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One day the child begins to explore his body. He tries to understand what he enjoys and what he dislikes. This is a natural curiosity, because from an early age we strive to understand our sexuality. But not all parents agree with this: they try to control the sexual development of children with the help of prohibitions and punishments. Why shouldn’t this be done?
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“How it happens”: the experience of readers
“My 13-year-old son and I lived in my grandmother’s country house. And she was so worried that her grandson might start touching himself that she spied on the boy when he washed in the shower. So the grandmother hoped to catch the moment when it would be necessary to intervene and “stop the disgrace.”
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“I had a case in the camp. My neighbor girl and I, both 9 years old, got bored after lights out. So we bent our legs and made a tent with a blanket and started playing with dolls there. They didn’t do anything shameful. The nanny who ran in yelled that we were perverts (we didn’t know such words then!), pulled off the blanket and began to scold us. We did not understand why, – we thought, because we do not sleep and play. After that, another girl refused to be friends with me: she told her mother about what happened on parental day, and she, apparently, also told her that I was a pervert.
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“I was 12 years old, and then I just started to study my body. I tried different things, and one day my mother caught me doing this. She beat me with a rag, said that I was a sinner. Now I am not married, I live with her. And even though I’m in my forties, my mom still won’t let me close the door to my room. The only place where I can retire is the bathroom. I fought back my right to wash as much as I wish with great difficulty … “
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“One day — I was about 10 years old — my mother started talking about sex and my body. She said for almost an hour that girls might have “all sorts of such” thoughts. And that you should never do anything like that. Mom couldn’t call a spade a spade. I only later found out what “such” is masturbation. Mom inspired me that because of masturbation I would go crazy, get thrush, gonorrhea and other terrible diseases. I thought for a long time that this was true.”
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“Until the age of 12, I spent my holidays with my grandmother. When we went to bed in the afternoon or in the evening, I liked to pinch the blanket between my legs, and then I wanted to go to the toilet. Naturally, I didn’t really understand what was going on. Grandmother would not let me in, she made sure that I lay calmly, and she was very angry with me. I didn’t understand then what it all meant, and I was ashamed.”
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“I have a brother. When my period began, my mother said that now I must take special care of myself, otherwise, with the onset of puberty, many girls become walkers. Another thing is a brother – he is a boy, he can be experimented with. It seems that my mother still thinks so.
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“From the age of three, my parents made comments when I touched the genitals. They said that I would not grow up, that my palms would be hairy (I hope, in jest!), That I would become a pervert. But, as far as I remember, it didn’t help much. Then they beat me on the hands and smeared my fingers with mustard.”
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“The neighbor boy, when we were 9 years old, called me into the forest and showed me“ his ”, and I showed“ mine. When I told my mother what we were doing, I heard a lot of “pleasant” words addressed to me. I was told that I am dirty and vicious, and the boy is crazy, so you should not approach him.
Reasons for parental prohibitions and their consequences
In childhood, touching yourself is almost the only way to interact with the body, and a lot depends on what this contact will be like and whether it will be at all. But for many parents, this is very scary, although the child is simply exploring himself. It is important to teach children to treat the naked body without fear and prejudice, to calmly answer their questions about the genitals and intimate life (of course, given the age of the child).
“Adults have a huge influence on how a child relates to his own body. They teach him to show emotions and feelings, explain what sex and pleasure are. At the same time, children not only listen to what adults say, but also read their non-verbal reactions. Even tense silence can affect a child’s behavior in the future,” explains psychologist Nina Bocharova.
What are the dangers of intimidation, prohibitions and punishments? They can:
- cause serious harm to the psychosexual development of the child
- affect his self-esteem
- form a rejection of one’s own body
- lead to psychological trauma
- provoke fear of feelings and emotions in adulthood
In addition, such aggressive behavior towards a child can lead to deviant behavior. Subsequently, he may be violent towards other people.
Why do adults react so negatively to children exploring their bodies and sexuality? Because of the lack of freedom of adults themselves: most likely, they have their own traumatic experience, obtained as a result of prohibitions from childhood. They could not show and study their sexuality, so they transfer their fears and experiences to children, passing on anxiety and complexes. They do not know how else to act in such a situation.
What should parents do if the child shows interest in his body
Children’s attitudes towards their own bodies, sexuality, and relationships between the sexes change with their age. Accordingly, the behavior of the parent should depend on the stage of growing up at which the child is located.
From 1,5 to 5 years:
Allow your child to explore his body and ask questions. Parents must learn to accept the feelings and experiences of children without devaluing them. It is necessary to explain to the child how the body works and what its parts are called, how to take care of them so as not to get sick. It is also worth talking about the boundaries of the body and why it is important to protect them. The “underwear rule” will help to talk about this: it says that other people should not touch those parts of the child’s body that are covered by underwear. And the child should not, in turn, touch the same body parts of other people. An exception can be made only for parents and a doctor (but also in the presence of parents).
From 6 to 11 years:
It is necessary to tell the children how the relationship between a man and a woman develops, what feelings they have for each other. And show by example how to communicate with a partner. When a child sees mom and dad hugging, their tenderness and love, it is easier for him to show his feelings. In addition, he acquires an adequate idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbhealthy sexual relationships. Naturally, it is important not to overdo it: the child should not be a witness to intimate relationships between adults.
From 12 to 18 years:
The psychosexual development of a teenager reaches its peak: the period of puberty and hormonal storms begin. At this time, he is aware of his sexuality. To maintain mutual trust, parents should be open to talking about something intimate if necessary. And also to show understanding of the natural manifestation of the psycho-emotional development of the child.
The main thing to remember is that a careful attitude to the psychosexual development of a child will allow him to form a healthy sexuality, gain inner freedom and simply become self-confident.
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About expert
Nina Bocharova – psychologist, hypnotherapist, emotionally imaginative therapist, certified trainer, career coach. Her .