, common plans, humor. Without them, any erotic recipes are powerless.
Thanks to family therapy, 51-year-old Lydia and Alexander realized that their closeness was poisoned by unspoken reproaches. “Sasha was offered a promotion twice, but he refused,” says Lydia. – And at that time I was finishing courses in landscape designers and switched to a part-time job at my main job. We barely made ends meet and were angry at each other. Needless to say, our sex life has stopped. But after a while we were able to talk about our feelings and together we began to think about what to do next. Trust reappeared, and over time, the desire returned.”
The power of touch
Taoists believe that sexual harmony can be achieved through touch: this is not just physical contact, but a process of energy exchange that awakens desire in a partner. Energetic and sensual touch should be as light as a feather and glide over the surface of the partner’s body, stimulating the nerve endings and attracting energy – this is what the ancient Taoist tradition teaches*.
In order to “wake up” a woman with touch, a man must remember that in the female body, sexual energy moves to the genitals from the limbs, head and heart. Therefore, he should start with the hands and feet and slowly move through the arms and legs to the torso. Then go to the woman’s head and go down her torso down to the genitals. According to the Taoist metaphor, yin energy is like water, flowing down the hills and valleys of the female body to its lowest point, the vagina.
To awaken a man’s sexual desire, you need to remember that his sexual energy is born in the penis and spreads throughout the body. Therefore, a woman should start with the penis, but only with light touches, and not with intense stimulation. She can then direct the man’s sexual energy from his sexual organs to his limbs and then through his torso to his head. The outflow of energy from the penis will give him the opportunity to better control his arousal and experience an orgasm of the whole body. When the sexual energy spreads throughout the body and reaches the heart, then he begins to perceive the love of a woman.
* Mantak Chia, Douglas Abrams, Rachel Abrams “Secrets of love for two.” Sofia, 2008.
We should not hope that the desire will return if we are not ready to talk with a partner about our feelings, to exchange emotions and impressions with him – intellectual, aesthetic or sensual. Discuss, argue, or just look at each other understandingly …
“If partners have few common experiences, entertainment and interests, their sex life will be mechanical and monotonous,” Anna Varga is sure. – At the beginning of a relationship, the energy of our desire is fueled by discoveries. Discovery of new facets of the partner’s personality and discoveries that we make together with him. Over time, the partner becomes less and less mysterious, but the field for discoveries that can be made together remains boundless.
The couple should have experience of living together in a variety of circumstances and situations. They should talk about themselves, not allowing, however, complete nudity. And of course, the spouses should have a common picture of a favorable future – near and far. “The thought that we will go on vacation or equip a summer house, buy a new car, or finally gather friends at the end of the month at the end of the month, saturates and gives value to relationships,” the psychotherapist explains.
Sixteen years together, two children. The life of 45-year-old Alla and 46-year-old Viktor was again filled with passion and mutual attraction when they decided to move to the shores of the Sea of Azov. “A year has passed since then. We still live in Samara. But when we started making plans together, we had to discuss all our fears, doubts, true desires. It really brought us closer. We communicate again – a lot and interestingly: jokes that only the two of us understand, discussions, disputes. Communication has become lively and relaxed … And sex too!
far and near
A clear idea of what we ourselves give to a partner (attention, respect, sexual interest) and what we would like to receive in return helps to renew the desire and not let it fade away. Indeed, in fact, the goal is not to return an old love, but to fall in love with a person with whom we have been living together for several years in a new way.
If we understand how important (and necessary) the distance that separates us is, we will be better able to appreciate the beautiful moments of closeness.
Routine has no power over us as long as we look at life as a journey. In the morning, everyone leaves the house on a new day, as a sailor goes to the open sea, and in the evening he returns home with a catch. If we understand how important (and necessary) the distance that separates us, we will be better able to appreciate the beautiful moments of closeness. Without closeness there is no tenderness, and without distance there is no novelty.
When our view of the closest person changes, a new stage begins in the relationship. Sometimes someone else’s interested look at a partner makes us wake up, and sometimes we do it by an effort of will. “This is solved by changing the roles, format or design of communication, and you don’t have to spare time and effort for this,” Anna Varga is convinced.
When we begin to be interested in a partner again, we ask him questions about his tastes, plans and desires, and in response we share our innermost, we bring something new into the relationship. So, for the sake of a joke, 43-year-old Nina began to address her husband, 45-year-old Dmitry, as “you”, as when they first met. And in their relationship there was something exciting, a new game. Sometimes it takes so little to surprise each other again.
Save the Desire: Five Priorities
“Knowing yourself and your partner well, sharing emotions, ideas and fantasies, respecting the dissimilarity of two – all this will help awaken desire in yourself,” explains family therapist Anna Varga.
Consider a couple as a living being
No matter how many years we live together, the partner does not become our inalienable property, and the relationship does not remain unchanged. When we stop reconsidering our opinions and ideas, when habits take over us, boredom settles in relationships, and desire falls asleep. Moving forward is always ups and downs, and sometimes crises. But all the same, in a pair, as in the Universe, movement is a synonym for development and life itself.
Recognize differences
“I am not he (not she).” “I have a different story, a different life experience”… If we regularly remind ourselves of these simple truths, they will save us from poisonous projections and accusations, and in addition, will not let desire fade away. After all, in a loved one, we are most attracted to what we ourselves lack.
Communicate Sincerely
Do not be afraid to talk about yourself – to express your expectations, difficulties, doubts in an open conversation … Easy communication not only brings together, but also dispels misunderstandings, resentments and causes for conflicts.
Make joint plans
They can be of any scale. The main thing is that everyone feels their importance and independence during their implementation.
Establish contact
Physical intimacy in all its various guises—tenderness, sensuality, sex—is the basis for intimacy in a relationship. There are ebbs and flows here, we are moving away from each other, then we are approaching again. And always bodily contact helps to maintain a close and trusting relationship in which the fire of desire does not go out.