When fire leaves our intimate life, we strive to return it by all available means. Including those that offer us sex shops and glossy magazines. Will it help – and for how long?
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This situation occurs frequently. With this question often come to the consultation to improve the quality of sexual life. But in the pursuit of improved intimacy, partners miss out on important and valuable moments in their relationship.
When we notice that there is less passion in our stable and very likely loving couple, we begin to worry. And since it’s absolutely impossible to sit back and watch your love boat sink so fast, we’re trying to act. And if we are not used to talking about such difficult topics, information from the Internet and glossy magazines comes to the rescue first of all.
What do they offer us as the best means to revitalize intimate life? Basically – various “external” incentives. Sex toys, striptease in front of a partner, role play, playful texting in the middle of the workday… All of these are great, all of which really benefit our sexual relationship – with just one caveat. Do not think that this is a panacea and that the effect of this “medicine” will be global.
“Sometimes partners, faced with problems in intimate life, use toys, external exciting factors that should return sexual intimacy,” says psychologist, family consultant Andrey Timakov. – Of course, it will help, only rather superficially and temporarily. If a couple has some kind of global problem that cannot be fixed in such ways, over time everything will return to normal and difficulties will arise again. It is also important to take into account the phenomenon of sexualization, which sometimes occurs in couples. Its essence is that really important problems in a couple are replaced by intimate issues, that is, the focus of attention is shifted to the consequences, and not to what caused what was happening and complicated the life of partners.
Everything in our life is interconnected. And do not think that sex “lives” separately from other spheres of existence of partners. And it’s not just that one of us is heavily loaded with annual reports, while the other is passionate about feelings because of elderly relatives. Perhaps in the space of a couple there are initially rules that prevent us from finding a way to meet our beloved.
Perhaps over the years we have lost the ability to see the other, to pay attention to his needs. Or they didn’t find understanding in a difficult life situation – and preferred to remain silent about it … Lace underwear will not help us open our soul to a partner, and a trip to a picnic with intimacy outside the city will not allow us to admit to ourselves the most unpleasant experiences … After all, when sex disappears from our life, when we do not feel desire – this is a symptom behind which a wide variety of “diseases” can be hidden.
Communicating directly with someone we seem to be reading like an open book for a long time can be very painful.
“When a couple comes to me with an intimate problem, my task is to draw the partners’ attention to the fact that they don’t communicate in a psycho-emotional sense, they don’t say anything to each other,” Andrey Timakov explains. – Relationships in a couple are something that happens every minute, even if the partners are in different rooms or at a distance from each other for some time.
This is a living process of communication, and it is important to talk about it, especially when two people live in the same space and lead a common life. Such closeness requires additional resources and joint resolution of issues. Intra-family communication skills in this case play a major role, and sometimes partners have to re-learn how to communicate. The phrase is quite hackneyed, but relationships are work, and daily, and sometimes even every minute.
But it is precisely such an honest conversation that rarely anyone can afford, the expert warns. It is very difficult for us to admit to ourselves that it is not easy for us now and we need support.
“Even when they are in a specialist’s office, men and women, when talking about their experiences, do not turn to a partner who is also present at the session, but to a specialist,” Andrey Timakov explains.
Communicating directly with someone we seem to be reading like an open book for a long time can be very painful. Especially when it comes to sex. Despite the fact that times are changing, we still have few words to describe what is happening, little freedom to admit that there are problems in the intimate sphere. A psychologist working with sexuality issues will help to carefully organize this “meeting”, and then we can notice each other – get closer and talk frankly.
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About expert
Andrei Timakov psychologist, family counselor .