Do you never get what you want no matter how hard you try? Are you always treated unfairly? You can’t afford to take a break just yet, but as soon as you find a better job, are you sure you’ll start saving up for a vacation? Most likely, you are following a certain script – a life plan formed in early childhood. Maybe it’s time to give it up?
One has been trying to accumulate money all his life, but as soon as the minimum amount is accumulated, he immediately lowers it. Another is unlucky with work: wherever he goes, there is an evil boss who soon begins to outlive him. The third, helping others, constantly encounters ingratitude, reproaches himself for naivety and indiscretion – and again and again stumbles upon such people …
It seems that all these people act according to some given scheme, as if playing the same plot with different actors. What is it – an evil fate, a family curse, an irony of fate? Eric Berne wrote that recurring events are a sign that there is a script in a person’s life. A life plan that is formed in early childhood and gradually unfolds over many years, often against our will. Some judgments of close adults, which we heard in childhood, cut into our memory and begin to literally control us, determining our actions and life aspirations.
“Never”
This life scenario can be illustrated by the myth of Tantalus, the son of Zeus, who angered the gods and was severely punished. Thrown into the realm of the dead, he stood in the water, but could not quench his thirst. Branches with fruits hung over him, but he could not pick them and get enough. The expression “Tantalum torment” means unbearable suffering due to the inability to achieve a close and desired goal.
A person wants to learn a foreign language or defend a Ph.D. thesis, but does nothing to achieve what he wants. Such people constantly talk about their desires and how difficult it is to achieve them. For example, a single woman repeats over and over again that she wants to start a family, a child, but does nothing. Her social circle is limited to colleagues and neighbors, she spends all weekends at home alone. She argues that it is possible to adopt a child, but “how can you raise him without a father.” The LP allows her to remain in the same, comfortable and familiar place: “I never get what I most want!”
The dreams of people with this way of living the script are amazing. For example, 35-year-old Oleg has a highly paid, but uninteresting job for him. And the wife and mistress, and both require certainty in the relationship. For many years, Oleg has been dreaming that two electric trains arrive at the platform at the same time, going in the same direction and arriving at their destination at the same time. You need to quickly choose which one to sit in: both cost only a minute. The dream is constantly interrupted in the same place: the doors begin to close. Oleg wakes up in a cold sweat, having not made a choice either in a dream or in life.
“Not Yet”
This life scenario is based on the myth of the exploits of Hercules or Hercules. Performing feats, he went through all of Europe and Africa and, in memory of his wanderings, built one of the seven wonders of the world – two mountains on the banks of the Strait of Gibraltar – the Pillars of Hercules. The expression “Hercules feat” means incredibly difficult and hard work, requiring great effort. However, the reward is equal – to become a god, to be immortal and live on Olympus.
The motto of this pattern is that you will not receive a reward until you pay a high price for it. “Until something happens, don’t wait for good.” You cannot experience joy until you have suffered in full. You won’t be able to enjoy or rest until you’ve done the work.
“When I retire, I can start traveling”, “when you graduate from college, do what you want, but for now, no”
Examples of such scenario behavior may look like this: “I must fully understand myself before I can change”, “life begins after forty”, “when I retire, I can start traveling”, “I must endure, but I will be rewarded according to merit in paradise”, “when you graduate from the institute, do what you want, but for now – no”, “the children will grow up, and I will breathe with an investment, I will do what I love”. You can rest in paradise, under communism, in another life, but now you have to work off sins or endure in the name of a brighter future for the next generations.
Irina has always been an excellent student at school and institute, a social activist, participated in all circles, meetings. She did it sincerely, with full dedication, but did not feel joy from the achievements: “Everyone should work like this.” Now she is the director of the shopping center. Works seven days a week. There is a sofa in her office where she sleeps almost every night. Husband is used to it. In such a life, everything suited her, except for high blood pressure. When it ceased to go astray with the strongest medicines, the cardiologist sent Irina for a consultation with a psychotherapist.
It took a long time before Irina was able to fulfill her therapeutic contract. And he was like this: work only four days a week and go home at 17:00. It is important that her success in business only increased. In addition, Irina now knows what reward and from whom she should receive for her labors, and her life is filled with large and small rewards.
