Contents
Article author Kirill Karpenko, educational psychologist, Krasnoyarsk, [email protected]
The article was published: School psychologist. — 2011. — No. 17
Evil aunt
This game is started by members of various official gatherings: the PMPK, the Prevention Council, the Commission on Juvenile Affairs, the Parents’ Committee, etc. A related game is «Gotcha, you son of a bitch!», described by Bern.
An example of this game was published in the journal «Problems of Psychology» at the PMPK. The story is told from the perspective of the mother.
“The neurologist opens the child’s notebook, is indignant at the handwriting and dirt in the notebook (it’s true, there is something to be indignant about), immediately closes it and swings at his son, shouting at the same time: “I would kill you if you were my son!” Probably only my angry look stopped her from hitting her.
A cross-examination began by the defectologist and the neurologist, while they were yelling and interrupting each other, not giving me any opportunity to answer, gagging me on the first letter. Insults like “mentally retarded”, etc. flew towards my son. Then other members of the commission asked me questions, and while I was answering, the neurologist and defectologist scolded my son. Claims flew in my direction, accusations that I was a bad mother who did not raise a child. After 10 minutes of this nightmare, I burst into tears ”[3].
Do not confuse the game of Evil Aunt with an adult discussion of the problems that have arisen: although decisions can be made very tough and fateful. Nor is it a game to discuss the children brought before the commission at the Parent-Child level. Here, teenagers are quite sincerely scolded in an old man’s way, they are lectured, they are frightened. «Evil aunt» begins when a hidden transaction appears. On a social level, moves look something like this:
Parent: «You’re bad! You must improve or you will be punished.»
Child: «Give me one more chance, I promise to improve.»
On the psychological
Child: «I am an almighty aunt who has the power to decide the fate of people, to execute and pardon.»
Child: «Have mercy on me, Your Highness! I am completely in your power.»
Play can be distinguished from adult operations and procedures by the intensity with which commission members indulge in intimidation of delinquent children and parents. Usually, officials focus on punishments, but they do it as if reluctantly, knowing full well that this, most likely, will not affect the worldview and behavior of a deviant child in any way, and they talk about it only because it is part of their official duties, or because that’s the only thing they can do: from impotence. The evil aunt is attached to this occupation with great enthusiasm.
But it becomes most obvious that we have a game in front of us, when members of quite prosperous families who simply find themselves in a difficult life situation (the death of their parents, etc.) fall under the hot hand of the Evil Aunt. Then it becomes obvious that the Evil Aunt is not interested in people and their problems, she honors the testament of Felix Dzerzhinsky: “If you have not yet been imprisoned, this is not your merit, this is our flaw,” that is, all people are bad, there can be no excuses.
Probably the best antithesis behavior is to be calm. The main task of the Evil Aunt is the confusion of the victim, and the culmination of the game, the victory of the driver, is despair, expressed in the sobbing of the Guilty child and Guilty parents. The transactional stimulus from the Angry Aunt goes from the Parent to the Child. A transactional response from Adult to Adult will make the transaction overlap and break the game. But you need to understand that calmness, an appeal to facts, the transfer of a conversation into an adult discussion will be perceived by the Evil Aunt as impudence and will cause condemnation, because according to the rules of the game, a delinquent child should express humility, a sense of guilt, and not composure.
Attempts by other members of official meetings to stop the game will not be successful. In response to comments about the inadmissibility of such behavior, the Driver will answer with a good-natured smile:
— Well, what are you? Do you really think that I really will shoot someone? I don’t even have a machine gun. And I will not send anyone to eternal hard labor. Where do I get such powers from? This is hard for me too! But this is the only way to somehow influence these people. I do my best for them!
This game is also played by some class teachers, who constantly humiliate and reproach their wards. However, it is more difficult to identify and investigate because it takes place behind closed doors.
Analysis
Thesis: I have power.
Antithesis: Calm
Purpose: Self-assertion.
Roles: Evil aunt, delinquent child, delinquent parents.
Social paradigm: Parent-Child.
Parent: «You’re bad! You must improve or you will be punished.»
Child: «Give me one more chance, I promise to improve.»
