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Skype seems to be the ideal tool for maintaining the bond between your child and you, or their distant family. But beware, a video conversation is not trivial. Used too early or without preparation, it’s a fiasco.
You were looking forward to offering your children a few minutes of video communication with their beloved grandma. However, on Skype, Marc, 2 years old, superbly ignores his grandmother, while Léandre, 4 years old, clings to the mouse, crying. What a desappointment ! A young child lives in the “here and now”. Talk to him about tomorrow, for him it is an improbable elsewhere. Likewise, either you are present with him or you are absent. Since the age of six-eight months, he “knows” that you continue to exist somewhere and will resurface in his present. But what catches his attention is his immediate surroundings and the people he sees there. However, “a conversation by Skype is a presence – absence, an illusion that can easily trap him”, explains Justin Atlan, of the association e.enfance *. Before 2 years old, you can still sit baby on your lap to show his grandparents how he has grown, but it is with you that he will exchange smiles and mimics. During the period of sensorimotor discoveries, he explores his environment with his senses and has little interest in figures, even familiar ones, which move on a flat screen.
He thinks it’s “for real”…
Around the age of 3, the toddler is able to have a short conversation with a loved one on the screen, but watch out for the end click ! You may well have explained to him that papa or papi is not really there, that he is far away and that only his image can be seen, the illusion of presence blurs its bearings and prevails over reality. Moreover, his notion of space-time is not constructed, and for him, there is nothing illogical about papi, who lives in Australia, disembarks five minutes in his living room to leave directly “In his house there”. In addition, dream and reality overlap. If the child wants to see it, the adult appears, what could be more natural in the realm of magical thought? To avoid confusion and drama, it is better to stick to the phone. A voice without an image is not a real presence for the child.
Lou’s testimony: “I took the communication without thinking too much …”
“I went to shoot for my job and had to leave my daughter with my parents. She was looked after as usual by her nanny. After a few days of separation, her nanny thought my daughter would be happy to see me and she called me through Facetime. I took the call without thinking too much and suddenly found myself facing my daughter. She seemed very focused and surprised. Then she wanted to grab the screen to touch me and started to get angry. She had an unusual reaction, she was very excited and upset, and started to cry. I was a little distraught, we interrupted the connection a little abruptly. I found myself helpless and I know she took a while to regain her composure. We never did it again. “
Lou, maman de Suzon, 1 an.
Around 6 years old, he takes advantage of the conversation
It’s around 6 years old that the child really understands the concept of long distance video conversation and its limits. “To help him better visualize what is really going on, ask his interlocutor, beforehand, to photograph himself in profile, in front of the screen connected to Skype, and to send the photo to the child, advises Harry. Ifergan *. Thus, he notices that the person who appears on his screen is himself installed at home, in front of his own computer. »Supporting explanations, the child distinguishes between the real person, who is far away, and his image, which appears on the screen. The conversation can then begin. Plan a time limit, around five to six minutes, and tell the child.
In video: Can I contact my children by Skype or FaceTime at the other parent’s?
… And suddenly, it’s the black screen
“Be careful to anticipate the end of the conversation, warns Justine Atlan. Indeed, to see your parent disappear with a click, it’s violent! The cut is much more brutal than the departure of a person in reality. ” Remember to tell your child that when you have spoken for a while, we will say “goodbye.” », We will turn off the computer and the image will disappear – because, insist, it is not a question of the person, but of his image. If he is used to telephone conversations, draw a parallel with the voice that goes out when you hang up. Decide in advance, with him, who will press the button to end the interview.
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In the event of long separations
Only use Skype to maintain a bond during long separations. If mom or dad is away for only a few days, it is better to avoid the temptation of Skype: it only appeals to the parent. For the child, to see his parent appear for five minutes to see him disappear again is torture. Better to leave it to its preoccupations and its games, in its “here and now”, and reserve for it the pleasure of a real reunion.
Last tip: when a young child uses Skype, remember to remove the thumbnail that appears at the bottom of the screen and sends him his own image filmed by the webcam. Let him build his identity and tame his own image at his own pace, without the internet getting involved. “The child is fascinated by his own image and this interferes with his relationship with others on Skype,” explains Justine Atlan. On the other hand, by dint of seeing themselves on the screens, our children worry too much, and too soon, about the image they give to see. New technologies promote excessive narcissism. “