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The child feels bad, the employee feels incompetent, the mother feels unsuccessful… By understanding why we blame ourselves, we can find the right strategies to no longer suffer and part with guilt. If not forever, then for a long time.
Looking for flaws in oneself, worrying about one’s own inferiority, perhaps imaginary, is the lot of many of us, and even psychotherapists. “I never completely got rid of the idea learned from childhood that I should please my neighbors,” admits family psychologist Elena Ulitova. When I don’t live up to this idea, my inner critic attacks and blames me. This is a painful experience! Professional psychotherapy has taught me to understand what is happening and to recognize this “voice”, but it is not possible to silence it.”
And psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle recalls: “All my childhood I felt wrong. Every second I had to think about how not to offend someone. I later discovered—to my deep relief—that this is not uncommon. And in my work, I notice that this feeling is one of the most common and at the same time difficult for those who experience it.
Psychology is mostly concerned with “illegitimate” guilt that torments us for no good reason, rather than the real, justified one that a swindler and murderer experiences.
By the way, some criminals feel they have the right to break the law. And some of the victims of aggression torment themselves with reproaches: they did not defend themselves well enough, they should have been more careful, dressed differently …
Anxious perfection
According to Freud, guilt arises from anxiety: our little “I” experiences it every time the “Super-I”, the voice of conscience, requires it to be perfect. The more we want to become perfect, worthy of love, the more we are condemned by our inner judge. Because of him, we treat ourselves as worthless.
But from time to time to feel weak, unable to do anything is absolutely normal, because that’s how we were in childhood.
childhood legacy
But why are some people more prone to guilt than others? An authoritarian parenting based on emotional blackmail makes us vulnerable. But even someone who has not been subjected to psychological violence may suffer from feelings of guilt. We assimilate the ideal image that our parents broadcast to us. From them we learn what we need to be to be considered good. It is not uncommon for an outwardly calm father or mother to raise children tormented by feelings of guilt: children absorb the unconscious ideas of their parents.
“Every child knows how to “please” mom and dad so that they accept him and take care of him, explains Elena Ulitova. “Parents don’t have to be emotional for a child to feel their disapproval.”
The habit of comparing yourself to others increases guilt
The child may feel guilty not only for what he did or did not do, but also for what he thought. Or blame yourself for not feeling what is expected of him: for example, gratitude for gifts or love for family members. Often the appearance of guilt is associated with the birth of a younger brother or sister.
“A human being is designed in such a way that from a very young age he looks for the cause of every event,” explains Virginie Meggle. – The older child sometimes thinks that the parents decided to have a new baby, because he himself is not able to satisfy them or did something wrong. Subsequently, we are compared with brothers and sisters, and not always in our favor. Especially if the parents themselves create a rivalry relationship: “Look, your sister is always smiling …”
The habit of comparing yourself to others (at school, at work) increases guilt. Constantly evaluating ourselves – “I’m better than him”, “I’m not so good” – we forget to be ourselves.
“I separated myself from family shame”
Evgenia, 47 years old
I always had the feeling that I was superfluous, that I was in the way: guilt for the fact that I exist. The worst was on the weekends, when I saw how my mother was in a hurry and had a lot of time, and I seemed to be useless.
I grew up feeling like I didn’t deserve to be happy, surprised when shiny boys were interested in me. When I started working, I hesitated to ask for an adequate salary or a raise. And at the same time, she was angry with herself for her passivity, her lack of ambition. Somewhere deep inside I knew that something was wrong in my head.
Short-term behavioral therapy has taught me to identify pejorative and “guilty” thoughts and not let them take over. I no longer fall into this trap. Then I wanted to understand where these thoughts came from. I realized that my upbringing played a huge role in my tendency to sink into feelings of guilt. But I suspected there was another reason.
I turned to psychoanalysis, and then a family secret surfaced: my paternal grandfather, who was talked about as a hero, did not behave heroically at all. A carefully hidden shame for him, I unconsciously internalized. It took me several years to separate myself from this poisoned legacy. But now I have made peace with myself.