Psychological paradigm: Child-Child.
Child: «I am an almighty aunt who has the power to decide the fate of people, to execute and pardon.»
Child: «Have mercy on me, Your Highness! I am completely in your power.»
Moves: 1) reproach — an admission of guilt; 2) the threat of punishment — fear (crying).
Benefit:
1. Internal psychological — justification of anger.
2. External psychological — the ability to avoid awareness of one’s shortcomings.
3. Internal social — «Evil Aunt».
4. External social — pastime «Current».
5. Biological — exchange of transactions of anger and fear.
6. Existential — I am from God, and the world is in evil.
The child has been hurt!
If parents do not interfere in the relationship of siblings, then there are few conflicts between them, because in childhood a difference of even one year gives the older child a great advantage in physical strength compared to the younger. Therefore, without outside interference, a hierarchical structure is established between brothers and sisters. If parents interfere in the relationship of children, then the number of conflicts between children increases. Younger children begin to provoke conflicts, knowing that mom and dad will come to their aid and explain to the older child that it is not good to offend the little ones [5]. Since there are more troubles and conflicts in the supported child, and not less, which parents declare as their goal, obviously this is a game.
Families with only one child or who have limited family boundaries start this game in the school team. The most typical variant of the game: a girl complains to her parents that a bully classmate offends her, parents demand that the school administration sort things out and put things in order, sometimes they also turn to the police. There is no direct antithesis to such behavior, as well as to games from the life of the underworld. The prosecutor cannot respond to violations of the law with the words: “I don’t care about this, figure it out yourself.” And school employees cannot just refuse to participate in this game. Direct antithesis is possible only in extreme cases, for example, the police refused to accept a statement from the mother of an elementary school student, in which her daughter’s classmate was accused of kicking the girl’s briefcase.
The antithesis of victimhood would be to avoid girls who complain all the time. But to do this in practice is very difficult. Firstly, the most aggressively impulsive child, who finds it difficult to restrain his activity, is usually chosen as a victim. Secondly, if he avoids communication, the girl will turn to direct provocations in the form of physical aggression, for example, she will kick him in front of classmates — he will not be able to restrain himself from such attacks for a long time. In fact, this is a children’s version of the game «Rape!» («Dynamo»), in which a woman begins to flirt, and then accuses a man of sexual harassment.
The psychologist can try to work with the girl’s parents and find out why they play this game and encourage their daughter to do it, what benefits they get. In one case, a student was playing an extreme version of the game and accused a classmate of attempted rape. Her parents were divorced and lived separately. The father was immediately informed about the serious problems of his daughter at the new school. He, leaving all his affairs, came. The game gave everyone a lot of trouble, but the girl received the attention of her father, that is, a big win in the external social sphere.
If the parents decide to abandon the game, then it will not be difficult to wean the child, you need to follow a few simple rules: 1) the girl should avoid communicating with the child who offends her; 2) if something happened, you must first inform the teacher about it and only then the parents and be sure to indicate what the teacher thinks about the incident. Since teachers, being in a situation, observe the provocations of the Seductress, their reaction is usually the same: «Don’t mess with him and you won’t have problems.» Parents should react accordingly, if something serious happens, the teacher himself will notify them.
However, the teacher himself can act as the accused. In the UK, the disempowerment of teachers at school has led to a colossal increase in aggression against teachers, which in particular is expressed in this game. The business newspaper Vzglyad, describing the situation in Britain, wrote in 2011: “One in four school employees face false accusations from students, and one in six from families of students. Teachers are accused of various crimes ranging from sexual harassment to verbal abuse.” In Russia, the situation in this matter is, of course, more favorable, but slander against a teacher is not uncommon in our country either.
Analysis
Thesis: The child has been hurt!
Antithesis: 1) Nobody hurts you. 2) Evasion.
Purpose: Revenge.
Roles: Seductress (Provocateur), Wolf (Hooligan).
Social paradigm: Adult — Adult.
Adult (boy): «We were just playing.»
Adult (girl): «You offended me and must pay for it.»
Psychological paradigm: Child — Child.
Child (boy): «I’m the best in the class.»
Child (girl): «Here you are.»
