From guilt to responsibility — advice to parents

When your little miracle goes to school, you will hear this word — responsibility — at almost every parent meeting and you will certainly be imbued with all the importance of it, if only because you will quickly understand: having an irresponsible student in the family is a complete “guard!”.

Now, when he is still a preschooler and when he has two useful «self» — self-observation and self-control — it’s time to start building a sense of responsibility in him. You say you’ve already started. The kid himself puts the toys back in place, does not climb through dirty puddles, and when he is going to sleep, he puts his clothes on the high chair. Perfectly. But this is not responsibility, this is accuracy.

You will say that he does not yell in public transport, obeys when you say “no”, knows how to listen to your advice and does not throw tantrums at the toy counter. But this is not yet responsibility, this is obedience.

You will say that the kid diligently and diligently draws and sculpts, and his still life at the exhibition took first place. The little girl no less diligently makes a “pa” and is worried before the concert. But this is not a responsibility either. This is creative freedom.

We often confuse responsibility with obedience, accuracy, and the success of our child in the public arena. But responsibility is something else.

Childhood responsibility begins with our unconditional love. By taking care of the baby and doing it exactly as he needs (without busts and shortfalls), we show the young personality its originality, uniqueness, self-worth. Only a person who has experienced this will then be able to truly take care of other people. To recognize the value of other people and life in general, a person must first feel the value of himself.

From here begins care, mercy, a sense of duty, the desire and ability to cooperate, taking on obligations and fulfilling them.

Yes, it all starts small. And not to pluck a bouquet from my mother’s vase, and quiet games when grandfather lay down to rest, and toys put away in a box, of course, all this is important. But … but the main thing is the motives that make the child do this. Imagine: your child, comfortably sitting on the seat of the bus, swings his legs. “Don’t dangle your legs, it’s ugly” or “Don’t dangle your legs, you can dirty the passengers,” what do you say? You can tell the child: «Don’t break the branch, you’ll get scratched,» or you can say: «Don’t break the branch, it’s alive.» Feel the difference? From this short remark, the priorities of the parent are visible: to provide momentary convenience, correctness, safety, or to give the baby a holistic view of wildlife.

What needs to be done for a young person to become a responsible person?

Here’s how to cultivate responsibility:

1. The child should feel like an equal member of the family. He must know that those around him need him. At first, this manifests itself in the fact that he is not removed from adult activities. “Help me set the table for tea”, “What do you think, which plates are better to put?”, “We will wash these shoes together …” There is always a feasible task for the baby.
2. No need to rush, let the child complete the responsible task at a pace convenient for him. And if he doesn’t get it right, your task is to convince him that he is growing, learning, every day he is gaining both experience and skills. (But first of all, remember this yourself!)
3. Instead of making comments and scolding for poorly done work (or for an incorrect act), make it so that the child learns from his own experience what results irresponsibility leads to. I didn’t buy bread — let everyone dine without bread; I didn’t put my boots by the battery — they were wet and we won’t go for a walk.
4. But give him the jobso that he understands: if he does not fulfill, he will let himself and others down. It is not necessary, pitying the child, to take all the responsibility upon yourself.
5. At first, children easily forget what they have been assigned. Come up with some reminder signals. For example, an alarm clock or a picture (in the subject) on the door, hinting that you need to feed the fish in the aquarium.
6. Parents are often unaware that children are capable of more. If you never consult with a child and over and over again entrust him with too simple and monotonous tasks, he may (and will consider) that he is not trusted, he is too small …
7. When a child fails to do a job or behaves irresponsibly, try to understand it and show how to do it. Show that you are also interested in that everything works out for him as it should, that you understand him, believe in his strength.
8. Try to make your child care for others (and care for himself too) associated with positive emotions.

We often criticize for mistakes, but we quickly get used to what a person does well and consider it to be the norm. The drawing that the kid brought from kindergarten to you as a gift can be beautifully decorated and hung on the wall, while having evening tea you can note how carefully he treated his little sister today, how carefully he rocked her in a stroller. The so-called feedback is very important for the baby!

It is difficult to develop responsibility in a child if:

— If you constantly demand more than what the child is capable of doing, this literally kills the sense of responsibility in the bud. So, the baby is not yet able to do the same thing for a long time. You can diversify the work that you entrust him with, or, having thanked him, let him play. You can instruct to clean up your corner (or your room), but keep in mind that «order» in the concept of an adult is one thing, and for children it is completely different. A bunch of toys outside the door and a more or less clean middle of the room is also in order. So do not judge from your bell tower.

If you don’t check, you don’t control. He cannot control himself yet.

— If you forget to encourage (thank, reward, celebrate, praise).

— If you never consult a child. Do not think that “he will advise this!”.

Initially, children want to be good and take great pride when they are trusted and asked for their opinion.

Let’s remember that even if parents do not think about their priorities, they unconsciously pass them on to their children through their words and actions. Like everything real, real responsibility is not implanted from the outside, with the help of threats and rewards, it is carefully cultivated, it comes from within, from the heart of a small person. And reinforced by our daily example.