It is believed that a modern woman is obliged to experience an orgasm. No wonder there were sexual revolutions. And if you don’t have it today, something is definitely wrong with you, fashion magazines and social media gurus assure. But is it true?
Do not attribute your own sexual fears to the patriarchal nature of society. Not a single stereotype will be able to control us until we obey it of our own free will, turning off critical thinking.
immature orgasm
In Essays on the Psychology of Sexuality, Freud speaks of girls’ envy of the penis as a developmental norm, that the vagina is valuable only as a receptacle for the penis, and that the libido is always male, so infantile female sexuality has a male character.
Few people read the footnotes and footnotes where Freud clarifies that every person has both a masculine and a feminine element, and this is not a biological gender, but rather a sociocultural stereotype.
We love to simplify things. And therefore we perceive Freud almost as a patriarch of phallocentric religion. Infantile sexuality is associated with the irritation of individual erogenous zones. Adult — with coitus. If a girl experiences an orgasm from irritation of the clitoris, this is a manifestation of male sexuality, moreover, infantile, autoerotic. A mature woman should experience vaginal pleasure.
We are much more inclined to criticize Freud. But Freud was a son of his age. It is enough that he shook Puritan Europe with his ideas about child sexuality. You can’t blame him for the fact that specific women agreed to consider their sexuality wrong. For example, the famous writer and psychoanalyst Marie Bonaparte.
The pursuit of genital orgasm led her to undergo surgery to reduce the distance between the clitoris and the entrance to the vagina. Did not help. But she became the first female researcher of female sexuality and Freud’s personal patient. At the end of her life, she recognized not the anatomical, but rather the psychological nature of orgasticity. And left an unambiguous message for future generations: orgasm is important.
Sexual revolution
Freud’s student and later psychoanalyst rebel Wilhelm Reich proclaimed that stagnant sexuality is the source of energy for psychoneuroses, and the severity of mental illness is directly related to the severity of sexual disorders. Man, according to Reich, has created a lot of problems for himself by limiting sexual function, but in fact he is orgastic in nature.
Reich argued that only those who can masturbate without shame are healthy. Since Reich founded a whole vast psychological field — body-oriented therapy — his ideas still influence us.
By the way, the connection between sexual dissatisfaction and mental illness is confirmed by modern research at the intersection of clinical psychology and sexology. But we are talking about sex as such, and not about orgasms.
Do not take to heart everything that the media and advertising say. Or Instagram. Their mission is to sell
In the 60s of the twentieth century, Reich’s ideas were creatively rethought by the beatnik and hippie movements. The counterculture takes on a more powerful voice when sex is presented as an alternative to death and becomes a political statement.
The symbol of the generation is Jack Kerouac, who, almost penniless, travels across America, meeting bohemians and drug users, and describing the delights of free sexuality in the famous novel On the Road.
Plus, sex sells well. The Playboy empire soars to unattainable heights with the help of photos of naked stars. Now it is no longer clear where sex ends and success begins …
Later, in the 1990s, top models become the idols of most women and the ideal of sexuality. At that time, they were looked at the way they are looked at today by glamorous beauties from Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia), who have three children and a flat stomach. A comparison naturally arises inside: “I am not like that, something is wrong with me, you have to be like these women.”
We should not take to heart everything that the media, advertising and social networks show us. Their task is to sell us this or that product or service. But we have our own head on our shoulders. It is we who make the final decision whether everything is in order with us if our parameters do not meet the gold standard 90-60-90. And if we do not broadcast our own orgasm (do not demonstrate the ability to experience orgasm) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and sometimes we cannot think about sex at all.
Orgasm of the XNUMXst century
Today we know a lot about the female orgasm. We know that it is by nature clitoro-vaginal. That it can manifest itself in many ways: from a slight, almost imperceptible spasm to convulsions of ecstasy, accompanied by a primal cry. That psychological factors play a key role in its manifestation, but it is also important to take into account the location and development of the receptors responsible for our sensitivity. That chasing orgasm only drives us away from it. That a woman needs to know her system of switching on and off arousal (this is wonderfully written by Emily Nagoski in the book How a Woman Wants). That you can get relief from deepthroating or exclusively from breast stimulation, and this is absolutely normal.
What we don’t know is how much stronger and more unruly our unconscious mind is than the conscious part of the brain. One of my friends disappeared from all radar for a week (including from the field of view of her own husband), because she was touched by a tantra yogi. This led to a week-long orgasm, accompanied, according to her, by a complete blackout of the brain. She also doesn’t get out of the gym because she knows how to experience orgasm (orgasm from the contraction of the muscles of the core).
I’ll tell you one more story. One girl who had never experienced an orgasm, began to study her body and pleasure, and paid attention to her desires. As a result, she realized that her beloved man is actually not particularly exciting for her. Frightened by such inner discoveries, she preferred a stable relationship to orgasm. Both of these stories are about choice. The question is the degree of his awareness.
We have the right not to live up to our self-image every day. And that’s ok
I ask men: “If your woman does not have an orgasm, how is it?” The answers show that men’s self-esteem is falling. It goes through their heads: “What is wrong with me? What’s wrong with her?» Unfortunately, the question is not spoken out loud. Partners are embarrassed to talk about it or show each other how they need it. And often because of this, wonderful couples break up.
Who said there’s something wrong with a woman? The male? No. Deep inside, he feared for his self-esteem, although he could say anything out loud in order to «self-defense». If a woman after this conversation decided that something was wrong with her, then this is her decision.
Feminism has given us the right to vote and the freedom to have the same opportunities as men. Do not forget that the flip side of freedom is responsibility. Let’s not dump on society, the media, men, advertisers or politicians the ideas that we accept. Ideas about our abnormality, wrongness, unfemininity, non-sexuality are in our power. And it is up to us to decide whether we should consider ourselves right or wrong just on the basis that we experience orgasm in an unusual way for others — or not at all.
Yes, we can have orgasms. We may not experience orgasms. We can deal with this issue. We can score. We can connect our self-esteem with an orgasm, we can separate these two spheres, we can sell our soul for an orgasm, we can sell an orgasm for the illusion of stability. Decide for each of us.
But we also have every right not every single day to match our ideas about ourselves. And that’s okay.