A feeling of annoyance, irritation, caused by the luck, success, well-being of another, accompanied by a desire to possess what the other has – this is how the word “envy” is explained by the Big Explanatory Dictionary. And if we believe that we do not experience this feeling, it is quite possible that we simply do not realize this or do not allow ourselves “bad emotions”.
Minute self-criticism
Imagine that a teenage son is about to drop out of school for poor progress and skip preparation for the exam. And with friends, the boy is an excellent student, he entered a free department at a prestigious university. Doesn’t irritation stir in your soul? And what does an abandoned woman experience after a failed romance, looking at a happy friend and her husband who adores her?
How many people are able to simply be happy for others in such situations? Why is it not so easy? Does the success of someone else’s child against the backdrop of their own problems make mother and father feel like bad parents? Does the happy love of a friend exacerbate feelings of pain and loneliness?
Often, envy turns into an even more “ugly” experience – gloating. The excellent student did not pass the exam and flew out of the university. A friend’s husband is cheating on her with a colleague. It’s terrible, but we feel that we like it … Admitting to yourself in gloating is even more difficult than in envy. But others may well “read” in our words and facial expressions that we are experiencing. And it is unlikely that this will strengthen relationships, arouse the sympathy of acquaintances and relatives, or attract new friends. After all, being envious is quite unpleasant and destructive.
Therefore, even out of “reasonable egoism”, taking care of our peace of mind and psychological comfort, we strive to get rid of destructive experiences. But a simple denial will not achieve this – alas, it does not work that way. You will have to work hard and devote some time to reflection, delve into yourself. However, it is always nice to talk to an interesting interlocutor – let’s hope that we ourselves are always interesting.
“Cure” for envy
Status
According to cognitive behavioral therapist Robert Leahy, envy is always associated with the feeling that another person’s success threatens our status. Perhaps this is the status of a “good parent” or “a woman worthy of love”, or whatever option you like, depending on the situation in which envy arises. And for starters, Leahy suggests realizing that status is a relative concept and is evaluated subjectively.
Moreover, its significance for our well-being is rather illusory. It is we who attach special value to it. And since we give, then we can “take away” it, or at least reduce the level of this value. How to do it? Consider our repertoire of possible responses when we feel our status is inferior to someone else’s.
The easiest option is to focus on our other strengths, to pay special attention to those areas of life in which we feel successful. Yes, my son skips classes. But then he helps with his younger sister or cooks well. Doesn’t that mean we’re still “good parents”? Alas, the recent romance ended sadly. But the “first love” still sends touching congratulations and likes photos on the social network.
Changing Beliefs
A representative of the cognitive-behavioral direction of psychotherapy, Leahy suggests changing emotions through changing beliefs. Instead of beating yourself up as a “bad person” who is jealous of someone, you can live your emotions without identifying with them. We are not the same as our envy. Envy is not an invariable component of our “I”.
Professor of Psychology and Cognitive Sciences Susan Kraus Whitborn suggests asking yourself 6 questions and answering them as honestly as possible:
- Do you complain about those you envy?
- Are you talking nasty things about them?
- Do you avoid these people?
- Have you tried to achieve the same thing that you envy from them?
- How often do you think about your jealousy?
- Do you beat yourself up for this feeling?
And if anyone still has doubts that envy has a destructive effect on us and on our relationship with the world, the answers will help to see the situation more clearly.
6 steps to freedom
Once we are convinced of the need for constructive change, we can use the 6 steps principle proposed by Professor Whitburn based on the methodology of Robert Leahy.
- Stop Complaining. It does not decorate anyone and alienates a person from others.
- Don’t underestimate other people’s successes. Keep your critical eye to yourself. Such statements can expose you to others as an unfair and unpleasant person.
- Don’t avoid those who make you jealous. Perhaps you will have something to learn from them and also achieve success.
- Do not give up. Otherwise, you may lose the benefits that work or other activities give you, in which you still feel like a “loser”.
- Do not twist negative thoughts in your head. Focusing on envy can lead to depression. Accept your emotions as a fact and try to direct them in a direction that is useful for you – to develop missing skills, for example.
- Don’t criticize yourself. Not because you are jealous, not because someone is better than you in something. This will only make you feel worse. Therefore, it is better to focus on your strengths – you definitely have them.
In the experience of Robert Leahy, these tips and the desire of clients to cope with envy in themselves help to change this experience and even turn it into admiration. From the point of view of our own interests, this feeling is much more productive. Being inspired by a more successful example, we can discover new ways for our development. While envy can lead us to depression and hostility. Neither one nor the other, obviously, brings benefits.