Relationships with the body often predetermine how we communicate with the world: we build social ties, find partners. Our heroines tell how they perceived themselves differently throughout their lives, and the expert comments on their stories.
Katia: At the age of 17, there were a huge number of women around me, whose figures seemed perfect. It was the beginning of the 90s, when the glamor was in full bloom, and the flawless-faced covers, like the 60/90/XNUMX cult, literally screamed at me that I didn’t fit the bill.
It seemed to me that I had very small breasts, and I was tormented by monstrous anxiety that there were no necessary forms. And it is necessary! I acted on the principle – if something bothers you, it’s better to tell about it. And once in the gym, the instructor, with whom I had a trusting relationship, complained that we could not correct my defect with training.
He looked at me and said: “I think you are very smart.” It made me laugh and captivated at the same time. And it was the first step to making sure that my figure is not so bad.
Olga: After all, we are very much dependent on the assessments of the environment: who and what told us. When I was seven years old, a friend, a coach of a volleyball team, a handsome man and womanizer, came to visit my parents. He looked at me and said: “You have such beautiful almond-shaped eyes – the men will go crazy.” I remember it. And then my teenage nightmare began – my breasts began to grow rapidly.
Firstly, I could not run – it was painful and uncomfortable.
Secondly, she was faced with the fact that men look at her when talking. I was terribly shy and wanted them to look at those very “almond-shaped eyes”. She wore huge sweaters, trying to mask her hated breasts. I never thought it was a virtue. Plus, I was full. I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t try to lose weight. Now, when I am almost forty, I take it easier, but still I put myself on diets from time to time.
From childhood, the closest people, my parents, put pressure on me, making it clear that my figure was not perfect. “Don’t eat too much, then you yourself will worry that you are fat,” my mother remarked. Dad for the same reason forced to download the press. My petite beautiful mother had a size 35 foot, and her small foot became literally a cult with us. When I outgrew it, I was so worried that I walked in shoes a size smaller for a long time.
We always want to meet someone’s expectations. Now I look at my photos in my youth and understand – what a beauty I was! But then I didn’t feel that way.
Katia: Random people and comments sometimes break the perception of yourself and your body. And in this sense, women are more vulnerable. There is a familiar statement: a man can be a little prettier than a monkey, and this is normal. And the woman will be disassembled into square millimeters. Unfair, but, let’s be honest, and now the situation has not changed much. Opinion leaders constantly say that looks are nothing. And at the same time they themselves strive for the ideal. We still see photoshopped faces on the covers, and tuned beauties on Instagram.
In the end, I came to the conclusion that, no matter how hard it was, you should try not to compare yourself with someone else. Not responding to the comments of others advising you to lose weight or gain weight is really very difficult. But inner autonomy will help in other life circumstances where we also need confidence.
Now, when I am 35, I finally accepted myself and even love everything that previously seemed imperfect.
Olga: We know the story of Lily Brik, Mayakovsky’s lover, from whom everyone went crazy, but, looking at her with an impartial look, we understand that she was far from ideal parameters. And there are a lot of such stories about the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think we need to rely on ourselves and on those who love us, and not those who compare. Self-confidence is fueled, among other things, by the people to whom we are dear.
“If we do not love ourselves, then we suspect others of this”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
There is nothing closer than the body, it is the holy of holies and our last stronghold. And if we do not fully accept ourselves in such a sensitive aspect, then it is as if we are betraying ourselves and there is nowhere else to wait for help.
In her story, Katya mentions the beauty standards that kept her captive. Mankind always creates myths, and gloss is one of them. Not so long ago, a 90-60-90 woman would have evoked sympathy as an ugly underfeeder. It’s not like marrying someone like that, it’s scary to look at her. Because the myth of “real” beauty was based on strength, health and fatness.
But we live in an era of gloss and are forced to somehow interact with this myth. We can mindlessly follow and suffer from the impossibility of conforming (because it is a myth), we can borrow something without giving up our individuality. And we can create and appropriate alternative myths and opinions. It’s great that the heroine chose to rely on the opinion of a benevolent person, and not on the imposed criteria of beauty, and was able to build her identity.
It is important to understand that social networks and advertising are business, not reality. In real life, women are happy regardless of wrinkles and cellulite.
Our self-acceptance is read by people at the level of mirror neurons. Speaking with a relaxed, smiling person, we become infected with his emotions, and he seems attractive to us. If inside him there is a constant tension – “I’m somehow not like that,” then this will definitely be passed on to others. In addition, it will acquire erroneous interpretations: “he is hostile”, “he is hiding something”. So you can build muscle, but it’s important to start with “pumping up” the ability to accept yourself.
Olga’s story shows how dependent we are in childhood on the opinions of loved ones – we simply have no other source of knowledge about ourselves, about the world and relationships with it. Sometimes awkward parenting decisions have a hard time responding to children in the future. And the mother could be more sensitive to the fullness of her daughter, for example, cook more vegetables and light meals. Dad may have expected a second petite beauty to match his wife and could not love his daughter without trying to change her.
Sometimes – this is suggested by the mention of the “cult of the mother’s foot” – the unconscious competition of the mother with the growing daughter is turned on. This is expressed in a slight depreciation or simply a lack of praise and support. It’s sad that dad didn’t say about beautiful eyes and you couldn’t talk to mom about growing breasts, but parents, as a rule, do the best they can.
It’s great that the heroine found strength and support in herself. Autonomy is when we outgrow dependence on someone else’s and, above all, parental opinion.