“Frozen”: how to become yourself again if feelings are frozen

“You know, I have everything. Husband, wonderful children, material wealth, leadership position. But sometimes I walk down the street and think: “What am I doing here?”

I recently heard these words from a woman who has taken place in all respects. No, she does not want to radically change everything, urgently go on a trip around the world or lock herself in a monastery. She loves her life. The picture is spoiled only by a small worm, which tirelessly gnaws at it from the inside. This worm is a misunderstanding: where is the real me here?

It would seem that it is difficult to be yourself? Here I am. Arms, legs, head. I move, I talk, I do something. I cannot be replaced by anyone else. In fact, everything is much more complicated. I am not only the body. I am feelings, emotions, attitudes, soul. If it is impossible to replace the body, then it is quite possible to lose or replace feelings and beliefs. When does it happen?

It hurts too much to be me

Imagine a person:

• who was ridiculed because of a handicap, a funny last name, an unsuccessful performance once or regularly,
• who was punished for any offense, without understanding who is right, who is wrong,
• behind every feeling and act of which they saw something wrong, shameful, outrageous (in the name of a great educational goal, he was informed about this and taken measures),
• who just didn’t notice
• who has suffered grief or an unexpected loss.

In all these cases, the pain may be unbearable, and then he decides not to feel anything. The tiny door to the heart is locked, the key is lost. You can not be afraid of pain, it will not hurt anymore.

Sonya rudely answered her friend, who complained to her grandmother. Grandmother scolded Sonya, and her friend stopped being friends with her. Sonya is already over thirty, she no longer admits what she thinks and feels, neither to others, nor to herself. It’s safer that way.

When Ksyusha was ten, her father was fired, and her mother began to drink. Watching her mother destroy her life was too hard, and the girl chose not to feel anymore. Transformed into a robot capable of surviving in any conditions. Ksyusha grew up, but her feelings never thawed. She constantly seeks pleasure, but when she finds it, she does not receive satisfaction. To experience it, you first need to warm your soul.

Tanya does not know how to live on. Everything is not right: the husband is not the same, and the work does not please, and even the hobby is not found in any way. She had divorced her first husband many years before. She immediately met a foreigner on the Web and was soon married again. I didn’t have time to feel the pain because of the first divorce, I dived into a new life. I didn’t let myself experience the acuteness of the loss and eventually stopped feeling myself.

The tactic “it is safer to freeze” does not work: unlived pain tightly blocks other feelings too. Imagine that you are a vessel, and sadness inside you coexists with joy, melancholy with inspiration, guilt with unbridled happiness. Deciding that unpleasant emotions are unbearable, you put a seal on the entire vessel. The sealed negativity brings sickness and you lose the real you.

How to rediscover yourself if feelings are “closed”

• The first and most important step is to want to be yourself again. No one can do this task for you.
• To understand that when we run from our feelings, we drown them out, we do not live.
• Seek help from a psychologist or coach, they will help you get rid of blocks faster. If this is not possible, you will have to work on your own. You can write “letters of resentment”, meditate on letting go of negative feelings, go for a massage and master energy practices. Look for your method.

Long forgotten voice of desire

If in childhood, in response to any of your “I want”, you heard: “Nonsense! In fact, this is what you want…”, “Egoist! You only think about yourself! ”,“ Listen to me, I know better what you need ”- it is likely that you have forgotten how to listen to your desires. Now you don’t care what you eat: rice or buckwheat. As for everyone, so for you. And it’s definitely better not to invite you to a restaurant with a buffet: you won’t be able to choose something to your taste.

The true “us” is distinguished by our desires. No desire means we don’t exist.

Vladimir from childhood used to obey his domineering mother. She said what to wear, what to buy, what institute to enter. I solved all the problems: I got a job, bought cars and real estate. In his early XNUMXs, Vladimir doesn’t like his life very much. He is burdened by an unloved job, but he does not know how you can want something else. It is easier for him to do what his elderly mother wants than to see tears caused by his “disobedience”.

Mask i know you

Imagine a carnival, each of the guests is wearing a mask. Here is the queen, there is a jester, and here is a sedate count and a mischievous dancer. But who are these people, really? In childhood, we learn to put on masks if we are constantly compared with others and the comparison is not in our favor, draw an ideal and make it clear that they will love only if we begin to live up to it. We get used to the mask of a well-mannered boy or a good girl to be loved.

These masks remain with us, and here she is, that “good girl”, 20, 30 years later: she graduated from the institute with honors, made a career, got married. With all her appearance, she shows how successful her life is, how happy she is in it. And inside there is a worm: who is happy – she herself or the one who expected all this from her?

Mom and dad approached Katya’s upbringing very responsibly. They can be proud of their daughter: she knows what duty and “must” are. He will never let anyone down, he will forget about himself, but he will fulfill all the promises. Irreplaceable worker, helpful wife. She wants to bury herself in her pillow and cry. She is very tired, but does not understand who she will be if she takes off the mask of an excellent student.

Four steps towards you

1. Learn to dream again. Remember how easy it was as a child? This skill is like riding a bicycle, it can be returned. If it’s too difficult, remember what you dreamed about as a child, then shift the focus to the future. What do you want there? Train constantly.
2. Observe life around slowly and consciously. Usually we repeat the same route in the bustle, not noticing anything around. As you watch, try to understand what is happening means to you. The request of a colleague, the singing of birds, the remark of the husband, the children running across the road, the call of the mother. How do you feel about it, how do you feel?
3. Look for what you like. Just like the heroine of the movie “Runaway Bride”, who is trying to figure out what she likes: scrambled eggs or soft-boiled eggs? Hard boiled or omelette? Step by step, make small “discoveries of yourself”, sooner or later they will lead to big ones.
4. Imagine that you have a lot of money and you don’t owe anything to anyone. What will you do? Where to live? What kind of people do you surround yourself with? How will your day go? Do this exercise in writing and find your true self in it. You need to repeat it regularly, because we are constantly changing, once found “I am real” may soon hide behind a new mask again.

Of course, you can say, “Oh no, this is too hard! And for what? But remember how your hands once froze so badly that you stopped feeling them. You came home, opened the faucet, put them under a stream of water, it stung inside, pinched. At first it hurt, then heat began to flow. The hands are alive. It’s the same with feelings. First freezing, ice, then it hurts, then life returns. From black and white, quiet and flat, it becomes bright, permeated with sounds and smells, and you really want to live it. To live to the fullest, despite the difficulties and problems.

Being yourself is not easy, it requires patience, perseverance and strength, but it’s worth it. Once you get out from under a pile of emotional blocks, other people’s beliefs and expectations, you will finally become yourself and cannot do otherwise.