We are used to thinking that having a baby is a very serious matter. Responsible. This is, of course, so. But sometimes … But what is there – often, all sorts of funny things happen.
The Internet is a wonderful thing, after all. Doctors, however, forbid pregnant women to sit on the “mother’s” forums out of harm’s way – there, no, no, they will advise this, whatever they say in a fairy tale. But public places where mothers tell their stories to support others is wonderful. Childbirth stories are not always terrible. There are also fun.
We ran through the vastness of the world wide web and collected some funny stories about childbirth.
“I call my husband 15 minutes after giving birth (2 am), our daughter is screaming in the background. “Romochka, I congratulate you, your daughter was born. Weight height”. For about fifteen seconds silence and a pensive voice of her husband: “Alin, you are muttering!” She took offense and hung up. I didn’t believe it until my mother called him to congratulate him! He said to my mom: “I thought she was joking…” And then I was terribly worried that he offended me. Well, okay, why don’t you blur out when you sleep. “
“When the contractions became very strong, I, standing by the bed, showed the wonders of acrobatics: I did push-ups from the bed, waved my legs in different directions, squatted … The doctor came in, and I froze in the swallow position … She came up, touched my forehead and asked : “What, really bad?” And I was already so carried away by the exercises that I had already forgotten that my contractions should be painful. “
“I think many people remember how after childbirth everything is treated with iodine. I will never forget this. The doctor, a man of about forty, a joker (in his opinion), threw me iodine there with all the foolishness and was going to go somewhere … And then I could not stand it, he tortured me during childbirth, and I say: “Why blow?” Girls you should have seen his face. “
“I remembered that during a fight they advise me to squat down, supposedly it’s easier, I sat down, and soooo sparks fell from my eyes! I tried all the poses, then by typing I found my own: I leaned on the windowsill, bent my legs and sang in an undertone “your mother, your mother, your mother.” It helped awesome. “
“My husband and I are veterinarians. I gave birth badly: 12 hours of labor, cesarean, resuscitation … When I regained consciousness after anesthesia, I saw a smiling husband. I ask: “Is the child alive? Are you healthy? Is the bite normal? ” “Yes,” the husband replied, “and the tail has already been docked …”
“On the day my mother was born, my grandmother and grandfather had guests, there were many relatives. And so, when the oil ran out, they sent my grandma for it. Before reaching the store, the grandmother felt contractions, a rapid birth began, the waters broke. She could no longer walk, grabbed a tree. Fortunately for her, a car with the military drove past, who drove her to the nearest hospital. There she was born as soon as she arrived. The hospital called her grandfather, who was waiting for her from the store: “You have a girl!” The grandfather, apparently out of confusion, muttered: “What a girl, I sent her for butter …”
“I was waiting for the third, and my husband, by tradition, is at sea. He did not meet any of the maternity hospitals. I am alone with the children. Parents live in the next house. I have a term of 38 weeks. And suddenly something came to me on Thursday evening: it is necessary for Lech (average) to go to the garden from Monday. He was ill, but had already recovered. There is nothing for him to philonite. But a clever thought still dawned on me. Go with him to the clinic in the afternoon – I’ll get infected. I’ll go to the beginning of the appointment. By 8 am. We called a taxi, arrived, we were the first, we are waiting for a doctor. And suddenly I understand that the younger one decided to start being born. Controlling the process, I go down to the reception, explain the situation and ask to call a taxi home – not everyone had mobile phones at that time. They understood everything and called everyone at once – a taxi, an ambulance, and for some reason the police. The very first traffic cops arrived. I also managed to discharge my son. And to call my mother so that they can come to us: you won’t leave Leshik alone. The guardians of the order under the siren drove us home. I was junk and had to take the map of the house. At the same time, they strictly ordered that as soon as an ambulance appears, send it after me. While I was packing my last things into my bag, both the sergeants and the lieutenant were relieving stress. Our cognac. The sergeants’ hands were shaking, and the lieutenant’s lower jaw. An ambulance arrived, my mother and I settled in it, but the police could no longer let the process take its course. They drove with a siren in front of our ambulance and yelled at the swearing-man, where we, in fact, are in a hurry. And where should all the other motorists go with their buckets.
