All children fall in love, but they all experience and express their feelings in different ways. In order to better understand our children, it is important to have an idea of what stage of mental and sexual development they are currently in.
The article was created specifically for the joint project PSYCHOLOGIES and the UNESCO Office in Moscow “Territory of TEENS: a guide for parents of adolescents.”
Children’s love
With the onset of puberty (ages 9–11), younger adolescents enter the Platonic stage of sexual development (childish infatuation). They have to learn how to get acquainted, draw attention to themselves and communicate with the object of their love. The fact that the child has reached this stage can be judged by the following signs:
- the emergence of interest in their appearance, cosmetics and jewelry. Perhaps the desire to distinguish oneself from among peers, and the ways of attracting attention to oneself can be extravagant;
- requests to buy new (no longer children’s) clothes or shoes;
- long conversations on the phone, often meaningless;
- signs of attention to the object of love (including pulling the braid or hitting the head with a textbook);
- children can walk holding hands and look at each other with affection.
The most important thing in children’s love is the desire for close “spiritual” communication. At this stage of development, adolescents learn to show their sympathies, communicate in private, discuss various topics, courtship and show their love. For the first time, they decide to write a note, to confess their feelings … By the end of this stage, same-sex companies break up, there is a steady interest in joint parties and communication in couples.
The attitude of adults to children’s love should be sensitive, careful, understanding, without any irony. After all, the experiences of adolescents are sharp and brightly colored, they painfully gain their first experience of sex-role relationships. Platonic attraction does not yet have a proper sexual side. It is children’s love that largely forms the emotional and sensual component of love in future relationships. Unfortunately, traditionally, both in the family and at school, manifestations of children’s love are not taken seriously, or even suppressed. According to the observations of psychologist Irena Magnutova, many mothers react painfully to the dynamics of the increase in the sexuality of their daughters: “This is not the time to think about stupid things. The main thing is study.”* Or, worse, they condemn the daughter’s chosen one, note his shortcomings, and speak of him contemptuously. At this moment, the fear of losing a child speaks in them, because the first love is the first step towards separating the child from the parental home.
At this point, academic performance may decrease, but the point here is not in love itself, but in physiological changes. With the onset of puberty, the activity of the subcortical structures of the brain, in particular the hypothalamus, increases. This is what provides the pubertal growth spurt. And the activity of the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for intelligence, is temporarily reduced.
Parents’ prohibitions on communication with the object of love can cause protest reactions in a teenager, thoughts about leaving home, and even suicidal attempts. The more opportunities for falling in love in the early stages of the formation of sexuality, the easier it will be to find a life partner in the future. On the contrary, single and unrequited love from adolescence can make it difficult to “switch” to another person and limit the possibilities of starting a family in adulthood.
The most important thing in children’s love is the desire for communication. Being in love causes a desire to be better, it is an important incentive for self-improvement… The child will have to understand that without tenderness, suffering and worries, caring for each other, there can be no full-fledged love. This understanding will save a teenager from early (and dangerous) sexual activity.
Elena Meshkova – Candidate of Medical Sciences, pediatrician of the highest category, Honored Doctor of Ukraine, Deputy General Director of the National Children’s Specialized Hospital “OKHMATDET” (Kyiv, Ukraine)
Alexander Kulikov — Doctor of Medical Sciences, Professor of the Department of Pediatrics and Pediatric Cardiology, Northwestern Medical University named after I. I. Mechnikov, Head of the Educational, Methodological and Scientific Center for the Development of Youth-Friendly Clinics (supported by UNICEF) (St. Petersburg, Russia).