“Is always”
This life scenario is reminiscent of the myth of the spinner Arachne. With her skill, she became famous throughout Greece and once, proudly, she challenged the goddess Athena herself to a competition. She was delighted with the beauty of the work of death. And everything would have ended well if Arachne had not started to ridicule the goddess and boast that she spins better than her. Angered, Athena said: “If you are the best at spinning, do it always.” And she turned Arachne into a spider.
A person with the “always” pattern often asks himself the question: “Why does this always happen to me?” For example, a girl who grew up in a family where her father and / or mother were alcoholics will marry repeatedly and each time choose an alcoholic as her husband. The life script of these people reflects the belief: “I must always remain in the same situation familiar to me (in a web that I weave well, or in an alcoholic environment that I am familiar with from childhood).”
“After”
The Syracusan tyrant Dionysius the Elder (432-367 BC) had a courtier named Damocles. Envying his master, he told everyone about Dionysius as the happiest of people. And then Dionysius decided to teach Damocles a lesson, ordering during a magnificent feast to hang a sharp sword over his head, which was held on one horsehair. The expression “Sword of Damocles” is a symbol of imminent danger, hence – “hanging by a thread”, “being in the balance from death.”
The motto of a person living according to this scenario is “I can rejoice today, but tomorrow I will have to pay for it”, “you have to pay for a sweet life”. The words “after”, “but” are constantly present in his speech. For example: “after the wedding, the everyday life of family life will begin”, “yes, the party is class, but tomorrow the head will split”, “the sweet berry was torn together, the bitter one is me alone”. “Yes, but” is a favorite phrase and a favorite psychological game of people whose scenario pattern is “after”.
“Over and Over” (“Almost”)
The Corinthian king Sisyphus was punished by the gods for his numerous sins (boastfulness, greed, cunning): in the underworld he was condemned to perform eternal painful work. He rolled a stone up the mountain, which, having barely reached the top, rolled down, and Sisyphus was forced to start all over again. Endless, hard and useless work is a punishment for sins in the past. The motto of people living this scenario is “I almost did it, but not completely!”
There are people who rolled their “stone” to the top, but then, without stopping, they are looking for another peak, higher
For example, Denis loves to read, but always throws a book before he finishes reading it. Ksyusha studies well during the quarter, she gets an A in the quarter, but she writes the control with a deuce, as a result of the quarter – four. Katya washes the dishes, but leaves a couple of unwashed spoons …
There are people who rolled their “stone” to the top, but then, without stopping, they are looking for another peak, higher. And this is repeated endlessly. Victor finished school and institute well, defended his dissertation – first candidate’s, then doctor’s. He is a respected member of the professional community. But at the same time, Victor does not believe that he has achieved anything, and continues his professional growth. This requires a lot of stress – emotional and physical, he does not have time to communicate with family and friends, for rest and entertainment.
“Open End”
This scenario pattern is described by the myth of Philemon and Baucis. Once the village where they lived was visited by Zeus and Hermes under the guise of wanderers. No door was opened for them in any house. And only Philemon and Baucis sheltered the gods and fed them, giving the last. The gods punished all the inhabitants of the village by flooding their houses. Only the hut of Philemon and Baucis survived, later turned into a temple, the priests of which were the spouses. They lived happily and died on the same day, turning into trees growing from the same root.
This life scenario is characterized by the presence of a “switching point”, a dividing line. Time after this moment appears to be empty. Anna is the mother of three children who have already grown up and left home. Instead of breathing a sigh of relief (“Now my time has come!”), after a month she feels unnecessary, confused. Anna is waiting for her grandchildren to take care of her again.
Each of us lives through all six life scenarios, but one of them usually dominates.
“Having reached the goal, I don’t know what to do next.” A vivid example of this is the story of 40-year-old Marina, a successful woman from a small Siberian town. After graduation, she wanted to stay in Moscow and set herself the task of marrying a Muscovite and using the opportunities of the capital. Now Marina is married for the fifth time. Each new chosen one provides more and more opportunities. But Marina’s interest in family life disappears a few months after the next wedding. The interval before a new marriage is perceived as emptiness, amnesia (“It was not with me”), previous relationships are forgotten over time, and everything starts from scratch.
Each of us lives through all six life scenarios, but one of them usually dominates. Psychotherapy will help to get out of it, and therefore change the future, and a strong desire to go your own way through life, and not as our close adults wanted.
Source: Viktor and Galina Makarov’s book Scenarios for a Personal Future (Academic Project, 2013).