Do we need to fully merge with a loved one? French psychoanalyst and family therapist Jean-Georges Lemaire (Jean-Georges Lemaire) believes that without this the couple will not be harmonious, but an element of detachment is also necessary for the development of relationships.
Psychologies: How to be yourself when you love another person?
Jean-Georges Lemerre: I would ask the question differently: “Is there a way to be yourself and still love someone?” Or even like this: “Are we allowed to be ourselves in a love relationship?” But our “I” is not limited to our body, and personality is not given to a person from birth. Many things influence its formation, including relationships: what we give to another and receive from him in return also becomes part of our personality. Absolute independence, which is now so much talked about, is a myth. Of course, it is very important for each of us to maintain a certain measure of spiritual and intellectual autonomy, but one should not assume that this is guaranteed by detachment in relations with a partner.
Yet many of us fear that “we” will swallow up “I”…
J.-J. L.: A couple will not be able to say “we” about themselves without realizing at the very beginning of the relationship that partners are always dependent on each other. For the formation of a pair, at least a minimal degree of fusion is necessary, and this will inevitably force each of the two to think about the boundaries of their “I”. In a relationship, each of us is forced to give a partner a piece of himself, taking which, in turn, he offers us a piece of his own soul in return. This happens even in couples with experience and most of all resembles the mutual “appropriation” of each other, thanks to which, in fact, the concept of “we” is formed. At an early stage of a relationship, we embellish a partner and dissolve in him the more completely, the more we tend to idealize him. However, over time, this passes, and gradually we begin to realize that we are not quite the person who appeared to us in our dreams. Then comes what I call the “happy crisis”: this fruitful period allows each of the partners to become more clearly aware of their own desires, while simultaneously understanding the desires of a partner. Alas, many couples seek to avoid possible disappointments and prolong the initial illusion of unity and happiness, slowly taking a critical look at the situation. However, it is necessary to go through this painful stage and say goodbye to illusions – only in this way can we establish a certain distance in our relations, thanks to which, in the future life of the couple, periods of idealization and merging will alternate with moments of individualism and freedom.
You say that a certain degree of merging is necessary. But why is it necessary to dissolve in a partner?
THE ABILITY TO DISSOLVE IN THE OTHER IS A CONDITION OF SEXUAL ENJOYMENT.
J.-J. L.: This is a necessary condition for a happy sex life! The merging of lovers is a repetition of archaic models, a recollection of that primitive joy that a person tastes first at the stage of the fetus, and then in infancy, when he still does not separate himself from the other and lives in a world devoid of barriers and boundaries. In adulthood, the ability to completely dissolve in a partner determines our ability to experience true pleasure from sex, to know the joy of deep harmony with the universe, which Freud called “oceanic feeling.” It is the inability to experience this sensation that explains the faded sex life of some people.
Why is the merger period not possible for everyone?
J.-J. L.: Usually this is due to emotional trauma suffered in childhood – for example, with a lack of parental love. A person who, for one reason or another, has not developed a sense of inner security, cannot accept the fact that someone else will be able to influence him. Therefore, he will perceive the love of a partner as an encroachment on his inner world. The context of modern culture, which interprets any possessive relationship as an unhealthy relic of the past, only reinforces this fear, which leads to the rapid devaluation of relationships.
Isn’t this the desire of many couples to live separately?
J.-J. L.: Certainly. Choosing a relationship where partners live more or less apart from each other is one way to protect yourself from excessive intimacy. Moreover, even when choosing a partner, we often think that sooner or later we will have to part with him. Modern society seems to be whispering to each of us that long-term strong relationships are impossible today, that this does not happen in principle. We think about parting with reluctance, we often doubt, but nevertheless we perceive it as something inevitable – as if it were the will of fate, which we cannot influence.
TO CREATE OUR COUPLE, WE NEED TO FEEL MERGING WITH EACH OTHER.
And what happens to couples who can’t get past the merging period?
J.-J. L.: They will be entirely dependent on each other, and this deprives a person of the opportunity to dispose of himself at his own will. Not everyone is able to withstand such bondage for a long time, and in the end there will still be a need to reconsider the relationship. But a person who does not want to part with his illusion of merger will rather start looking for a new partner than change his tactics – and as a result will demand from the new lover everything that his predecessor lacked. Of course, this is not the best way to affect their relationship. The desire for complete merger, as well as the constant emphasis on its independence, as a result, leads to stagnation. And a reasonable balance between periods of merging with a partner and periods of isolation from him provides the relationship with proper dynamism, thereby guaranteeing the continuity of the process of creating a new one and destroying the old one.
“In love, I feel free when…”
Polina, 42 years old,married 12 years”Always! Relationships as a couple have never been a fetter for me. Only through love, love for my husband, I really understood what it means to be happy when, while remaining yourself, you feel free.
Victor, 30 years old, lives with a friend for three years”When she agrees that I’m not going to dinner with her parents on any holidays. In these moments I feel such relief! I feel free like never before… even if I don’t do anything special that day. Freedom for me is knowing that I was able to avoid it!”
Anna, 33 years old married for four years” When I can talk about everything with him, especially about what worries me, or about my failures. In these moments, I feel free, because I know that he will not judge me, but will simply listen and always find words to comfort me. If I had to keep all these gloomy thoughts in myself, it seems to me that I would simply “suffocate” in my family life.