Moves: 1. Girl: provocation; boy: response to provocation, victory. 2. Girl: confrontation; boy: defeat.
Benefit:
1. Internal psychological — the expression of hatred and the projection of guilt.
2. External psychological — avoidance of emotional intimacy.
3. Internal social — «The child was offended!».
4. External social — «What a horror!».
5. Biological — the exchange of transactions of anger.
6. Existential — I’m not to blame for anything.
See how I tried
The classic version is described by Eric Berne. As a rule, these are spouses on the verge of a divorce, one of whom seeks to save the family, and the other only demonstrates diligence and then divorces. The psychologist is a pawn in their game. At school, this game occurs between parents of difficult children and officials (commission for minors, school administration, prevention council, teachers). Parents demonstrate their willingness to do everything in their power to correct the child, so they readily accept the recommendation to seek help from a school psychologist. However, they do not really intend to change anything either in themselves or in their child. They go to a consultation with a psychologist only to say later: “See how I tried? But nothing works.» At the school psychologist’s appointment, these parents play «You Don’t Understand Me» (a variation of «Psychiatry»).
— You do not understand me! — Exclaimed the mother of the most difficult child in school at a consultation with a teacher-psychologist and burst into tears. — You do not understand me! You don’t have to dig into me! The problem is not me! We need to fix the kid! How can you not understand this?!
When the woman calmed down, the psychologist replied:
— It seems to me that the behavior of your son worries you most of all, and more than anything in the world you would like him to improve and behave well. Right?
— Yes.
So I understand you?
“Yes, but …”
As you know, for counseling to be successful, a person must be motivated to work, must feel discomfort and a desire to change something in life. If a person is doing well according to his subjective feelings, then he will not do anything, even if he visits the best psychotherapists for years. This category of parents, as a rule, does not intend to make adjustments to their lifestyle, and if they experience any discomfort, they project it onto the child: “This son (daughter) needs to be changed, he has problems, he behaves badly, they complain about him. Nobody has any complaints against me.»
Parents should immediately agree on some fundamental points:
- The behavior of parents, their system of education and the whole personality have a huge impact on the behavior of the child. Accordingly, changes in the personality of the parents directly and indirectly affect the behavior of the child;
- In the psychologist’s office, we do not deal with the question of how to change children or any other people, if only because they are not here and now.
And although this is negotiated and accepted by the parents, the players in “You don’t understand me” over and over again, like a trump card ace out of their sleeve, get: “What does the issue under discussion have to do with the behavior of the child?” The double transaction on the parent’s side is:
Adult (social level): «I really want the child to change, and I will accept any of your help.»
Child (psychological level): «You will not help me, and the result of our work will show that psychologists are good for nothing.»
As an antithesis, the consultant should return to the principles outlined above and ask the question: “What do you expect (want) from working with a psychologist?” The answer «fix the child» and other similar ones related to third parties will not be accepted. Goals are formulated only in relation to the parent himself: the teacher-psychologist conducts separate work with the child. In our practice, most parents of difficult children are not ready for productive work. Therefore, after several meetings, summing up the cooperation, we directly say that the time was wasted. We respect the decision of a person to do as he does, and we have no complaints. But, if we cannot change the situation in any way, we can at least voice it unambiguously so that a person does not have illusions and that he does not feel like a winner in the game, but, on the contrary, perhaps for the first time in his life he felt that no there was no game — everything was honest, in an Adult way. This must be said, of course, as tactfully and reasonably as possible. Sufficiently strong people are able to gradually switch to interaction in the Adult-Adult position. In such cases, the work is very productive.
Analysis
Thesis: Nobody can push me around.
Antithesis: No one is going to lead you, do what you want.
Purpose: Justification.
Roles: Reliable person, Persecutor, Authoritative person.
Social paradigm: Adult — Adult.
Adult: «You need to see a psychologist.»
Adult: «Okay, I’ll do as you ask.»
Psychological paradigm: Parent — Child.
Parent: «I’ll make you see a psychologist.»
Child: «See, nothing works.»
Moves: 1. Offer — resistance. 2. Pressure is a concession. 3. Approval is failure.
