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Remarks and attacks sting each of us, but women are stronger than men, because girls are taught from early childhood to be softer, more compliant, “like”. How to respond to criticism without losing confidence? Four hints.
It turns out that managers assess how men and women work at work differently. A recent study in which managers of 28 companies evaluated their subordinates found two major differences (1). Female employees received several times more negative comments than male employees. At the same time, in the majority of negative reviews about the female part of the staff (76%), there was criticism of the woman’s personality, and not her work (“too harsh”, “loud”, “unfriendly”). In contrast, only 2% of negative reviews about male employees contained criticism of their personality.
“On the one hand, women at work are traditionally expected to be sweet, soft and everyone likes them,” Tara Mohr, business coach and expert on women’s leadership, comments on the results of the study. On the other hand, in order to do their job competently, they must make sometimes tough, unpopular decisions. The sensations are not pleasant – all the time you seem to be walking over the abyss on a tightly stretched rope.
According to Moore, the research also shows that if a woman wants to do what she loves and achieve results, she needs to get used to criticism – and be ready for negative feedback not only about her work, but about herself. “In my coaching practice, I often meet women who are afraid to voice their ideas or hesitate to take on a project that is important to them, because they are so dependent on the approval or condemnation of others,” says Tara Moor.
There are two reasons, according to the expert. First of all, education: from childhood, women are taught “not to rock the boat”, to be pleasant, sweet, compliant, to try to arouse sympathy. By adolescence, the typical girl has already watched hundreds of films, TV shows and commercials in which the fate of a woman depends not on her own decisions, but on how others perceive her. And the young woman willy-nilly learns the message: what other people think and say about us matters a lot.
There is another, deeper factor on which a woman’s attitude to criticism and praise depends. For centuries, the fairer sex could not ensure their own security – either physically, on their own, or with the help of law or money. “In a patriarchal society, we could not rely on the law if we faced the threat of violence, we did not have the financial means to flee or protect ourselves and our children, because we did not have the right to own property,” recalls the main milestones of the struggle for women’s rights Tara Moore. “So one of the main strategies for the survival of the female half of humanity has developed – to be nice, or at least try to be accepted. Many women around the globe still live in this reality. We are numb with horror because of disapproval, criticism, rejection – at such moments it even seems to many that their lives are in danger – because for centuries it has been so.
Read more:
- At work, I can’t stand criticism.
The decision is to accept the inevitable: any worthwhile work, innovative thought, ambiguous decision entails not only praise, but also attacks, especially if you are a woman. At the same time, unlike men, women are often criticized not for specific aspects of work, but go to the individual – first of all, appearance. It is necessary to consciously develop “thick-skinned” – a calm, expected reaction to criticism. Here are some ways to do it.
1. Look for role models – women who delight you with their demeanor in difficult circumstances. In a critical situation, you can imagine how she would behave, what she would answer in your place – this will give strength. For example, Hillary Clinton causes hatred in some and admiration in others, but one thing cannot be taken away from her – she knows how to put ill-wishers in their place. Once, when, due to several long flights in a row, a politician appeared at a press conference without makeup, wearing glasses and not having a perfect haircut, almost the entire American press began to discuss her appearance. In an interview with CNN, Hillary calmly rebuffed the attacks: “I’ve reached the age where you feel incredible liberation. If I want to wear glasses, I put them on. If I want to put my hair behind my ears, I do it. You see, at some point all this ceases to be of great importance – you don’t want to spend a lot of time and effort on nonsense. If others care so much about how I look, well, let them worry for a change.
2. Move the arrows – instead. To take negative feedback to heart, use it as a source of information about the person who gave it, their beliefs, interests, and preferences. Let’s say that five investors refuse to invest in your business project says nothing about the quality of your business idea or your suitability for doing business. He says only that these investors are looking for another project. And if they, on the contrary, liked your business presentation? Again, this doesn’t add value to you as an entrepreneur – it’s just that your interests are aligned. In other words, any feedback is useful as it provides an opportunity to learn about the people we want to attract. By rethinking your attitude to criticism in this vein, you will learn to filter out useful information without reacting violently to praise or rejection.
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- How to respond to criticism
3. Focus on the essentials. The famous American comedian Tina Fey suggests to all working women: “When you are criticized for appearance, age, just for being a woman, ask yourself the question:” Is this person standing between me and what I want to achieve? If the answer is no, ignore his words and move on. So you will save energy for your work and will not waste time on people who are worthless in your life.
4. Face your insecurities. Often we are afraid of some particular type of criticism that we have experienced in the past – for example, many women are paralyzed by blunt attacks on their appearance. In this case, it is worth asking yourself: “Does this criticism in some way reflect what I think of myself? When and why did this negative self-image appear? Does it reflect the truth? If a woman is petrified when she is told that she is not smart enough, most likely she doubts herself about this. If she feels hurt because of remarks about her appearance, she must be ashamed of her own body. By groping for the roots of our complexes and replacing them with a more accurate vision of ourselves in the present, we can free ourselves from the fear of criticism.
Finally, another quote from Hillary Clinton about criticism. “I see too many young women around who are undeservedly harsh on themselves. They underestimate themselves. They take criticism to heart instead of analyzing it without emotion. You need to learn how to analyze criticism, because that’s the only way you can get something out of it and not let it destroy you. You need to be flexible, resilient and life-loving in order to keep moving forward, no matter what personal failures, losses and insults you meet along the way. Rescues a sense of humor in relation to oneself and others. Believe me, I have earned this knowledge with blood – it does not come down one morning like an insight. No, it’s a process, working on yourself day after day.”