Looking for a way out
Tormented from the inside, we are looking for a way out. How to get rid of eternal guilt? We try to act like a saint who has no desires of his own, but we don’t succeed very well. The more we ignore our desires, push out unworthy thoughts, the more sacrifices the “Super-I” requires. When we have a real reason to be angry with ourselves, it paradoxically calms us, albeit for a little while.
38-year-old Larisa, tired of denying accusations of infidelity, started an affair. “The fortune teller told my husband that I would betray him. He was always jealous, and then he began to follow me. So several months passed, I began to feel dirty. And something happened that should have happened … But I believe that not only I am to blame – he too!
Blame-shifting is one of the most popular guilt-avoidance strategies. “I’m not late, but you set the wrong time.” “I broke your favorite vase, but you yourself put it on the edge of the table!” Alas, it is not very good to get rid of one’s suffering at the expense of others. Moreover, there is a risk that our guilt will be doubled: we will be guilty of both a mistake and a refusal to admit it.
We are responsible for our actions if we do not avoid their consequences and do not assume that we are necessarily doing bad things.
There is another method, not so cruel in relation to others: to hide from guilt behind the idea of omnipotence. This is what the hero of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty does: a modest little man, crushed by his environment, comes up with scenarios in which he becomes a hero. But the feeling of insignificance returns, and we soon have to reproach ourselves for ridiculous dreams.
To free yourself from the burden of guilt, you need to find or regain the pleasure of being yourself. The philosopher Benedict Spinoza noticed that many of our mistakes come from comparison. A blind person looks worse only against the background of a sighted one – especially if we take as a basis that being human means seeing well, he says. But if you stop comparing, then a blind man can be “perfect” in himself. The first step to coming to terms with yourself is to stop thinking in terms of “I am more than someone else” and “I am less than someone else.” “I am, I exist” – that’s all.
Accept your responsibility
To use emotional energy more creatively, Virginie Meggle suggests moving from “I should” to “I can.”
“We often forget the distinction between guilt and responsibility,” she warns, “as if, in admitting ourselves responsible for something, we inevitably had to declare ourselves unworthy. But responsibility means something else: we are aware of our actions, do not avoid their consequences, and do not assume that we are necessarily doing bad things. Moreover, responsibility, that is, my conscious recognition of my role in what is happening to me, is the opposite of guilt.
For example, I didn’t call my grandmother for weeks. Instead of making excuses (“I don’t have time, I’m working”), beating myself up (“I’m ungrateful”), or downplaying (“It’s okay”), I will think about how I feel about her, about my desire to be or not to be. next to her. This is the responsibility: to reject lies and recognize the motives underlying actions.
Take care of yourself
No one can get rid of guilt on their own. “This requires self-care, but most of us do not even have it at the level of an idea,” emphasizes Elena Ulitova. In one experiment, participants were asked to name those they care about. And few people named themselves among the objects of care.
Until recently, everyone repeated that “I” is the last letter of the alphabet. Only recently have young progressive parents begun to instill in their children the idea “I can be the object of my own care.” And adults should help someone else. Most often it is a psychotherapist, a coach, a book on psychology.
You can work on yourself at any age – it is enough to have desire, curiosity and self-knowledge
A confidential conversation with a sensitive and intelligent interlocutor who accepts us without judgment or judgment can help us meet with ourselves.
“Feeling that we are being listened to, we can strengthen ourselves in life and feel ourselves in our place,” says Virginie Meggle. “At the same time, we learn to show goodwill and sincerity towards ourselves. We stop striving to please everyone, and when the time comes and we meet someone who really wants to please, we will feel it. We will learn to forgive ourselves. And do what you can.”
For a sustainable result, we should also reconsider our relationships with others: we will get rid of guilt when we stop seeing them as rivals and witnesses of our mediocrity.
You can work on yourself at any age – enough desire, curiosity and self-knowledge. Of course, such work will not be able to completely eliminate the feeling of guilt: from time to time it will return and disturb us again. But we can no longer waste energy on it and will not feel like its powerless victims.