Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, and while you might not be familiar with the term, you’ve almost certainly experienced the phenomenon. Clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov tells why the constant devaluation of our experiences and judgments is dangerous.
How to protect yourself?
Imagine the situation. In the heat of a quarrel, you say to your husband (wife, parent, friend) — “Do you remember how you got angry last time in the same situation?” And he answers you — “What are you talking about? There was nothing like that.» You insist, the opponent looks at you with bewilderment, making you doubt your own memory, adequacy and capacity.
Has this happened to you? It must have happened. These things happen to everyone from time to time. The reasons may be different: the other person really does not remember what happened, interprets the incident in his own way, or he is simply ashamed to admit that he was wrong. But there are situations when those around us, usually close people, systematically and systematically deny the realism of our perception.
For such situations, there is a term «gaslighting». Its origin is connected with the film «Gaslight» (Gaslight, directed by George Cukor, 1944). It shows how one person can cast doubt on the adequacy of another and almost drive him crazy, constantly not confirming the reality of surrounding events. However, I will not go into detail, watch the film yourself. Let me just say that he received two Oscars, including for the fantastic performance of Ingrid Bergman.
So, in simple words, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, in which the denial of reality plays a major role. In everyday life, it can wear different forms, for example:
Denial of facts («What’s wrong with you, I never said that»).
Emotional denial (“Listen, you feel like you’re in a bad mood, but you’re not”).
Constant emphasis on the inadequacy of perception, references to an emotional state and a possible mental illness (“Listen, something strange has happened to you lately, your grandfather started the same way”, “It’s not your fatigue, but your depression is starting again”) .
A similar form of communication can be used by both spouses or partners in relation to each other, and parents in relation to children. This often leads the victim of gaslighting to serious psychological and emotional problems.
In my practice as a psychotherapist, I have come across many such cases. Parents who deny the facts of physical abuse of the child. Relatives accusing the victim of incest of being insane. A husband who considers any tears and dissatisfaction of his wife as manifestations of severe depression and dismisses the discussion of conflict situations.
I would caution against accusing these people of deliberate psychological abuse. Not everyone, unlike the hero of the film «Gaslight», does it on purpose (although this also happens). Gaslighting is usually driven by a strong fear of acknowledging one’s own contribution to the problem, losing one’s dignity or feeling «good».
We periodically “check our watches” with other people, check our coordinate system
Can relationship gaslighting really drive you crazy? Controversial question. Renowned psychiatrist and psychotherapist Ronald Laing coined the term «nonconfirmation». Laing and other representatives of the communication approach in psychiatry believed that any person needs «confirmation» in the broadest sense of the word.
Confirmation that I exist, that I am needed, confirmation of the adequacy of my statements, the normality of my perception. We periodically “check our watches” with other people, check our coordinate system. Laing and his colleagues found that the opposite situation is widespread in the families of patients with schizophrenia — non-confirmation of reality.
In Sanity, Madness and the Family, he cites excerpts from conversations with families of schizophrenic patients. The interactions described in the book are quite complex, and they often contain non-confirmation by relatives not only of the facts, but even of the patient’s ability to think independently: “I know that you didn’t really think so. You thought you thought so, but you wanted something else.»
Laing’s work in the 60s revolutionized Western psychiatry. Now it becomes clear that the situation is more complicated than it seemed before. Parents do not want to deliberately drive their children crazy, not in all cases in such families there are pathological communications, and genetic factors play an important role in the development of schizophrenia.
Therefore, answering the question of whether gaslighting can drive you crazy, we can say that theoretically this is possible, subject to a predisposition to schizophrenia. Most often, victims of gaslighting develop anxiety and depressive disorders.
A terrible example is the Zersetzung technique (translated from German as “rust, decomposition”), which was used by the Stasi in the GDR. In order to demoralize the right person, he was subjected to virtuoso psychological pressure.
It often happens that a person practicing gaslighting understands this only in a session with a psychotherapist.
Strange things happened in his house — some plates were replaced by others, suddenly a picture appeared that never existed. On the street, strangers called a person by a different name. Strange calls were heard in the middle of the night, household appliances and cars broke down. Such events completely demoralized a person and, coupled with other methods (compromising evidence, threats to relatives), often caused suicide.
But if we return to more ordinary forms of this phenomenon, the question arises, can gaslighting be resisted? Yes, there are behavioral tactics that an adult can use to resist such pressure.
- Develop the ability to trust yourself and your feelings. Do not double-check the events in your memory, as such checks cast more and more doubt on the reality of facts and feelings.
- Stand up for your point of view. Try to clearly describe your feelings and the situation that caused them, for example: “I was very angry with your abusive behavior towards me. And now it annoys me that you are trying to make me look crazy.
- If necessary, interview independent observers. Do other people notice the “strange things” that your husband (wife, mother) constantly tells you about? After all, not always an indication of your emotional breakdowns is gaslighting. It may be that everyone around understands that you have problems, but you do not want to listen to them.
- If you suspect gaslighting runs in your family, see a family therapist. Family therapy can help you unravel the complex tangle of maddening interactions. It often happens that a person practicing gaslighting only understands this in a session with a psychotherapist.