It’s good that we went under their escort. Morning, lots of cars … Short delivery and son at 9:35 am. “
“The first day there was a false labor activity (I almost lost my mind), almost all the time I talked to my husband on the phone, an hour before giving birth, the doctor turned off the phone. When I gave birth, they gave me a phone, and naturally I call my husband … What do you think he told me? Why did you turn off the phone? I’m worried here, and she turns off the phone … What, he says, for the joke? Damn, I say, I gave birth to your son! He: “What, is it all already? Why did you turn off your phone? “
“We are sitting with the head physician, she describes how good it is here, campaigns for childbirth with her husband. I refuse. She continues to tell how great it is, I already in my hearts say: yes, I don’t want to give birth with my husband! She told me: well, you don’t want to be with your husband, you can with any other man. “
“38th week of pregnancy, I had insomnia. At three in the morning I go to bed, and then the water flows! No contractions, nothing, I feel great. I wake up my husband: “Vasya, get up! Vasya, I need to go to the hospital. ” “What for?” – “I give birth!” – “Why?” – “Vasya, my water has departed …” He jumps up, begins to cut circles around the room, like a wounded lion. “Are there any contractions?” – in a whisper. No, I say, everything is fine. Then he comes up to me and so quietly, tenderly strokes my head and says: “Mashenka, well, you’re pregnant … well … everyone has it … maybe … you … wet yourself?” I say, I’m out of my mind or what? And what do you think? I turned on the computer, went online and called an ambulance only after I read what was urgently needed in the hospital! I gave birth only at 16:45 pm, and until that time he kept going to the neighbors’ house and lamented: “Well, what if he doesn’t give birth? Well, suddenly she described herself? Well, who doesn’t happen to? Suddenly confused? “
“I give birth, yell, howl already, and they stand over me, like in a museum, and calmly talk like this:“ Look, what an interesting hymen ”. “Yes, yes, a rare form …”
“During my pregnancy, I gained a lot (by 24 kg) and became just an elephant. I had a long and difficult childbirth, and in the end I did KS. After two nurses tried to put me on a gurney, and since I was as fat as an elephant, they could not lift me. They began to lament that I was fat and it was time to lose weight, to which I, in a dazed state, asked where their badges were: “If you want to lose weight, ask me how.”
“When I was transferred to postpartum, my mother and sister came to see me. Me: “Well, do I still have a big belly?” Mom: “Well, six months.” Sister: “You will give birth again in three months.”
“I have four, the last time I went to give birth, as for an exam, for which I had memorized everything, I knew everything. She lay down on a chair (and in the same place it is necessary, like a frog, to lie down – knees to the sides, heels to the priest), and the male doctor says: “What a flexible woman!” I was already at a loss, I was not ready to accept compliments in this position, so I pretended not to hear, and another attempt came up. “
“I read a lot of jokes about how mothers were discharged from the maternity hospital in incredible outfits, but I didn’t think that I would have to find myself in such a situation myself. I prepared all the clothes, gave my eldest daughter (17-year-old) to the Central Administration, the day before she called to check it again, heard: “Mom, calm down, finally, stop calling, I remember everything! Well, I was checked out in February on ice and snow in rubber slippers and a down jacket. “Didn’t you, mom, have your boots left in the hospital?” They stood in the hallway of the house all week.
“I went to give birth to my little lyalechka. She is in breech presentation. When she was half born, the doctor said: “Hmm, how she looks like my mother…” I won’t say that it made me laugh then, but I remembered the laughter of the staff. ”
“My first acquaintance with a doctor in the postpartum period began with the words:“ Hello, girl, all men are goats! ”This is despite the fact that he was a man himself!”
“The nurses came, taught us, newly-made mothers, to swaddle, to put on a diaper, and they said that every three hours the navel should be smeared with brilliant green and peroxide. Morning. Again, we went around the staff, looked at the table of my boy, then the neighbor. And then I heard: “Oh, my God, what kind of green crocodile is this ?!” Everyone fell out. Picture: the child is covered in brilliant green, starting from the arms, legs and the whole belly. Mother is a similar species. It turned out that she, clearly following the instructions, even at night decided to lubricate the navel, and the baby kicked her foot and knocked her a jar of brilliant green. “
“I am lying in a chair, the doctor sews it up. And then someone from the corridor calls her: “Elena Petrovna, where are you?” She: “Here!” I was ashamed. “
“We had an obstetrician there, a handsome man – tall, healthy, dark-haired and with bright blue eyes. When he arrived, a neighbor from the intensive care unit just woke up and shouted to the whole ward: “Oh my God! Angel! “The midwife was flattered. Said it was the best compliment. “
“After 13 hours of contractions, attempts began, and in order for the daughter to descend faster, the doctor put me on my feet near the sink (when I tried to rinse my face). A treacherous mirror hung over the sink. When I saw myself, for some reason my first thought was: “And how does he (the husband) sleep with me, I’m so scary.” But then an attempt began, and all my unnecessary thoughts immediately went away. “
“And most of all I remember the parting words of the doctor in the maternity hospital about the children: do not boil anything! Do not iron anything! Do not smear anything! Bathe from the first day with tap water! Feed and walk as much as you like and whenever you want, and without interruption, and then feed and walk again! And do not listen to any district pediatricians and visiting nurses! The next day my sister comes to me. “Are you boiling? Do you iron on both sides? Feeding regimen – 3,5 hours? Do you smear the navel this way and that? No ?! “Oh, and she looked askance at me …”
“When I gave birth (that evening in our maternity hospital I gave birth alone), it was very boring, and, probably, to cheer up the whole hospital, I opened the window during the fight and screamed out into the street. And it seemed to me that it helps. But soon the midwife came and scolded me. Well, I took her and bit her. Then I went to apologize, it was so embarrassing. “