Benefit:
1. Internal psychological — liberation from awareness of guilt for destructive behavior.
2. External psychological — getting rid of responsibility for the family.
3. Internal social — «See how I tried.»
4. External social — «See how I tried.»
5. Biological — the exchange of hostile transactions.
6. Existential — I’m not to blame for anything.
Emotional burnout
With the light hand of Freidenberg, the disorder well-known to doctors «overwork» began to be widely discussed by psychologists as «emotional burnout». This disease manifests itself in a feeling of indifference, emotional exhaustion, exhaustion (a person cannot devote himself to work the way he used to); dehumanization (development of a negative attitude towards their colleagues and clients); negative self-perception in professional terms — a lack of a sense of professional excellence.
Since the result of the specialist’s activity is opposite to the declared intentions, we conclude that this is a game. The poet Andrei Lysikov described her very well:
To those who are waiting for compassion, evil will become a bone in the throat
From a great desire to do good to people.
Idealistic, dreamy, sentimental people tend to burnout. The antithesis of «Burnout» will be a rational approach to one’s work. The profession of teacher and psychologist, of course, requires emotional involvement in the process. But reason must be the basis, and feelings only supplement the rational core of labor.
We recommend here to turn to the experience of the military. Officers before the battle always plan for the loss of personnel. Some people, especially mothers of soldiers, resent this approach to military affairs to the core: “How can you deliberately allow the death of soldiers ?!” But the generals know that there are no losses in battle, and in order for the detachment to complete the task, you need to know how many fighters will remain by the end of the battle, whether this number is enough to complete the task. If operations are planned without losses, and during the battle they will be, then the remaining forces may not be enough, for example, for defense, and the entire detachment will die.
So the psychologist must understand what tasks he faces and what resources are needed for this. Something has to be sacrificed to get the job done. It is necessary to deliberately refuse people help, even those who ask for it and really need it. If we try to help everyone, we will not help anyone. If someone wants to add extra work, and there are no resources to complete it, you should politely but firmly refuse: “I will not do this because I do not have time for this”, “I will not do this because in I am not competent enough in this matter.
Taking care of others starts with taking care of yourself. You need to devote enough time to sleep, rest, entertainment, personal life. An exhausted and embittered psychologist is hardly able to work effectively.
Analysis
Thesis: People are incorrigible and ungrateful.
Antithesis: Refusal to try to fix the world.
Purpose: affirmation of life position.
Roles: Specialist, Client, Colleague, Savior.
Social paradigm: Parent-Parent.
Parent: «I do my job to the best of my ability.»
Parent: “You are the best specialist!”
Psychological paradigm: Child-Child.
Child: «This is unbearable, they are incorrigible.»
Child: «It would not hurt you to treat your nerves!»
Moves: 1) offer of assistance — partial acceptance; 2) dissatisfaction with the result — irony.
Benefit:
1. Internal psychological — justification of sadness, resentment, anger.
2. External psychological — avoidance of awareness of the limitations of one’s capabilities.
3. Internal social — «I’m just trying to help you.»
4. External social — pastime «Current».
5. Biological — the exchange of «strokes» of contempt, anger, despair.
6. Existential — People are incorrigible and ungrateful.
School psychologist
«School Psychologist», like «Psychiatry», is a whole group of games, the common characteristic of which is the focus on the process, not the result. This is the difference between a procedure and a game. A professional is focused on the result, and the faster and easier the result is achieved, the better. For the player, on the contrary, solving the client’s problem means the end of the game, and with it the benefits that it brings. Therefore, it is important for School Psychologist players that problems remain unresolved.
Eric Berne wrote the following about this game: “The position “I am a healer because it says so in the diploma” can sometimes be harmful. It should be replaced with something like «I will use the therapeutic procedures known to me in the hope that they will be beneficial.» This makes it possible to avoid games based on the statements: “Because I am a healer, it’s your own fault if you don’t get better” (that is, “I’m only trying to help you”) or “Because you are a healer, I will improve my condition for you” ( i.e. «Peasant Woman»).
A curious version of the «School Psychologist» is similar to the game «Wooden Leg». The thesis of the game is: “What can be expected from a person with a wooden leg (disabled person)?” The purpose of the game is to remove responsibility for your actions.
