Fusional love is to be one, but two. It is doing everything together without needing the others, and this, in a total symbiosis. Can a relationship in which we only flourish through the other last? What are we looking for in the merger with the other? Sophie Touttée Henrotte, couple therapist, tells us more about fusional love.

“We speak of fusional love when 1 + 1 = 1. That is to say that each in the couple erases his own personality in the eyes of the other and does everything to please him even if it means forgetting himself. . It is not the people who prevail but the couple ”, explains Sophie Touttée Henrotte. This merger is normal at the start of a relationship. It is characterized by:

• A need to always be together;
• A feeling of intense lack when one is separated from the other;
• A perfect match. Arguments and disagreements are non-existent;
• The others do not count any more (or less in any case). We only want to be with the other;
• Self-forgetting for the benefit of the couple;
• Joint projects.

“We try to please each other on all levels, even sexually. We can end up doing things that are not us ”, emphasizes the couple therapist.

A fusional relationship can last, as long as the two people are on the same wavelength. If the two members of the couple flourish in this fusional love and find their happiness there, the relationship is likely to continue. “Couples from past generations, who are now 60 years and over, are often fused together. They cannot do activities without each other and are very often together. But the fusional love that lasts is rare today because women are more emancipated and the independence of each is valued more by society ”, observes Sophie Touttée Henrotte.

The merger phase is most often temporary in a couple because after a certain time the personalities of each naturally take over. And the need to de-merge is felt by the two members of the couple. Indeed, doing activities separately and with other people is even beneficial to the relationship, to better meet in moments of two. De-fusion is therefore normal and necessary for a healthy relationship.

Fusional love nevertheless becomes problematic when one wishes to emancipate himself but the other does not understand it. When the demerger takes place only on one side, conflicts and confrontation arise because incompatibilities with the other are obvious. “Whoever expresses his need for independence in the couple wants to assert his self-esteem, his personality, his desires. He seeks to put forward the I rather than the US ”, specifies the specialist. For the other, still in the merger, it is a hard blow. He feels abandoned and does not see love other than in this self-forgetting for the benefit of the couple. For him, one cannot exist other than through his couple. The feeling of suffocation is real for those who want to get rid of this fusional state. The couple are in danger because neither of them is happy in this asymmetrical relationship.

People who always seek fusion in their romantic relationships suffer from emotional addiction. The origins of this dependence are multiple:

• It may be related to a previous abandonment that caused unresolved trauma.
• It can be linked to the education one received during childhood. “When we were too mothered as a child, that we always believed that we existed by what we do and not by what we are, it can be difficult to get rid of this need for ‘other to exist and evolve without fear ”.
• It can be the expression of narcissistic flaws.

Affective dependence is harmful for the couple but also for oneself. Being dependent on others and on others is a huge drag in life. We lose self-confidence, we are afraid to do things alone, we no longer even know what we like, what we want … The risk is to believe that we are nothing without it. other. However, we first exist by ourselves. “You have to find yourself first before you find yourself in a relationship. From the moment you do not know how to fulfill yourself, it harms the couple. The less we know who we are, the more we fall into fusional love ”, insists the couple therapist. For some people, this path to self-knowledge is not easy and can take years, even decades. Sometimes, they need a little help to achieve this, such as an initiatory trip or a spiritual retreat for example.