Get better with love

Shouldn’t you count on a successful union if you haven’t solved your own internal problems? Today this view is one of the most common. In fact, this is not entirely true: close relationships have a therapeutic effect and can help get rid of personal neuroses, heal many emotional wounds.

“Confidential communication always heals,” says family psychotherapist Anna Varga, “all psychotherapeutic ideas are built on this.” The desire to understand your chosen one, to put yourself in his place, to make him happy, awakens the best feelings in us, giving us a chance to change. It is in our interest to use it.

Review schemas learned in childhood

Everyone brings their childhood into a new, adult life: the usual roles that were played in the parental family, the way of life, individual words and intonations. For example, we may not realize that in any conflict we behave the way our parents did. People around you may react in different ways, but it is in constant close relationships that there is a chance to realize your own characteristics and learn new ways of behavior.

“When we quarrel with my husband, I sometimes find myself acting like a mother,” admits 24-year-old Vika. — I repeat her words, involuntarily copy intonation, gestures — in the same way she always reproached dad. But dad is a very accommodating person, and my Igor cannot stand screaming and immediately leaves the house. One day it seemed to me that he would never return. And now, as soon as I notice that during a quarrel my mother “turns on” in me, I try to pull myself together.

Patterns of behavior learned in early childhood seem to be the only possible ones. And thanks to a loved one who gives us invaluable feedback every day, we become more flexible, more free to choose the way to behave in any relationship and situation.

“Imitation of parents is natural, and there is nothing wrong with it,” says psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. — Growing up, the child forms himself, consistently trying on different models of behavior, primarily parental ones. But if the power of the model becomes strong and it begins to control our lives, it is necessary to free ourselves from the influence.

“My father was much older than my mother and took great care of us,” says Olga. I was 15 when he died. Five years later, I met Mark, he was 40. I knew that I was looking for in him what my father gave me — reliability and tenderness, and I was ready to remain weak, obedient, live in the shadow of my husband.

But Mark wasn’t going to act like my father, he wanted me to have a career, not just a home. I felt that I would disappoint him if I was too timid and it would hurt our relationship. Our union allowed me to take place professionally, I alone would not have been able to do it. A loved one also carries a personal story, only his family was different. When two people begin to build a life together, each has at its disposal both their own experience and the experience of a partner.

Understand that the other person is different

People tend to paint in their imagination a portrait of another person, and our idea of ​​him is always different from reality, from his sense of self. This is especially noticeable when we are in love, fascinated. If we learn even with loving eyes to see a real person and recognize his difference from us, then in any other relationship — with people of other social groups, other cultures, views — it will be easier for us to establish contact, not get annoyed and not adjust the other to our ideas about German

“My friends considered our marriage a misalliance,” says Rimma. — I am an art historian, now I am studying law, but Oleg does not have a higher education. But I joke that my two educations are enough for our family. And Oleg understands me in a way that none of my previous men understood. With him, I became much calmer and more confident in myself.

In addition, he has a real passion for cars, thanks to him I feel much freer behind the wheel. And if earlier I was a little jarred that he did not understand painting at all, now I take it calmly. Just sometimes, leafing through some album, I tell Oleg that it is interesting.

“In marriage, there are two different people, two different lifestyles,” says Jungian psychoanalyst Stanislav Raevsky. — Communicating with a representative of a different culture, we usually hope that this communication will be interesting and useful for us. The same thing happens in a marital relationship: first, a person sees the behavior of his partner, recognizes his beliefs and may begin to experience irritation when other views are revealed, unusual words are heard.

But if we can look at ourselves through the eyes of a partner, then we can develop, and not remain in the grip of the past and our own limitations.

When we begin to recognize the real qualities of our partner, love his real one, with real desires, character traits, habits, see him as a separate personality from himself, the relationship becomes more mature and deep.

From complete merger to synergy

Many of us are familiar with this happy state: you and I are one, all feelings, thoughts and deeds are common to us. At the beginning of a relationship, almost every couple goes through this stage of merging. But too strong a desire to merge with another can delay and dissolve both: their connection will begin to develop according to the principle “not relationships for people, but people for relationships.”

In such an alliance, the partner no longer supports, but limits the freedom of the other and their own, it becomes difficult for both to realize their feelings, to make independent decisions. “If it seems to a person that he was an unloved child, he will associate all his expectations with love,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “But the relationship should not be limited to this feeling alone, otherwise it will not cure anything.”

On the other hand, it is in a loving couple that there is a chance to build and learn to appreciate their own personality, to answer the question «Who am I?». And help in this … conflicts.

“I met Ivan at the university,” says Irina. — It was love at first sight. We did not part — we had common activities, hobbies, a common passion for horses. When we received our diplomas, we had to spend a lot of time apart … quarrels began. Each was frightened by the independence enjoyed by the other. It was scary that he would find other interests and pleasures on the side.

We broke up, for some time each lived his own life. But five years later, we found that we were still dear to each other. Now we are together again: if the freedom of another person is respected, changes in a loved one will not cause such anxiety and fear.

“If interests clash or expectations are not met, there is no need to be afraid that this will destroy the relationship,” says Anna Varga. — In any relationship, including in love, there is always a fear of being rejected, of doing something wrong.

If it is too strong, a person may become faceless, afraid to express his opinion, present his needs and desires, or do this only when he knows for sure that he will be perceived positively. This can take on severe forms — the one to whom they adapt suddenly realizes that he has no one to love, the person who was nearby has lost his features, has become a shadow.

When partners understand that they can exist not only together, but also separately, this prolongs the life of their relationship.

“The union is more likely to be durable if each of the partners respects himself sufficiently,” says Stanislav Raevsky. — And if people take risks, transforming their relationships, such an alliance can change them for the better. A partner is a loving mirror. It shows you to you, but at the same time it does not evaluate, does not condemn, does not laugh. A marriage that helps partners develop is like a kind of tango — something between sports and dance.

Feeling as a reason for change

It would be a mistake to consider living together as a panacea for any neurosis, and the wedding ring as omnipotent. “There is no guarantee that everyone’s life will change in marriage,” says Stanislav Raevsky. — Personal development is not a painless process, and a person tends to avoid pain. Change only happens when both partners are determined to overcome crises and admit mistakes.” Changes take place in us all our lives, and we have to get to know each other again and again.

“In a family where partners understand each other, changes for the better happen by chance,” says Anna Varga, “this is like a side effect of the relationship itself.” “You can’t choose a partner and agree with him immediately and for life,” adds family psychotherapist Alexander Chernikov. “We are becoming different, and therefore we must constantly negotiate.” And then our union, the involuntary doctor, will continue its work.