Psychologists in this game like to complain about the obvious difficulties in the work of a school psychologist: this is a lot of areas of work, and a large number of people with whom you need to work, and the lack of a material base (a separate office, computer, diagnostic case, etc.), and the lack of clear criteria for evaluating performance, etc. Hence the corresponding conclusion: the work of a psychologist at school cannot be effective. At the level of the Parent, it sounds like this: “The whole system is sick. What can you expect from a psychologist working in our education system?” There is another popular option: “I am a practitioner. What do you want from a practicing psychologist? So I can explain what I do at work?”
One of the favorite topics of school psychologists: there is so much documentation that there is no time left for work — that is, what should show the results of the work of a teacher-psychologist is called the reason for the lack of results. The most radical expression of this position is: “Adjusting to the system of reports, analytical references, questionnaires, control and other evaluative procedures, the school psychologist actually stops in his creative growth” [4].
We believe that a good teacher-psychologist, even if he is not required to make plans and reports (this happens), he himself must sit down, think and write a work plan for the year, quarter, week and day. And at the end of the corresponding period, fix the results. Otherwise, how can the psychologist himself see the full picture of his activity and evaluate it? It takes self-discipline to become a master at anything. Nothing disciplines like documentation. There is nothing more useful for the professional growth of a school psychologist than at the end of the working day to write down all the work done during the day in a journal and think: what happened? What didn’t work? Why did it happen? Why didn’t it work? What can be changed to make work more efficient tomorrow? And do the same after the end of the academic quarter and year, in order to give a generalized assessment of your work and make decisions in a strategic perspective. The documents that managers require do not differ much in form and content from those that a psychologist would do only for himself. And it does not take much time, especially for experienced psychologists. Writing a plan, report or conclusion for the first time is difficult and long, the second time according to the template is already a matter of technique.
For novice psychologists, documentation can also serve as a «Notebook of my achievements.» This is an exercise by Klaus Vopel for anxious children. It helps children to complete complex cases and develops internal consistency in deeds and decisions. Young specialists do not always succeed in everything at once, and a journal for recording the types of work of a teacher-psychologist can help overcome the frustration and stress of starting a professional activity.
To avoid games, the educational psychologist needs to work in the Adult-Adult position: not turn his work into replies and not complain that the school is a prison for a free individual. No need to ask others: «What do you expect from a psychologist in our education system?» — expecting sympathy or confrontation. You need to ask yourself: “What do I expect from a psychologist at this school?” And answer honestly to yourself.
The analysis describes the Wooden Leg variant.
Analysis
Thesis: What do you expect from a psychologist working in our education system?
Antithesis: I don’t expect anything from you. The question is, what do you expect from yourself?
Purpose: disclaimer of responsibility.
Roles: Teacher-psychologist, Colleague.
Social paradigm: Parent-Parent.
Parent: “The whole system is sick. What can you expect from a psychologist in our education system?
Parent: «Yes, especially those endless reports.»
Psychological paradigm: Child-Child.
Child: «I’m not competent enough.»
Child: «I don’t know what to do either.»
Moves: complaint is support.
Benefit:
1. Internal psychological — the projection of guilt.
2. External psychological — avoidance of situations that can reveal incompetence.
3. Internal social — «School psychologist».
4. External social — pastime «Methodological association» of the projecting type.
5. Biological — the exchange of «strokes» of indignation and acceptance.
6. Existential — You can’t change this world.
References:
- Eric Bern. Games People Play. — Yekaterinburg: LITUR, 1999.
- Eric Bern. People who play games. — Yekaterinburg: LITUR, 1999.
- Kholmogorova A. B., Volikova S. V., Stepina N. A. On the negative consequences of the system for diagnosing mental retardation in orphans in boarding schools. // Issues of psychology. — 2011 / No. 1.
- Ananyeva T. Pseudo-profession, or a little bit about anti-psychology at school. // School psychologist. – 2011/No. 11.
- Smirnova T. P. Psychological correction of aggressive behavior in children. — Rostov-on-Don: Phoenix, 2005.